👀 SNARKY DISCLAIMER

 This is satire. Free speech, baby. That thing you wrap in flags when you're scared of the truth. If you're mad, congratulations—you’ve noticed the symptoms. All targets in this rant are metaphorical, exaggerated, and, unfortunately, real. If you think this is mean, wait until you see the policy.

Alright folks, gather ‘round. Pull up a chair. FOTUS—Felon of the United States, Grifter-in-Chief, King of the Pretrial Calendar—has done it again. He’s signed a brand-new executive order, and this one’s a real gem. A bureaucratic slapstick routine aimed at “fixing” college sports.

Because yeah, clearly that’s where the crisis is.

Forget inflation, climate collapse, book bans, coup attempts, and half the country slipping into The Handmaid’s Tale. Nope. The real danger? A running back making fifty bucks for a car commercial in Toledo.

This EO is called “Saving College Sports.” Which is rich, coming from a guy who couldn’t save a marriage, a casino, or a coherent sentence. But now he’s here to “save” amateur athletics. From what? Success? Autonomy? Fair compensation?

Let’s break it down:

First, it bans “pay-for-play” deals. You know, those naughty, evil little arrangements where a college athlete gets paid for their talent—oh no, the horror! Can’t have that! What are we, a capitalist country?

No no. You see, FOTUS wants you to know it’s okay to sell jerseys with a kid’s name on it. Just as long as the kid gets paid in high-fives, cafeteria tokens, and the honor of maybe one day walking again after their sixth concussion.

Then there’s the Title IX glitter bomb—schools have to “maintain” or “expand” non-revenue sport scholarships if they’re rolling in booster money. Wow. Amazing. We’re mandating kindness now—as long as it doesn’t cost the donors anything. Like Oprah with a tax accountant. “You get a scholarship! You get a loophole! Everyone gets a fig leaf of plausible deniability!”

But here’s the kicker: it doesn’t do anything. It’s all vibes and vague threats. It tells a bunch of agencies to “look into it.” That’s it. No enforcement. No deadlines. Just the bureaucratic equivalent of farting into a filing cabinet.

And why now? Why this empty theater?

Because his old friend Jeffrey Skeleton-in-the-Epstein-Ridden-Closet is trending again. Courtrooms are heating up, client lists are leaking, and the walls are closing in. So what does the Felon do?

He runs onto the political field, flailing a clipboard and shouting, “LOOK! OVER HERE! I’M FIXING FOOTBALL!”

Yeah. Okay. That’s like trying to patch a sinking ship by changing the font on the menu in the dining hall.

Let’s be real. This EO is a PR stunt soaked in cologne and sprayed at the cultural war crowd. It doesn’t protect athletes. It doesn’t protect women. It doesn’t protect anything except the status quo and the egos of billionaires with stadium naming rights.

It’s not leadership—it’s distraction cosplay.

Because if you can’t stop the subpoenas, at least you can pretend to save sports.

 If you can’t fix the country, at least you can fumble the football and blame the woke mob.

🎤 THE REAL TAKEAWAY?

College athletes will keep getting shafted. Billionaire boosters will keep calling the shots. And FOTUS will keep signing empty orders, waving them like a golden ticket to the culture war Wonka factory.

Meanwhile, the rest of us?

 We’re stuck in the bleachers, watching the circus, hoping the next act isn’t civil war with a halftime show.

Now that’s college spirit.