⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER
This is satire. Pointed. Profane. Fully protected by what’s left of the First Amendment. If you think a $934 million airplane makeover is reasonable but a free Beyoncé appearance is treason, maybe you’re the punchline.
You ever notice how today’s GOP strategy is basically “say something completely fake, say it louder, then act offended when reality interrupts?”
It’s not a platform. It’s a concussion protocol wrapped in a fundraising email.
Let’s take a look at the greatest hits from the Delusion Jukebox, July edition:
✈️ THE BILLION-DOLLAR GIFT
Trump gets a “free” plane from Qatar—just a modest 747-8—and now it turns out we’re dropping nearly $934 million to upgrade it so he can play Commander-in-Chief Barbie.
And where’s that money coming from?
Not golf cart savings.
Not Mar-a-Lago buffet cuts.
Nope—straight from our nuclear missile modernization fund.
That’s right: America is now less prepared for nuclear war because Donnie needed cupholders that match his bronzer.
But hey, it’s okay. The plane is “symbolic.” Of what? Loot boxes?
🎤 BEYONCÉ-GATE (aka “Lemonade & Lies”)
Trump claimed Beyoncé was paid $11 million to endorse Kamala Harris.
Turns out: nope. Not even close. $165,000 to cover costs. No payment.
Also: that kind of payment wouldn’t even be illegal.
But MAGA world ate it up.
“Beyoncé’s a criminal!”
Sure. And I’m the Archbishop of Waffle House.
Why target her? Easy. She’s Black, powerful, beloved, and female—aka the four horcruxes of Republican panic.
🧓 EPSTEIN: THE SELECTIVE AMNESIA SAGA
Senator Markwayne “Facts Are Optional” Mullin told America Obama gave Epstein his sweetheart deal in 2009.
Reality check: That deal was signed in 2008.
Under Bush.
By Alex Acosta.
Who was later made Trump’s Secretary of Labor.
So unless Obama was time-traveling with Marty McFly and a plea agreement in his glovebox, this is complete historical diarrhea.
Even when Jake Tapper hand-fed him the facts with a spoon, Mullin just doubled down. Because that’s the move now—never admit you’re wrong, just smile and shovel harder.
💊 HEALTHCARE: “TRUST ME, I’M KILLING IT”
Vice President Vance says 10 million people won’t lose healthcare because of the Trump budget.
Cool story, bro.
Meanwhile, every insurance company in America says premiums are about to go thermonuclear because those Obamacare subsidies Republicans cut?
They were the only thing keeping the system from eating itself.
But Vance says “don’t worry.”
You know who else says that? Dentists about to drill without anesthesia.
🗳️ DEMOCRACY: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG
In Missouri, Republican lawmakers are nullifying voter decisions like they’re canceling DoorDash orders.
Legal weed?
Expanded Medicaid?
Fair redistricting?
Puppy mill bans?
All passed by voters. All gutted by GOP legislators who said, “We don’t like the flavor of democracy today.”
And now those same lawmakers want to make ballot initiatives harder so people can’t vote them out.
That’s not policy—that’s legislative hostage-taking.
And the hostage is your right to be heard.
🌊 THE MAGA CIVIL WAR BEGINS
In South Carolina, one of the Project 2025 architects is primarying Lindsey Graham.
That’s right.
Lindsey Graham is now too swampy for MAGA.
They’ve finally reached the self-eating tail part of the fascism ouroboros.
This is what happens when you build a movement on rage and vibes: Eventually, everyone’s the enemy. Even your own guy in seersucker.
🗣️ FINAL THOUGHT:
This isn’t a political party.
This is a fact-optional improv troupe armed with nukes and evangelical guilt.
They tell you Beyoncé is a felon.
They tell you the jet was free.
They tell you Epstein was an Obama op.
They tell you 10 million uninsured people should just “believe harder.”
Meanwhile, the budget explodes, premiums skyrocket, the plane takes off, and the truth dies gasping on the tarmac.
You want to save democracy?
Start by fact-checking the fictions your leaders are selling.
Because if these are the people driving the bus…check the brakes, and maybe… jump off.