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LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Fresh-Pressed for 2025):

This rant is a satirical blowtorch in the voice of the late, great George Carlin. It does not represent the Library of Congress, the Carlin estate, or anyone who’s ever used “DEI” as a slur. Contains profanity, sarcasm, and blindingly bright logic. Side effects may include clarity, anger, and spontaneous applause. Don’t drive while listening—your steering wheel might flip off the nearest politician.

THEY FIRED A LIBRARIAN. A FUCKING LIBRARIAN.

Let me...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical performance in the style of George Carlin. Names are real. The rage is theatrical. The laughter? That’s up to you. But if you’re still defending this shit by the end, you might be the punchline.

George Says: “ADAM SCHIFF’S GOT RECEIPTS—BUT AMERICA’S STILL SHOPPING AT THE GRIFTMART”

So Adam Schiff—yeah, that guy.

California Congressman.

Now Senator.

Looks like a high school principal who confiscates vape pens and then writes a 38-page memo about it.

BUT—

He...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a satirical performance in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It is fiction. It is fire. It is not safe for policy wonks or embassy procurement officers with fragile egos.

George Says: “YOU EMPLOY ME, YOU OWN ME? GET BENT.”

So now the United States is sending letters...

to foreign contractors...

in other countries...

telling them:

“Hey, we’re hiring you to fix our plumbing—but also, could you go ahead and abandon your entire country’s civil rights...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire. It is not meant to imply that Ryan Walters is, in fact, a salad sandwich, a Quayle clone, or functionally allergic to facts. However, it is meant to suggest that his educational policies are objectively dangerous, historically regressive, and politically manipulative. Consult your teacher, librarian, or any functioning adult for further clarification.

George Says: “There’s a War on Intelligence—and Oklahoma’s Winning It”

The Oklahoma Department of Education has...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because It’s Either This or Bail Money):

This is a satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, the State of Texas, or anyone with a functioning science education. May contain rage, profanity, and harsh truths. If your feelings are hurt, go hug a solar panel.

TEXAS PASSES A BILL DEMANDING THE SUN WORK OVERTIME

Let’s just say it, folks: Texas has officially declared war on reality.

They passed a bill—SB 1285—that...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It is a fictional performance and does not represent real statements by Carlin or any living person. If you are a former Congresswoman, current intelligence overlord, or newly-minted autocrat with hurt feelings… you’ll be fine.

George Says: “YOU KNOW WHAT SHE IS? SHE’S THE TRIFECTA.”

Stupid.

Full of shit.

And fucking nuts.

Let’s start with stupid.

You fire your top intelligence analysts…

for telling the...

Author’s Note:

The following is a work of fiction.

It is not a prediction. It is not a manifesto.

It is a story.

“Clean Hands, Dirty Deals” is set in a dystopian near-future America where pornography has been outlawed, sex work driven underground, and legal protections dismantled in the name of “moral restoration.” This is not reality—but it is a reflection of the real-world dangers when ideology is weaponized against bodily autonomy and freedom of expression.

Any resemblance to real events or...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Read in high-speed auctioneer voice):

This is a satirical editorial commentary and is not intended to represent factual claims about any individuals or entities, including but not limited to the Los Angeles Sparks, their ownership group, or associated businesses. Any resemblance to actual billionaires exploiting fandom for profit is purely coincidental (and depressingly common). Consult your lawyer before shouting "Cash Grab!" in a crowded arena.

George Says: “You Wanna Know...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (BECAUSE FREE SPEECH ISN’T A LIFE JACKET):

This is a satirical rant in the voice of George Carlin. The commentary herein is not endorsed by Tesla, the Carlin estate, or anyone who still believes Elon Musk is Iron Man without the charisma. May contain truths, foul language, and full-frontal logic. If you’re offended, call your congressman. If you’re laughing, pour another cup and keep reading.

TESLA’S SINKING SHIP, AND THE ORANGE ICEBERG IT RODE IN ON

Let’s start with the...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Stacked Between the Banned Books and the Constitution):

This is a satirical tribute written in the voice of the late, volcanic George Carlin. It represents no institution, no librarian’s union, and certainly not the Trump White House. It does represent the belief that librarians are the quietest badasses in America—and that trying to seize a library with executive thugs is like bringing a match to a flood.

