⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (THE SNARKY VERSION):
The following rant is brought to you by the spirit of every outraged electrician, AI engineer, and renewable energy worker in the country. It contains strong language, violent metaphors (not real ones, calm down), and a deep, molten-core rage at stupid economic policy. If you're easily offended, good. That means you're still paying attention.
So let me get this straight.
FOTUS looked at the smoldering wreckage of the American economy—held together with duct tape, caffeine, and overworked immigrants—and thought, “You know what this needs? A big, flaming stick of dumb shoved right up the supply chain. Let’s slap a 50% tariff on copper. That’ll fix everything!”
Fifty. Fucking. Percent.
Copper. As in, the metal that runs literally everything with a wire in it. The one you need for cars, computers, wind turbines, solar panels, power grids, EV chargers, industrial equipment, appliances, aircraft, fucking satellites— oh, and every single new home being built.
Copper is the bloodstream of the modern world. And this chuckle-dicked carnival barker thought the smart move was to cut off the circulation.
And why? Not to boost U.S. production—we don’t even have the goddamn capacity! We’ve got two smelters, one of which needs a Ouija board and a billion-dollar séance to restart. Domestic output can’t ramp up for years, but the price spike hits immediately. Like slapping a tourniquet on your leg while you're still bleeding from the throat.
And for what? A few mining execs and stockholders in MAGA hats? That’s who this helps. The billionaires who already hoarded the profits from their pandemic yachts and now want you to pay more for your wiring. Because screw it, they’re not the ones fixing the water heater or buying a heat pump or running a hospital.
This isn’t economic policy. It’s revenge cosplay. “Oh, they didn’t vote for me? Let’s crank up the cost of everything they need to build a life! That’ll show ’em!” Meanwhile, American manufacturers—actual employers—are out here running cost estimates like they're trying to win Wheel of Fuckery.
EV makers? Screwed. AI infrastructure? Screwed. Green energy? Extra hard. You like those wind turbines and battery plants? Well, enjoy paying double or not building them at all, because that shiny red TARIFF APPROVED stamp from the FOTUS-in-Chief just punched through the goddamn floor.
And what do the industries get in return? Nothing. Not a damn thing. No new production. No upgrades. No subsidies. Just higher costs, reduced competitiveness, and layoffs. Because copper costs are already up 15% since the announcement, and guess what? That’s before the retaliatory tariffs come flying in from Chile, Peru, Canada, and any other country we used to call an ally before this potato-headed chaos engine got back into office.
It’s not just boneheaded—it’s copper-headed, which is ironic because this is the only place you’ll find copper in America now: your rage, your wallet, and this goddamn rant.
You want to fix the supply chain? Invest in infrastructure. You want to grow domestic copper? Open some goddamn smelters. You want to hurt China? Do it with tech policy, not a thermonuclear grenade to your own foot.
But you don’t want any of that, do you, FOTUS? You want headlines. You want ego-feeding bullshit. You want to look strong while breaking every tool your own people need to rebuild this country.
And we’re the ones stuck soldering this shit back together.
End scene.
