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Disclaimer:

Warning: tonight’s rant contains explicit language, explicit fury, and a healthy dose of mockery for legislators who think “porn filters” are gonna save civilization. If you’re clutching pearls, hang on tight—they’re about to get yanked.

So here we are, folks. Michigan. Not Alabama. Not Mississippi. Not Florida. Michigan. The supposed swing-state middle of America where everyone pretends they’re too practical for culture wars. And what’s their legislature doing? Trying to outlaw...

Disclaimer: This is satire. But if it feels uncomfortably close to reality, that’s because reality’s been sniffing glue behind the gym again.

So here we go: FOTUS and his ventriloquist dummy Hegseth drag 800 generals into a room at Quantico. Not for strategy. Not for defense. Not for, oh, I don’t know, protecting the country. No, it’s for a goddamn loyalty seminar.

They stand up there like two mall cops on a power trip and basically say: “Listen up, you fat generals, shave your beards, stand...

Disclaimer: This isn’t “thoughts and prayers,” it’s George Carlin with a throat mic. If you want polite mourning, go sit in a pew. If you want the truth about why the bullets keep flying, strap in.

Over the weekend, America hosted its usual horror double-feature. Saturday night in North Carolina, Nigel Edge climbs on a boat, aims at a crowded bar, and opens fire. Three people dead, five wounded. Premeditated, targeted, deliberate. Not an “oopsie.” Not a fit of passion. This was planned...

DISCLAIMER

Tonight’s rant is brought to you by the fine people at “Holy Shit, This Is Corruption,” the network that never sleeps, never blinks, and never stops counting the ways your democracy is being pawned off like a busted lawnmower at a yard sale.

So here’s the scam: TikTok. Biggest youth platform on the planet. The one app where teenagers and twenty-somethings actually learn things their civics teachers can’t tell them because some dipshit school board banned the textbook. Dangerous...

Disclaimer: This ain’t economics, it’s George Carlin with a migraine. If you were hoping for balanced trade analysis, go call the World Bank. If you want a profanity-laced autopsy of a clown stapling tariffs to everything that moves, stay seated.

First up, pharmaceuticals. FOTUS decides: 100% tariffs on imported brand-name drugs, unless Big Pharma is already building a factory here. Not producing here—just shoveling dirt counts! “Break ground and you’re golden.” This isn’t policy, this is a ...

Disclaimer (snarky but legal): This is satire and opinionated theatrical ranting. If you’re thin-skinned, allergic to profanity, or wear a MAGA hat to bed, consider this your warning label. Nothing here is legal advice — just catharsis.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a podium — did Missouri just elect a Twitter troll with a Senate badge? Eric Schmitt strolls up to the mic and announces, loud and proud, that America “belongs to us.” Us. Not the folks who built the railroads, not the people whose...

Disclaimer:

The following rant contains harsh truths and foul language. If you’re allergic to either, your deductible just went up. George is not a doctor, but he knows bullshit when he smells it.

You hear what the Republicans cooked up this time? They yanked away the ACA tax credits — the only thing keeping working people from getting bent over by the insurance companies. And then they’ve got the nerve, the balls, the pure corporate chutzpah to say: “Oh, your premiums are too high now? Don’t...

Disclaimer: This rant is satire. George Carlin’s ghost is not running for office, the DOJ cannot subpoena punchlines, and no actual ballots were harmed in the making of this performance.

You know what I love? When the government tells you it’s about integrity.

“Integrity” means they’re about to jam their hand up your ass and rummage around for your wallet.

The DOJ—now run by Pam Bondi, who couldn’t find the First Amendment with a flashlight and a Sherpa—is suing states to hand over their entire...

Disclaimer

This is satire. I’m not a lawyer, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. If you’re a government official who thinks protesters are “racketeers,” consult a real attorney — and maybe a mirror.

So now the playbook is: you show up, shout “Free Palestine,” and the president asks—no, orders—his attorney general to see if you can be charged under RICO. RICO. Racketeering. The law they used on the Mafia, on real organized crime—now being auditioned for the role of “shut up the waiter’s...

Disclaimer: This is satire. It's angry, it's profane, it’s George Carlin through a megaphone. If you’re looking for polite Sunday school, you took a wrong fucking turn.

So what’s the grand plan for bringing manufacturing back to America? Tax breaks? Infrastructure? Training programs? No, no, no—ICE raids, baby! Kick down the doors of a goddamn Hyundai/LG battery plant in Georgia, slap irons on 300 South Korean engineers, and march them in front of the TV cameras like you’ve just busted El...

