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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH EXTRA TIRED SPINES)

This is stand-up satire, not gardening advice. If you think leveling legacy and turning public spaces into private bragging rights is leadership, good luck with your evening tea party on asphalt.

So here’s what happened—

They ripped out Jackie Kennedy’s historic Rose Garden lawn, bulldozed it, and turned it into a flashy, flat concrete patio.

Why? Because high heels and wet grass apparently offend Trump more than rubbing out history does. And don’...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER—NOW WITH EXTRA JUDICIAL TEETH

This is stand-up satire in George Carlin’s snarling voice—truth bombs, profanity, and post‑9/11 New York attitude. If you can’t handle that, maybe don’t keep reading.

So MAGA sees Zohran Mamdani win because New Yorkers said “fuck your establishment bros.”

They lost their goddamn minds, calling it a “9/11 threat,” brandishing Mamdani’s Muslim identity like he’s about to light the skyline on fire.

Loomer, Kirk, Stefanik, Cruz—they’re preaching fear...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 100% More Deportation Whiplash)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think pulling over 19-year-old scholarship students and handing them to ICE is “law and order,” you might be suffering from a severe case of authoritarian bootlicking. Consult your conscience. Side effects may include rage, empathy, and the sudden urge to vote like people’s lives depend on it. Because they do.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS goes on...

Satirical Disclaimer:

The following message is brought to you by Common Fucking Sense—now available in limited supply, thanks to Congress being allergic to it.

THE IMPEACHMENT THAT WASN’T

So let me get this straight.

The guy bombs a country for ratings.

Brags about it like a middle-schooler who just “pwnd” a rival in Fortnite.

Then announces a ceasefire that doesn’t exist, gets mad when reality doesn’t follow his script, and… what’s Congress do?

They hit pause.

Oh sure, they didn't say they were...

Satire Advisory: The following contains high levels of sarcasm, righteous profanity, and anti-authoritarian sentiment. If you're allergic to truth bombs, judicial accountability, or common sense, consult your lobbyist before proceeding.

So let me get this straight.

You kick the guy out of the country illegally. You ignore federal judges like they're spam calls. You break the law so badly you had to charter a plane to fly the man back—and now you’ve got the shriveling nerve to claim that ...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 5,000 mAh of Bullshit Storage)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you find yourself defending a gold-plated knockoff phone with a fascist family plan, you may be entitled to a free lobotomy. Batteries not included. Ethics sold separately.

So let me get this straight.

You woke up this morning, wiped the crust out of your eyes, and said, “You know what I need? A phone built by the Trump family.”

A Trump phone.

You want the same...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH EXTRA TELEVISION THERAPY!)

This is a fictional rant in the snarling voice of George Carlin. If you think nuclear strikes should be directed by cable news ratings, this might get uncomfortable. Side effects may include disbelief, horror, and smelling the ashes of global credibility.

So let me get this straight.

Trump sits on the couch, remote in one hand, comfort drink in the other, watching Fox News go full-on war porn because Israel bombed some Iranian nuclear...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (VA Edition—Now With Extra Bullshit & Betrayal)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think denying veterans care because they're Democrats or single is righteous—meet your moral bankruptcy. And maybe grab a tissue for your spine.

So let me get this straight.

You fought the wars. You lost friends. You came home broken—and now you're supposed to hand over your political allegiance or prove you're hitched before you get a doctor?

Because...

Hi there, folks—it’s Kendra Cassidy, retired admiral, professional smartass, and full-time devourer of anything with magic, sass, or starships. And today? I get to introduce you to someone who checks all those boxes, with a few glittering surprises thrown in.

Let me tell you about Stefanie Santone—a woman who took a detour through hell and came out the other side with a pen in one hand, coffee in the other, and a cast of fierce goddesses in her wake. Raised on fantasy and whimsy (and some...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Parade Edition—Now With More Ego than Execution)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think rolling tanks through D.C. while millions march against you is a display of strength—not desperation—you might want to enroll in a course on optics.

So let me get this straight.

