⚠️ Satirical Rant Disclaimer

 The following is a snark-heavy, satire-laced, logic-drenched rant in the spirit of George Carlin. If you're looking for nuance, you've wandered into the wrong nightclub. This is where we roast bigotry, torch legal loopholes, and serve justice with a flamethrower. And yes—every bit of this is protected by the First Amendment. If you’re offended, that’s a feature, not a bug.

I can't believe it's August 1st and the fuckery has already begun. Oh, wait. It's FOTUS' America; of course I can.

 So let me get this straight: there’s a group of knuckle-dragging backwoods bigots out in Arkansas who’ve figured out a brand new legal twist on an old favorite—segregation! And they’ve wrapped it in just enough LLC paperwork and constitutional cosplay to make it smell like freedom.

Spoiler: it still stinks like racism marinated in privilege.

They’re calling it a "private community," but let’s not kid ourselves. It’s not a commune. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s a gated fever dream for people whose favorite historical moment was “before the Civil Rights Act.” They’ve cooked up a cozy little scam where you don’t “buy” or “rent” a home—you buy a membership in their “ancestral heritage” club. Think of it like a country club, except the only sport they play is white supremacy and the dress code is Confederate Casual.

And the Arkansas Attorney General? That spineless ghost of jurisprudence? He looked at this flaming sack of hate mail and said, “Well, technically…”

Technically, my ass.

This is what happens when your moral compass gets outsourced to a tax attorney. “They’re not selling housing,” he whimpers, “they’re selling shares.” Oh! Well in that case, let’s all applaud their creativity—segregation with spreadsheets! Jim Crow 2.0: Now with Less Paperwork™.

Here’s the truth: it doesn’t matter if it’s a deed, a lease, or a blood oath written on a napkin—if you’re deciding who gets to live somewhere based on skin color or religion, that’s discrimination. Full stop. No footnotes. No Substack disclaimers. No “we’re just a club” excuses. You’re not a club. You’re a cult with Wi-Fi and delusions of legal immunity.

Don’t get cute about federal housing laws either. We’ve got statutes older than your inbred ideology that say you can’t pull this crap. But they’re banking on cowardice and confusion. The loophole isn’t legal—it’s moral. They're betting no one’s got the guts to drag them into court, peel back the curtain, and expose the “heritage test” for what it is: the rebranding of apartheid in the age of TikTok.

And let’s not gloss over the goal here. They’re not building one little Aryan Airbnb. They want to franchise this hate. “A whites-only community in every state!” Like it’s a goddamn Starbucks for bigots.

“Would you like soy milk in your supremacy?”

Here’s a hot tip for Return to the Land and anyone thinking about joining: if you need a DNA test to get in, you’ve already failed the humanity test. And if the best thing you can do with your freedom is build a white sandbox in the middle of Arkansas, maybe the real problem isn’t diversity. Maybe it’s you.

So go ahead—post your legal disclaimers. Wrap yourselves in the Constitution like a bedsheet at a Klan rally. Just know this: the rest of us see through the act. And we’re not gonna let you “return to the land.”

We’re gonna return you to court.

Mic drop. Flamethrower lit.