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Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of understanding math — his relationship with numbers ended after ‘one, two, many.’

You know what the problem is with the monthly jobs report? Nobody’s picking up the goddamn phone! That’s it. People don’t answer surveys anymore. Caller ID killed statistics. Every lawyer in America tells their clients, “Don’t answer the government, you’ll just get sued.” So the Bureau of Labor Statistics has to beg like a Jehovah’s Witness at...

Disclaimer: Tonight’s program is brought to you by the Ministry of Truth, sponsored by the Trump Regime. Side effects may include paranoia, censorship, and involuntary deportation.

Alright, gather ‘round, kids. It’s time for another episode of “Authoritarian Mad Libs.” Today’s special? Trump is designating antifa a “major terrorist organization.” That’s right—antifa. Not ISIS, not al-Qaeda, not the white supremacist militias stockpiling AR-15s in their mom’s basements. No, the loose collection...

Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of being allergic to the truth—though the hives break out every time it comes near him.

So let’s start with Lisa Cook. Federal Reserve governor. Smart woman. First Black woman on the Fed board, PhD, knows what the hell she’s talking about. Which means, of course, FOTUS wants her gone. The charge? Mortgage fraud! They said she lied about a Georgia house, claimed it was a primary residence. Only problem? The paperwork says “vacation home....

SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

Now don’t get nervous, folks — this isn’t censorship. No, no, no. It’s patriotism! It’s the government leaning on billion-dollar corporations, whispering “Nice merger you’ve got there, shame if something happened to it,” until they yank the plugs on comedians who tell a joke the Dear Leader doesn’t like. Totally normal democracy stuff.

So Jimmy Kimmel cracks a joke. A monologue about Charlie Kirk’s murder, where he points out the MAGA freak show spinning harder than a...

Disclaimer

This is satire. Calm your tits, Marco. And Pam — don’t worry, nobody’s gonna prosecute you for crimes against logic. We’re not sure stupidity counts as hate speech… yet.

So now we’ve got Marco Rubio, the Secretary of State who still smells like Trump’s shoe leather, standing up and declaring: “If you celebrated Charlie Kirk’s death and you’re here on a visa, pack your shit — you’re out.” Deportation for bad vibes.

And at the same time, Pam Bondi — the Attorney General of the United...

Disclaimer: What follows is satire in the style of George Carlin. If you’re looking for a gentle Maine sea breeze of moderation, tough luck. This is more like a nor’easter with teeth.

Yesterday we mentioned that Susan Collins found herself a beard in Jeanne Shaheen so she could write a strongly worded letter about USAID food aid rotting in warehouses and contraceptives getting trashed instead of shipped. Strongly worded letter. Oh boy. That’s her trademark move, folks. The world burns, kids...

Disclaimer: Satire, folks. George Carlin–style, foul-mouthed, legally protected venting. If you can’t handle it, grab a juice box and find a safe space.

Two Black men. Two trees. Two days. Mississippi. And the cops say, “No foul play suspected.” You dumb motherfuckers. No foul play? What the hell do you call a Black man dangling from a tree in Mississippi—performance art?

You can smell the bullshit from here. The coroner’s out there faster than Amazon Prime, waving his little clipboard: “No...

Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing Marco Rubio of actually growing a spine — because there’s no evidence of that in the public record.

You want to measure the cost of Trump’s second term? Don’t look at the stock market ticker. Look at the warehouses. Look at the silos. Look at the pallets of ready-to-use therapeutic food — the stuff that saves children from malnutrition — being bulldozed into dumpsters in Georgia because the Department of Government Efficiency decided starving kids...

Hey hey, book hunters—Kendra Cassidy here, ready to drag you into the dark, thrilling, and just-plain-good storytelling of Val Penny—one of my favorite crime writers who proves that the heart of a mystery often lies in ordinary lives made extraordinary.

Val Penny is an American author now living in Southwest Scotland, penning two gripping crime series that’ll keep you checking over your shoulder long after you close the book. Her first claim to chilling fame: the DI Hunter Wilson Crime...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No presidents were harmed in the making of this rant — though some may have accidentally signed incriminating birthday cards. If you think the FBI once used Donald Trump as an informant, you’ve been huffing Freedom Gas straight from the can.

