Disclaimer

This is satire. I’m not a lawyer, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. If you’re a government official who thinks protesters are “racketeers,” consult a real attorney — and maybe a mirror.

So now the playbook is: you show up, shout “Free Palestine,” and the president asks—no, orders—his attorney general to see if you can be charged under RICO. RICO. Racketeering. The law they used on the Mafia, on real organized crime—now being auditioned for the role of “shut up the waiter’s tip” statute.

Let’s parse the ego for a second: you go to a restaurant with your cabinet, eat your steak, and someone yells something you don’t like. Your first thought is not “maybe I should grow a thicker skin” or “maybe politics attracts protest.” No. Your first thought is: How can I jail them? How can I make a complicated federal statute do my emotional labor?

“Paid agitators.” Classic. The old, tired trope: if someone tells you something uncomfortable, they must be paid. Nevermind that they might actually believe in something. If sincerity offends the president, well — pay them, indict them, deport truth, rinse, repeat.

And RICO? That’s not a protest law. It requires proof of an enterprise, pattern of racketeering acts, predicate offenses. You can’t just slap it on street shrieking like a Post-it note. But of course, where law fails, performative threat stomps in. Because the point here isn’t a legal case — it’s intimidation. It’s “look what I can do.” It’s the substitute for debate when you don’t have an answer: criminalize the messenger.

This is authoritarian cosplay with a presidential seal. You whine about being shouted at — and the next thing you know they’re talking about “criminal RICO” like it’s a PowerPoint bullet point. “They should be put in jail,” he says. For chanting. For exercising the basic democratic right of saying “hey, I disagree.” If this sticks, the next step is “permit required for heckling,” then “citation for emotional disturbance,” then “felony for dissent.” You don’t have to be clever to see the ladder.

And the irony here? He brags about “doing a great job for peace in the Middle East” and then wants to jail people who ask him to live up to it. You want awards for diplomacy, but you can’t stomach a woman using her voice in a DC restaurant? That’s not peace; that’s fragile ego diplomacy.

Look: if you’re a president, you’re going to be booed. That’s the job description. If you can’t handle hearing “Free Palestine” or “not my president,” maybe public office isn’t for you. Or maybe you could try something radical: answer. Debate. Prove them wrong. Or better yet, feed the protesters — they might shut up if the steak’s good.

But here’s the real danger: weaponizing RICO against protesters signals you don’t want to win hearts and minds — you want to incarcerate them. That’s how democracies die, not with a bang but with a subpoena and a press release.

So next time you see someone shouting in a restaurant, don’t reflexively call for a racketeering charge. Maybe call your feelings a taxi and let democracy breathe.