Disclaimer: This is a George Carlin–style rant. If you believe “we’re all in this together,” you haven’t seen the launch list. Strap in, buttercup — the future’s boarding early, and the gate’s labeled IQ Required.
You know what’s funny about humanity finally cracking warp drive? It’s not the science. It’s the timing.
We spent five thousand years inventing civilization — fire, language, plumbing, TikTok — and the second we figure out how to bend spacetime, it’s not to explore the stars. It’s to get the hell away from everyone else.
Because let’s face it: if we start selling tickets to Alpha Centauri, the people buying them won’t be the ones screaming about chemtrails and flat Earth. They’ll be the ones building the ship. And the rest of you? You’ll still be down here arguing about whether the warp bubble violates scripture.
See, the diaspora doesn’t save everyone.
It filters everyone.
The first wave isn’t humanity’s representatives — it’s the species filing for a divorce. The engineers, the dreamers, the scientists, the artists — the ones who looked at the headlines and said, “You know what? Maybe I’d rather live in vacuum than on Facebook.”
They’ll be the new pilgrims. Meanwhile, Earth gets left to the landlords, the lobbyists, and the lunatics who think “AI” stands for “antichrist.”
And don’t get me wrong — I’m thrilled for the people who’ll make it out. Because if you’re bright enough to manipulate spacetime, you’re probably tired of sharing oxygen with people who still think climate change is a hoax and vaccines are witchcraft.
The cosmic ark won’t save civilization. It’ll rescue intelligence. We’re exporting the best of ourselves, and leaving behind the comments section.
I can see it now — Starfleet’s first memo from orbit: “All systems nominal. Life support stable. We regret to inform you that the human race is now officially divided into two subspecies: Homo Sapiens Interstellar — capable of reason. And Homo Stupidius Domesticus — still voting for demagogues and eating detergent pods.”
And here’s the punchline: the same morons who call science a hoax will celebrate the warp drive like they had anything to do with it. They’ll watch the launch on Fox Galactic and cry patriotic tears, completely unaware that the people on board were leaving them.
Maybe that’s the plan. Maybe the final act of human progress is subtraction. Maybe evolution looked at the comments section and said, “You know what? Time for a hard reboot.”
The smart ones won’t conquer space — they’ll escape Earth. And the rest of us? We’ll still be down here, screaming about pronouns while the sky gets quieter.
Final Thought:
The warp drive won’t be humanity’s greatest invention. It’ll be our most polite resignation letter.
“Dear Earth: it’s not me, it’s you.”