You want to know what fear looks like? Fear looks like Epstein survivors holding a press conference on Capitol Hill… and military jets buzzing overhead, drowning them out mid-sentence. Survivors of sex trafficking trying to tell...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No courts were harmed in the making of this rant — unless you count their overworked clerks. If you think the President has the power to bulldoze the Constitution, you might already be watching Fox News with the sound off.

September’s not even half over, and FOTUS has been racking up losses in court like a drunk gambler at a Vegas slot machine. Let’s take a look at the scoreboard, shall we?

First up: E. Jean Carroll. Remember her? He called her a liar, a “nut job,” all...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No influencers were harmed in the making of this rant — well, except the one who actually was. If you confuse satire with news coverage, that’s on the media blackout, not on me.

So here we are. September 13. Four days since Charlie Kirk got shot. And the right has been wall-to-wall about it. Candlelight vigils for the guy who made a career out of being hateful, smug, and dumber than a bag of hair.

But while Fox and friends are polishing his halo, what didn’t they talk...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No judges were harmed in the making of this rant — though a few lawmakers might need ice packs for the ass-kicking they just got from the Constitution. Any resemblance to actual legislative gerrymanders is entirely intentional.

Utah. The place where Republicans have such a death grip on politics you’d think Jesus himself was on the state payroll. They carved Salt Lake City into four Republican strongholds like a Thanksgiving turkey, slicing up the only swing district...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No judges were harmed in the making of this rant — though a couple may need to explain to their donors why they suddenly remembered the Constitution exists.

The Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. Yeah, that Fifth Circuit. The court so far right they don’t even have left arms. The place you go when you want theocracy with a side of tax cuts.

And lately? They’ve been… reasonable. I know, I can’t believe it either.

First up — drag shows.

Texas university says: “No drag shows...

Disclaimer

This is satire. No government officials were harmed in the making of this rant — unless you count their pride, credibility, and commitment to democracy. If you confuse satire with reality, that’s on reality for getting so damn close to parody.

You know your country’s in trouble when the National Guard shows up in D.C. not to protect the Constitution, not to respond to an attack, not even to fix potholes — but to spread mulch around cherry trees.

That’s not security. That’s stagecraft....

Disclaimer (snarky & legal)This is satire. If you think I’m accusing the State of Louisiana of being racist — relax. I’m accusing them of being so racist that even the Fifth Circuit Court noticed. Lawyers: you’re welcome for the distinction.

So, picture this: Louisiana. One-third of the population is Black. That’s a big, obvious number. You’d think that would mean at least a third of the seats would be drawn so Black voters can elect someone they actually want.

But Louisiana looked at that...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Furious, foul-mouthed, and performed in the spirit of George Carlin rising from the grave to scream at us for letting it get this far. If you think this rant sounds like a conspiracy theory—good. Because history keeps proving those crazy bastards right.

You smell that?

That’s the smell of democracy’s carcass getting sliced up by the MAGA carving crew while Stephen Miller licks the bones clean.

Here’s the playbook they’re running—and it’s not subtle. It’s the ...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Snarky but Necessary):

This is satire. Loud, profane, and performed with a middle finger raised to authoritarian cosplay. If you think storming into Chicago with the National Guard is “public safety,” you might want to get your head checked. Or better yet, crack open a history book.

You see this shit?

The Felon of the United States sits behind the Resolute Desk like a bloated Bond villain hiding behind mahogany and bruises—mumbling about “saving” Washington, D.C. from crime...

SNARKY LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire. This is fury. This is protected speech under the First Amendment, until FOTUS figures out how to burn that too. If you’re a legislator with a Sharpie and a god complex, duck and cover.

You hear that noise?

That’s the sound of democracy getting redrawn like a toddler’s coloring book.

Utah voters—remember them? Actual people?—passed a ballot measure for an independent redistricting commission. They wanted fairness. They wanted sanity. The legislature said:...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Vulgar, furious, George Carlin–style satire. If you’re the kind of person who thinks extorting a Fortune 500 CEO is “good business,” you should probably quit reading now and go polish your Trump NFT. Everyone else: buckle in.

So here’s the deal, folks: Donald Trump, the Felon of the United States, has finally pulled the mask off the whole operation. Forget the bullshit about “free markets” and “conservative principles.” He walked into Intel, pointed a fat,...