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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Justice Department Edition, Now With Bonus Bigotry):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think cutting crime prevention means more funding for Punisher bumper stickers, buckle up.

So let me get this straight.

The same party that swears they’re “tough on crime” just yanked the plug on 373 federal crime-fighting grants—and not for the fun kind of crime, like insider trading or gold toilet tax fraud.

No, they...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Extra Voter Suppression):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're allergic to the Constitution, allergic to voters, or just a power-mad orangutan with a Sharpie, buckle the fuck up.

George Says: “YOU DON’T PROTECT DEMOCRACY BY HOLDING IT HOSTAGE.”

So now we’ve got the FOTUS pulling another page out of the Dictator Coloring Book, this time with an executive order aimed at vote-by-mail, because...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with 100% More Irony and 0% International Students):

This is a fictional stage rant delivered in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're the type who believes that banning international students from Harvard is a patriotic act, you might want to reconsider your understanding of freedom and education.

So let me get this straight. We’ve gone from banning books to banning students?

First it was TRIO. Then it was GEAR UP. Then it was...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Billionaire Edition, Now with Government Clearance):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think ketamine is a leadership strategy and mushrooms are a fiscal policy tool, take a seat, Elon.

So let me get this straight.

We handed over a chunk of the federal government to Elon Fucking Musk—a man whose to-do list includes blowing up Twitter, buying his way into space, and now blitzing democracy while high as a...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with 90% Less Education and 100% More White Guilt Denial!):

This is a fictional stage rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're one of those people who hears “tribal college” and thinks “waste of taxpayer money,” I suggest you go take a remedial history class—and maybe learn how to read a treaty while you're at it.

[Stage lights up. George is already pissed, already pacing.]
So NOW they’ve decided we don’t need tribal...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Straight from the Quarterdeck of Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're the kind of person who confuses equality with weakness and thinks Pride Month is an attack on your masculinity, you might want to sit this one out and go iron your flag.

Spotlight hits. George walks on stage, tired of this bullshit but grinning like he knows what’s coming.

So now we’ve got the Secretary of War-by-Facebook, Pete...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER:

This is a fictional stage-style rant written in the voice of the late comedian George Carlin, intended for satirical and political commentary. It does not reflect the actual views or words of George Carlin, and is not affiliated with his estate or likeness. The views expressed are fictional, exaggerated for comedic and rhetorical effect, and not meant as literal claims.

[George on stage. One eyebrow cocked. Arms crossed. Leaning into the mic like it owes him money.]

So...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH AGE RESTRICTIONS):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re a Supreme Court justice who thinks robes make you immortal—or a 91-year-old senator who just drooled on your voting record—this one’s for you.

George Says: “THE TERM ACT? ABOUT FUCKING TIME.”

That’s right. Somebody finally took a look at the Supreme Court and said, “Hey, maybe it’s a bad idea to give people a lifetime of unchecked power...

[Cue spotlight. The mic’s hot. George storms the stage, furious and unfiltered.]

So let me get this straight—

Jonathan Joss is dead.

Shot.

Murdered.

Point blank.

And the San Antonio Police Department, in their infinite wisdom, would like us all to just slow down, take a deep breath, and not jump to conclusions.

Because apparently—and stay with me here—arson, death threats, and being two queer Indigenous men in Texas isn’t enough to consider something a hate crime.

Nope. We need more! Maybe the...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "academic freedom" is a brand of granola, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “FROG EMBRYOS? THAT'S THE THREAT NOW? WHAT'S NEXT—TADPOLE TERRORISTS?”

Let’s talk about Kseniia Petrova—a Harvard scientist, cancer researcher, and, according to ICE, Public Enemy Number One because she forgot to check...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Reality May Be Subject to Substitution):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant venom and volume. If you think everyone is a clone except yourself, this one’s for you.

George On Stage, Lit Up and Loaded:

So the FOTUS is now pushing the theory that Joe Biden is a clone.

Not a metaphorical clone, not a "he’s so boring, he's like a copy of a copy" joke—a literal...

DONALD AT THE PODIUM

(or, “Casey at the Bat” with brain worms and indictments)

As told by the late George Carlin, furious, fed up, and flat-out done with the stupid.

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the MAGA team that day;

The polls were down, the donors dry, the walls began to sway.

And when Trump Jr. pled the Fifth, and Rudy guzzled gin,

A hush fell hard upon the crowd—was this the final spin?

A few got up to storm the stage, a few began to boo,

But still remained a loyal bunch with Fox...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Teflon Hypocrisy Detected):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant energy. If you’re allergic to accountability and think burner accounts are brave, buckle up.

George Takes the Mic:

So Nancy Mace, Congress’s self-proclaimed tech wizard and moral watchdog, is out here running fake social media accounts like she’s auditioning for Catfish: C-SPAN Edition.

This woman...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Truth Now Available in 1,000 Pages or Less):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered in full stage-rant glory. If you're allergic to admitting you're wrong, get ready to itch.

George on stage, pacing, furious, but still grinning like the bastard knows the punchline:

So let me get this straight.

Utah Republicans passed a ban on gender-affirming care for minors—because they were so, so concerned about the...

Pride Month matters. But it’s not enough.

We need it—don’t get me wrong. We need the parades, the flags, the joy, the remembrance, the visibility. Especially now, when hate is clawing its way back into public policy and polite society, wearing new masks but preaching the same old bigotry. Pride Month is necessary.

But it’s also insufficient.

Because queer people don’t exist for a month. They don’t stop needing rights, safety, community, love, and dignity just because it’s July 1st and Target...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re the kind of person who thinks “the gay agenda” involves anything more dangerous than brunch and civil rights, buckle the hell up.

George Says: “THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO COME OUT—THEY WANT YOU TO DISAPPEAR.”

Let’s talk about it.

Let’s talk about this festering, paranoid, panty-twisting obsession the administration has with LGBTQ+...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Less Gravity, More Grift):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think space exploration should depend on loyalty oaths and ego bruises, you might already be orbiting Planet Bullshit.

George Says: “WHEN YOU’RE TOO QUALIFIED FOR TRUMP’S NASA, YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO LAUNCH YOURSELF INTO THE SUN.”

So here we go again—the FOTUS fired a guy for being good at his job.

Jared Isaacman.

Private astronaut....

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Totalitarian Settings Enabled):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’ve ever thought fascism would show up wearing jackboots, not khakis and a red tie, this is your fucking wake-up call.

George Says: “DUE PROCESS? MORE LIKE DON’T PROCESS—JUST DEPORT.”

So the FOTUS is back at it—breaking laws like they’re breadsticks at a campaign fundraiser.

Let me walk you through the trifecta of...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "academic freedom" is a brand of granola, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STARTS TELLING UNIVERSITIES WHAT TO THINK, WE'RE ALL ENROLLED IN THE SCHOOL OF AUTHORITARIANISM.”

So, Linda McMahon—yes, the same Linda who once ran a wrestling empire—is now the Secretary of...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Privacy Not Included):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a cop with a license plate reader and a God complex, buckle the fuck up.

George Says: “WELCOME TO TEXAS—WHERE YOUR WOMB HAS A GPS TRACKER AND YOUR RIGHTS HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.”

So now the cops in Texas have decided that your uterus is a crime scene and your license plate is probable cause.

You hear about this shit?

They tracked...