Legal Disclaimer: This is a George Carlin–style commentary. If you’re the kind of patriot who thinks starving kids builds character, you might want to put the flag down before it starts crying.

They’re not governing anymore, folks. They’re gambling with groceries. Forty-two million Americans—fifteen percent of the goddamn country—and these sanctimonious bastards are holding dinner hostage like it’s a bargaining chip in a backroom poker game. “Sorry, little Timmy, Daddy’s tax cut means you’re fasting for freedom tonight!”

The USDA’s got six billion bucks in reserves—your tax dollars, mind you—and what do they say? “Sorry, can’t use it. Laws, you understand.” Laws! The same crew that rewrites the Ten Commandments every time a billionaire farts in their direction is suddenly clutching the rulebook like it’s holy scripture. But funny thing—those same “laws” bend like a yoga instructor when it’s twenty billion for some fascist in Argentina. Apparently, it’s illegal to feed a hungry kid, but perfectly fine to bankroll a right-wing strongman who calls his people livestock.

And here’s the cherry on top of this shit sundae: if your state has the decency to say, “You know what, we’ll feed our own citizens while Washington jerks off to power plays,” the feds tell them, “No reimbursement.” Yeah. Fuck you for having compassion. Try explaining that to a governor with a conscience. “You can save your people, but it’ll cost you your budget.” That’s not a law—that’s a ransom note with letterhead.

So let’s say a governor steps up anyway. Finds the money, patches the gap. Great—except now their budget’s blown to hell. They’ve drained the rainy-day fund to keep kids from eating ketchup packets for dinner. And guess what happens next year, when the FOTUS administration comes knocking with “optional” mandates and funding threats? Those states are bent over and broke. You think that’s an accident? Hell no. You make the states dependent, you make them obedient. You starve their budgets while they feed your people, and suddenly you own them. Federal leverage disguised as fiscal discipline. The goddamn mafia couldn’t write a better playbook.

And don’t you dare call this “savings.” SNAP isn’t charity—it’s the oil in the economic engine. Every EBT dollar goes to a grocery store, a truck driver, a farmer, a warehouse worker, a cashier. Cut that off, and you’re not saving a dime—you’re detonating the local economy. You’ll see it in every small town in America: shuttered shops, food banks drowning, crime ticking up because people can’t eat laws and regulations for dinner. And then these same sociopaths will point to the wreckage and say, “See? Government programs don’t work.” No, asshole. They did work—right up until you broke them for sport.

Meanwhile, these clowns are playing the same hostage game with your health care. The premium tax credits that keep your insurance semi-affordable? Those are sitting right next to SNAP on the chopping block. “Give us what we want, or we’ll let your premiums and your blood pressure spike together.” It’s not governance; it’s extortion. They’re holding your food, your medicine, and your goddamn dignity for ransom.

And while all this is happening, the USDA’s website—the government’s own site—is running campaign ads. “Senate Democrats voted 12 times not to fund food stamps.” Holy Christ on a cracker, that’s not a government update; that’s Fox News with a federal login. They actually typed that out, during a shutdown they caused, using a program they defunded, blaming the people trying to fix it. That’s like the arsonist leaving Yelp reviews for the fire department.

Here’s the math, in case you’re keeping score at home.

Texas, California, New York—biggest SNAP loads, most screwed. 

Illinois, Pennsylvania, Minnesota—next in line for the meat grinder. 

Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia—broke as a joke, no reserves to speak of. 

Meanwhile, Maine, Virginia, and Massachusetts could maybe float a month or two, if they feel like burning their budgets to the ground for the sin of feeding people. 

Even Texas—Texas!—has the cash to do it, if it cared more about families than flag decals. But they won’t. Because now, even compassion has a price tag.

This isn’t policy. It’s punishment. Cruelty in a suit and tie. They don’t give a fuck if kids go hungry as long as they can crow about fiscal responsibility on talk radio. “We can’t afford this!” Really? You can afford private jets for Homeland Security, but not milk for toddlers? You can find $230 million to pay the FOTUS for “emotional damages,” but the cupboard’s bare for Grandma’s groceries?

And you know the kicker? This whole farce ends with them telling you it’s about freedom. “We’re defending liberty!” Yeah, liberty for who? You can’t eat freedom. You can’t feed a baby with patriotism. You can’t trade the Pledge of Allegiance for a loaf of bread. Their definition of freedom is you’re free to starve quietly, preferably off camera.

Once upon a time, America solved hunger by feeding people. Now we create hunger to feed power. This isn’t a shutdown—it’s a shake-down. They’re holding America for ransom, and the ransom note’s written in ketchup and tears.

You want to make America great again? Feed the fucking people first. Because it’s not “government waste” when a family gets to eat. It’s not “dependency” when a kid has breakfast before school. It’s not “entitlement” when you can look your neighbor in the eye and know they won’t go to bed hungry tonight.

This is the Great American Hunger Games, folks—and the odds are never in your favor.

But here’s the thing about hunger: hungry people remember. And when they do?

They don’t just bite back.

They devour the system that made them starve.