DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical commentary in the style of George Carlin. If you’re a lawyer for the regime, a constitutional scholar having a stroke, or a Supreme Court justice who can’t spell “ethics,” buckle up. This one’s gonna hurt like a civics lesson with a taser.

You ever notice how every time these people say “law and order,” what they really mean is “our laws, your orders”?

Yeah. The “rule of law” crowd doesn’t even like law anymore. They treat it like an old dog that won’t die—“Aw, sure, it’s cute, but can we shoot it already and build a golf course on the grave?”

They don’t read the Constitution; they wipe their asses with it, then wave it at rallies like it’s a goddamn napkin from Applebee’s.

Let’s start with the Felon of the United States—FOTUS. 

The man raids the research budget to pay the troops. Not because it’s legal. Not because Congress said yes. No—because the money was “just sitting there.” Yeah, so is the Mona Lisa, dipshit, but that doesn’t mean you can carve your face into it and call it patriotism.

They fired career lawyers for saying “uh, maybe don’t tell the judge ‘fuck you.’”

They deported people after the courts said stop, and then bragged about it on Fox like it was halftime entertainment. It’s the first administration in history to declare war on due process—and win!

They call their enemies “traitors.” They call peaceful protests “hate America rallies.” And then the President—our orange Louis XIV with dementia—posts an AI video of himself in a fighter jet dropping shit on American cities. 

I didn’t say metaphorical shit, folks. Actual. Digital. Turds.

He’s the only man who could take the phrase “raining on your parade”and make it a goddamn federal offense.

And the MAGA choir claps like seals at SeaWorld. “Look, Ma! He’s bombing democracy! So strong!”

Meanwhile, the Vice President’s wearing a crown. They’re posting propaganda art that looks like rejected DLC for God of War: Fascism Edition. Every time someone says “No Kings,” they say, “Yes, Daddy!” We’re one gold toilet away from Versailles on the Potomac.

You think that’s bad? They’re refusing to seat elected officials. 

A Democrat wins in Arizona? Nah. Mike Johnson’s too busy measuring curtains for his new theocracy. They’ve decided your vote is like a coupon—“Expires when inconvenient.”

And now they’re demolishing part of the White House. The East Wing. During a shutdown. Because what’s more symbolic than firing civil servants while the wrecking ball swings at history? If irony had a face, it’d be weeping blood on the South Lawn.

They say “We back the blue,” but they mean “We own the blue.”

They say “Support the troops,” then rob science to pay them.

They say “America First,” but only if you spell it with a K and salute with both hands.

They don’t serve the law—they serve the crown. The King is law, and the law is whatever the King’s Twitter account says before breakfast.

You ever notice how they talk about “freedom”?

Always with a capital F and a lowercase everything else. Freedom for them to ban books, freedom to lie, freedom to kneel on your neck for a traffic stop.

But not freedom to protest. Not freedom to vote. Not freedom to exist without a barcode.

They want obedience with a side of nostalgia. The 1950s—but with Wi-Fi and fewer minorities.

But here’s the thing they’ll never understand:

You can’t kill democracy with a gold crown and a shitpost.

Every frog, every grandma, every marching band in those No Kings rallies is a middle finger in human form. Because the people aren’t asking permission anymore. We’re not subjects. We’re the sovereign.

So yeah, FOTUS can drop all the turds he wants from his royal jet. But the only thing coming down is his poll numbers—and the sound of eight million Americans yelling back,

“NO KINGS, MOTHERFUCKER.”