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LEGAL DISCLAIMER (BECAUSE FREE SPEECH ISN’T A LIFE JACKET):
This is a satirical rant in the voice of George Carlin. The commentary herein is not endorsed by Tesla, the Carlin estate, or anyone who still believes Elon Musk is Iron Man without the charisma. May contain truths, foul language, and full-frontal logic. If you’re offended, call your congressman. If you’re laughing, pour another cup and keep reading.
TESLA’S SINKING SHIP, AND THE ORANGE ICEBERG IT RODE IN ON
Let’s start with the...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Stacked Between the Banned Books and the Constitution):
This is a satirical tribute written in the voice of the late, volcanic George Carlin. It represents no institution, no librarian’s union, and certainly not the Trump White House. It does represent the belief that librarians are the quietest badasses in America—and that trying to seize a library with executive thugs is like bringing a match to a flood.
TRUMP TRIES TO TAKE THE LIBRARY—GETS SHUSHED INTO HUMILIATION
Let me...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Now With Complimentary In-Flight Vomit Bags):
This satirical rant is brought to you in the spirit of George Carlin—patron saint of bullshit detection and prophet of grift exposure. This does not represent the Carlin estate, the U.S. government, or Qatar Airways. But it does represent the quiet, seething rage of every taxpayer who’s ever waited in line at the DMV while billionaires trade planes like Pokémon cards.
A 747 FOR TRUMP. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS.
So get this:...
TRUMPTY DUMPTY: ROUND TWO
Trumpty Dumpty sat on his throne,
Tweeting from toilets he claimed were his own.
All the red hats and all the fake men,
Couldn’t make Donnie feel smart again.
He shouted and pouted and stomped like a brute,
While wearing three girdles and one ill-fit suit.
He promised a wall, he blamed the unknown,
Then hid in a bunker and called it his home.
Trumpty Dumpty broke all the norms,
With lawyers and cronies and golden Trump forms.
He banned some words, he banned some books,...
Legal Disclaimer
This is a George Carlin-style rant—fictional, satirical, profane, and absolutely not written by George (but if he’s haunting the internet, he probably cosigned it). It's not polite. It's not balanced. It’s not here to comfort the comfortable. It’s here to roast fascists and gut hypocrisy with a rusty spork.
“Trump’s Gender War: Closet Authoritarianism in Drag”
As performed by the ghost of George Carlin, back to clean house with a flamethrower
You know what's weird?
The people...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”
THE CHURCH, CONFESSIONS, AND CHILD...
The Promise Keeper
Chapter Eight: A Good Man
This chapter contains sensitive material related to childhood sexual abuse, trauma, self-harm, and PTSD responses, including dissociation and flashbacks. While these elements are fictional, they are portrayed with emotional realism and may be triggering for some readers.
Please proceed with care. Your well-being comes first.
If you need to skip this chapter, a summary of key non-traumatic plot points can be provided separately.
Chapter Eight:...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Bite):
This rant is performed in the rhetorical spirit of George Carlin. It doesn’t represent the Carlin estate, the U.S. Copyright Office, or the billionaire techbros rewriting copyright law in the back of a Tesla. Contains strong language, sharper logic, and zero respect for hypocrisy. If you’ve licensed your soul to OpenAI, Elon, or Donald, this might sting a little.
COPYRIGHT? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' COPYRIGHT.
So let me get this straight.
The Trump...
NEW & IMPROVED LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
This satirical rant is written in the irreverent spirit of George Carlin, who made a career out of eviscerating bullshit with precision-guided profanity. The views expressed here do not represent the Carlin estate, any official government, Elon Musk, or anyone who still thinks "Western values" means sunscreen and Netflix. Viewer discretion advised. Offended readers may exit stage right, humming "Ave Maria" through a gas mask.
ASYLUM FOR WHITES, NOT BROWNS—...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
This is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any trade authority, or anyone still pretending tariffs are sexy. Strong language, stronger opinions, and zero patience for economic chest-thumping. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”
TRUMP’S BIG TRADE “WIN”: HE PISSED IN THE POOL, THEN BRAGGED ABOUT...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (aka “In George We Trust, but the Lawyers Need Cover”):
The following is a satirical commentary inspired by the style and spirit of the late, great George Carlin. It does not represent the views of any particular individual, deity, or dusty legislative body clutching a King James Bible like it’s a security blanket. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and unholy amounts of sarcasm. Not suitable for theocracies, authoritarians, or viewers still wearing WWJD bracelets...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and absolutely no tolerance for hypocrisy. Reader discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”
JUDGE JEANINE. U.S. ATTORNEY. WHAT THE F*** ARE...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
This is a satirical commentary in the spirit of George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, the Catholic Church, or anyone who gets twitchy when the robes get roasted. Strong language, stronger opinions, and no incense. Amen.
MEET POPE LEO XIV: THE FIRST AMERICAN POPE
(And George has some f**ing questions*)
So the Catholic Church finally picked an American.
Took ’em 2,000 years and 266 tries, but hey,...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because You Can’t Say “Fuck” Without a Footnote):
This is a satirical piece written in the style and spirit of the late George Carlin. It is not affiliated with or endorsed by the Carlin estate, the U.S. military, or any government agency currently trying to outlaw decency. Strong language, strong opinions, and zero tolerance for bigotry ahead. Reader discretion is advised. Offenders will be mocked.
VICTORY DAY, TRANS HISTORY, AND THE MILITARY’S SELECTIVE MEMORY
With your...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”
THE FLUORIDE FREAKOUT: RINSING YOUR BRAIN...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”
WHEN THE NUKES COME OUT, TRUMP TUNES OUT
...
LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):
The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government (which—let’s face it—barely knows what it’s doing half the time anyway). Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their...
“Dear Harvard, We’re Dumb, Vindictive, and Can’t Spell.”
—A love letter from Linda McMahon and the Thought Police.
So, Linda McMahon—yes, that Linda, the one who made a fortune on scripted violence and spandex wedgies—is now moonlighting as the Secretary of Education. She sends Harvard a letter so full of legal overreach and basic grammatical carnage that it should’ve been delivered with a red Sharpie and an apology to Strunk & White.
And what’s the reason for this bureaucratic temper...
Welcome to the Land of Leave-If-You-Can
Remember when America used to stand for freedom? Yeah, that’s cute.
Now we’ve got outbound checkpoints. Outbound. Not checking who’s coming in—no, that would make sense. This is about who’s leaving. Because nothing says “democracy in action” like shaking down citizens for daring to cross a line in the dirt.
And let’s be crystal clear: that’s not a border crossing anymore. That’s a velvet-rope prison.
You see, in free nations, borders are doors. In paranoid...
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