TRUMP TRIES TO TAKE THE LIBRARY—GETS SHUSHED INTO HUMILIATION

Let me...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Now With Complimentary In-Flight Vomit Bags):

This satirical rant is brought to you in the spirit of George Carlin—patron saint of bullshit detection and prophet of grift exposure. This does not represent the Carlin estate, the U.S. government, or Qatar Airways. But it does represent the quiet, seething rage of every taxpayer who’s ever waited in line at the DMV while billionaires trade planes like Pokémon cards.

A 747 FOR TRUMP. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS.

So get this:...

TRUMPTY DUMPTY: ROUND TWO

Trumpty Dumpty sat on his throne,

Tweeting from toilets he claimed were his own.

All the red hats and all the fake men,

Couldn’t make Donnie feel smart again.

He shouted and pouted and stomped like a brute,

While wearing three girdles and one ill-fit suit.

He promised a wall, he blamed the unknown,

Then hid in a bunker and called it his home.

Trumpty Dumpty broke all the norms,

With lawyers and cronies and golden Trump forms.

He banned some words, he banned some books,...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a George Carlin-style rant—fictional, satirical, profane, and absolutely not written by George (but if he’s haunting the internet, he probably cosigned it). It's not polite. It's not balanced. It’s not here to comfort the comfortable. It’s here to roast fascists and gut hypocrisy with a rusty spork.

“Trump’s Gender War: Closet Authoritarianism in Drag”

As performed by the ghost of George Carlin, back to clean house with a flamethrower

You know what's weird?

The people...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and a complete lack of tolerance for hypocrisy. Viewer discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

THE CHURCH, CONFESSIONS, AND CHILD...

The Promise Keeper

Chapter Eight: A Good Man

This chapter contains sensitive material related to childhood sexual abuse, trauma, self-harm, and PTSD responses, including dissociation and flashbacks. While these elements are fictional, they are portrayed with emotional realism and may be triggering for some readers.

Please proceed with care. Your well-being comes first.

If you need to skip this chapter, a summary of key non-traumatic plot points can be provided separately.

Chapter Eight:...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Bite):

This rant is performed in the rhetorical spirit of George Carlin. It doesn’t represent the Carlin estate, the U.S. Copyright Office, or the billionaire techbros rewriting copyright law in the back of a Tesla. Contains strong language, sharper logic, and zero respect for hypocrisy. If you’ve licensed your soul to OpenAI, Elon, or Donald, this might sting a little.

COPYRIGHT? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' COPYRIGHT.

So let me get this straight.

The Trump...

NEW & IMPROVED LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This satirical rant is written in the irreverent spirit of George Carlin, who made a career out of eviscerating bullshit with precision-guided profanity. The views expressed here do not represent the Carlin estate, any official government, Elon Musk, or anyone who still thinks "Western values" means sunscreen and Netflix. Viewer discretion advised. Offended readers may exit stage right, humming "Ave Maria" through a gas mask.

ASYLUM FOR WHITES, NOT BROWNS—...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

This is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any trade authority, or anyone still pretending tariffs are sexy. Strong language, stronger opinions, and zero patience for economic chest-thumping. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

TRUMP’S BIG TRADE “WIN”: HE PISSED IN THE POOL, THEN BRAGGED ABOUT...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (aka “In George We Trust, but the Lawyers Need Cover”):

The following is a satirical commentary inspired by the style and spirit of the late, great George Carlin. It does not represent the views of any particular individual, deity, or dusty legislative body clutching a King James Bible like it’s a security blanket. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and unholy amounts of sarcasm. Not suitable for theocracies, authoritarians, or viewers still wearing WWJD bracelets...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because George Can’t Testify and Neither Can I):

The following is a satirical commentary written in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, any judicial entity, or the U.S. government. Contains strong language, stronger opinions, and absolutely no tolerance for hypocrisy. Reader discretion advised. Offended parties may file their grievances under “F” for “Forget it.”

JUDGE JEANINE. U.S. ATTORNEY. WHAT THE F*** ARE...