⚠️ SATIRE ALERT: THIS IS A GEORGE CARLIN–STYLE RANT. If you are easily offended, constitutionally delicate, allergic to profanity, or think FOTUS is playing 4-D chess instead of 1-ply tic-tac-toe, now is the time to evacuate the premises. Everyone else? Buckle up. The man’s ego is leaking all over the floor and it stains.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round. Strap in. We are witnessing a world-class Olympic event in Hypocrisy Gymnastics. FOTUS has completed a full epistemic backflip so tight and so fast that the physics department is still sweeping up drywall.

This guy spent YEARS — years — calling Epstein’s connections “a hoax,” “witch hunt,” “fake news,” “boring,” “not real,” “old news,” “the Clintons did it,” “who cares,” “shut up,” “look over there, UFOs!”

He acted like the mere mention of Epstein’s name gave him hives.

And now? NOW? Now he’s pounding the podium like a televangelist with a credit-card terminal screaming: “RELEASE THE FILES! EVERY LAST ONE! AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, LOOK AT THE DEMOCRATS TOO!”

Oh, now he wants transparency.

Now he wants names.

Now he believes victims.

Now he cares.

Why?

Because his name is floating suspiciously close to the sewage outflow, and suddenly he needs a whole lot of other people to smell like shit too.

This isn’t justice. This isn’t truth-seeking. This is the political equivalent of pointing at the dog after you’ve pissed on the carpet.

Here’s the funny thing — and by funny I mean “Jesus Christ we’re a doomed species” — Democratic voters have been consistent this whole damn time: “Name them. All of them. Don’t care who they are. If they exploited girls, throw them into the sun.”

Meanwhile his base has been conducting synchronized mental gymnastics like a cult-themed Cirque du Soleil.

For years: “EPSTEIN IS A HOAX! BIDEN DID IT! DEEP STATE!”

Now that Daddy Tangerine pivots? “Ah yes, of course, release the files, it’s all Democrats, burn them!”

You can practically hear the gears stripping in their skulls.

They don’t have beliefs. They have patch notes. When FOTUS updates the software, they reboot.

And now we get the sideshow of MTG — breaker of microphones, PTA boogeywoman — not crawling back to him, but crawling away like a spooked cat that suddenly remembered it has survival instincts. She’s on national TV doing the “Forgive me, America, I was wrong to worship the Mango Messiah” tour. And when Marjorie Taylor Greene — a woman who once treated FOTUS like he personally invented oxygen — pivots away from him?

Buddy, that’s not a red flag. That’s a whole goddamn fireworks finale.

One stray neuron fires in Marjorie’s skull and even she realizes the ship is sinking. Not because she grew a conscience — let’s not get whimsical — but because even the most committed cultist knows when the Kool-Aid jug has cracked.

And how does he respond?

Not with leadership.

Not with clarity.

Not with the basic emotional range of a toaster oven.

No — he smears the world with guilt so his own hands look clean by comparison.

“THEY DID IT TOO!” The eternal anthem of toddlers, cheaters, and men who have never accepted responsibility for a single goddamn thing in their adult lives.

Because let’s be clear: this isn’t about justice. This isn’t about protecting victims. This isn’t about shining a light into the darkness.

This is about company. He doesn’t want accountability. He wants camouflage.

If he can spray enough suspicion into the air, drown enough names in the muck, drag enough Democrats into the quicksand — then maybe, in the chaos, he blends in. If everybody looks dirty, then nobody notices the smell coming from his own shoes.

If everyone’s tainted, nobody’s accountable. If everyone’s guilty, nobody has to confess. If everyone’s dirty, nobody has to shower.

It’s straight out of the authoritarian starter kit: Accuse broadly. 

Confuse loudly.

Pollute everything.

Then claim innocence because “everyone does it.”

Here’s the part that really twists the knife: you know who actually wants the truth? Democratic voters. The people he’s trying to smear. The ones he’s pointing at like a toddler who broke the lamp and is blaming the cat.

They’ve been saying the same thing from day one: “Open the files. Punish every predator. Don’t care about the party.”

They’re not afraid of what might be found.

He is.

Because he knows what’s in those logs. He knows what’s in those photos. He knows what’s in those flight lists and sworn statements.

And he knows the walls are getting closer.

So when a man goes from “It’s a hoax” to “EVERYBODY IS GUILTY, LOOK OVER THERE!” in under six months? Hell, in under six days?

He’s not seeking justice.

He’s seeking the exits.