Disclaimer: This isn’t diplomacy, it’s George Carlin with a hangover. If you want respect for the United Nations, go read a treaty. If you want the unvarnished roast of a clown on the world stage, grab a seat.

First, the entrance. The man of the hour, the orange emperor, riding an escalator that promptly dies under his feet. Not sabotage, not international intrigue—just a GOP staffer tripping the safety switch. But of course, in Trumpworld, an escalator stopping is a deep state plot.

Then the...

Disclaimer: This is George Carlin with the gloves off. No polite science lecture, no fair-and-balanced horseshit. If you want soft voices, turn on Sesame Street. If you want blood, you’re in the right place.

So now Tylenol “causes autism.” That’s the line. No proof, no causation, just correlation wrapped in political horseshit. The best studies—the good ones, the sibling-control ones—show no link. But who needs science when you’ve got fear?

And here’s the genius move: FOTUS knows people still...

Disclaimer: The following is satire. It’s angry, it’s profane, it’s George Carlin–style social commentary. If you confuse it with scripture, that’s on you, not me.

So Donnie waddles into the Museum of the Bible—because of course he does—and announces his Department of Uneducated is gonna “protect prayer in schools.” Total protection, he says. Total. Like God’s rolling out the red carpet and the Secret Service is handing out rosaries at the door.

Let’s cut the bullshit: this isn’t about freedom....

Disclaimer: This rant contains turbulence, profanity, and strong political commentary. Fasten your seatbelts, keep your tray tables up, and if you’re easily offended—there’s the emergency exit. I’m not a pilot, I’m a pissed-off passenger.

So FOTUS and his merry band of grifters have decided Delta and Aeromexico can’t play nice in the skies anymore. “Anticompetitive effects,” they say. Oh sure, because suddenly THIS administration gives a shit about monopolies. Yeah, right. These people couldn’...

Disclaimer: This ain’t journalism, it’s George Carlin with a baseball bat. If you came for polite analysis, go find C-SPAN. If you want to watch the bullshit get scraped off with a rusty shovel, sit down.

First they came for the numbers.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics delayed its consumer-spending report because the numbers made Trump look bad.

Math is now partisan. Two plus two equals whatever Dear Leader says.

Then they came for the hunger stats.

The USDA killed the food security report. Because...

Disclaimer:

This is a satirical performance, Carlin-style — if you’re offended, congratulations, you’re still capable of human feelings, unlike these bastards in power.

So the latest shell game out of Washington goes like this: FOTUS takes half a billion dollars, waves it around, and says, “Look at me! I’m the champion of Black colleges! See how much I love HBCUs!”

And yeah, the schools on that list deserve the money — they’ve been underfunded and screwed over for decades. But here’s the trick:...

Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of knowing football — hell, he still thinks a safety is something you hide your money in.

You ever notice how George Carlin said football isn’t a game, it’s a war? “Marching troops into enemy territory, aerial assaults, sustained ground attacks.” Meanwhile baseball’s about going home. Home! Safe. Football is helmets and blitzes and destruction. Baseball is chewing gum and spitting sunflower seeds. Carlin nailed it: one’s pastoral, one’s...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER: Tonight’s program is brought to you by Dysfunction — the official sponsor of every Republican-led shutdown threat since Newt Gingrich discovered he couldn’t keep his pants zipped or his caucus disciplined.

Alright folks, strap in — because once again, it’s time for America’s dumbest recurring game show: Government by Hostage-Taking!

See, the House Republicans — those budgetary barn animals in ties — passed themselves a shiny little stopgap bill. Keeps the lights on until...

Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of insider trading — though if you’ve got a tip, he’ll probably sell it in a hotel ballroom for fifty bucks and a Big Mac.

Why does Donnie want to kill quarterly reporting and go semiannual? Simple: he doesn’t like report cards. Every three months the truth comes out — profits, losses, lawsuits, bankruptcies, all the fun stuff. Stretch it to six months, you’ve doubled the time before the public gets a peek under the hood. That means...

Disclaimer:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to America’s newest national pastime: Retribution Theater. Sponsored by Fear, powered by Spite, and hosted by your very own tinpot tyrant. Side effects may include unemployment, censorship, and sudden deportation.

Alright folks, gather round, because the circus is in town and the ringmaster’s wearing a red tie long enough to trip over. Here’s the show: piss off the king, and you’re toast. That’s the new Constitution. Forget checks and balances — we’ve...