On Saturday, the Trump parade rolled out—tanks, missiles, jets—all arranged to look impressive until you realize nobody remembered a single step. Soldiers wobbled like they’d downed...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Grift Edition—Now With Added Bullshit Spikes)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think selling access, influence, and access‑adjacent perks to billionaires and meme‑coin bros is “leadership,” you’re already half‑baked in this circus.

Stage Lights Up—George Stepping Onstage…

So let me get this straight.

First we get the meme‑coin dinner—top 200 holders bought seats for $148 million, clubbed at a Trump golf course. They popped in, ate...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Dictator Aspirations Edition)

This is a fictional rant in the full George Carlin voice. If you thought democracy meant thinking for yourself, tough—because he wants you “obedient” like Kim’s people, and treats your autonomy like it’s a glitch in his rerun.

So let me get this straight.

He stood on the White House lawn, chest puffed out, eyes glinting, and told us he wants obedience—like in a totalitarian state. He said he wants people to sit up at attention, not because they...

(A parody in the style of Tom Lehrer)

(Spoken, over gentle piano tinkling)

Good evening.

As some of you may know, I’ve always been fascinated by our species’ uncanny ability to solve disputes with the kind of grace and subtlety typically reserved for bar fights and toddler tantrums.

And while in the past we used to declare war with things like formal declarations, silly hats, and bugle solos, today we’ve found a far more efficient system:

We simply drop things from the sky and call it foreign...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Optional Rights, Just $5,000 Extra!)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you believe job security should be a luxury and loyalty to Dear Leader should be your only résumé, you might already be qualified to run for Senate. No refunds, no appeals, and no unions allowed.

So let me get this straight.

You want to be a park ranger, or a postal worker, or a pencil-pusher at the Department of Agriculture?

Great. Fill out the forms, pass...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER – NOW WITH EXTRA WHIPLASH!

This post is satire and political commentary. It is not journalism, legal advice, or an official government document. While it includes factual references to public policies, statements, and events, it is written in the style of stand-up satire inspired by the late George Carlin: irreverent, explicit, and angry on purpose.

All analysis of motives, campaign donations, and legal implications is speculative commentary protected under free speech.

If...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER - FOR FLAG-LOVERS AND FASCIST WHISPERERS ALIKE

This is satire. This is political commentary. This is the rhetorical equivalent of a fire extinguisher in a burning clown car. While based on real-world events, it is delivered in the voice of the late George Carlin: sharp, profane, pissed off, and absolutely done with your dog whistles and doublespeak. If you're offended, you might just be the target.

Oh, look! Two shiny flagpoles, 88 feet tall! Because nothing screams...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Seven Words, One Legend Edition)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think the word “fuck” is obscene but what politicians are doing isn’t, you’re the kind of person who hears a fire alarm and calls it rude.

Let’s talk about fuck.

The big one. The nuclear word. The one that gets you fired from network TV, tossed from polite dinner tables, and launched into orbit by PTA moms who clutch pearls like they’re rosaries dipped in bleach.

I gave you seven...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Redacted History!)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think celebrating freedom for enslaved Americans is “divisive,” but storming the Capitol is “patriotic,” this rant may cause severe discomfort. Side effects include truth, sarcasm, and the overwhelming urge to read a damn book.

Let’s start with the basics, kids.

Juneteenth is the day—June 19, 1865—when the last enslaved Black Americans in Galveston, Texas were told...

DISCLAIMER – AKA: DON’T SUE THE BENDY MESSENGER

This is not medical advice. This is satire. If you’re using this to diagnose yourself, someone you love, or your dog—stop. Talk to a licensed medical professional. (Preferably one who doesn’t say “have you tried yoga?” while your shoulder is flapping like a broken cabinet door.)

This rant is for awareness, humor, and solidarity. It’s written with love (and mild rage) for those navigating the wacky wilderness of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

Now, that...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW WITH SELECTIVE EQUALITY!)

This is satire, sarcasm, and stage rage in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think civil rights should depend on your state’s vibe and your judge’s robe color, this one’s for you. Side effects may include clarity, rage, and a sudden urge to reread the 14th Amendment with a highlighter and a baseball bat.

So let me get this straight.

The Supreme Court—that polished pile of black robes and brittle logic—just ruled that it’s perfectly...