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By Kendra Cassidy, chaos navigator, romantically inclined realist, and official greeter of emotionally intense narratives

Well.

It’s release day.

Which means Shadow Bound is live—out in the world, breathing fire and whispering secrets, and sounding downright dangerous thanks to the incredible voice talents of Daphne Rivers.

So let’s talk about what you’re getting into.

Because this one?

This one’s not soft.

It’s sharp.

It’s messy.

It’s seductive and brutal and aching in that way that only happens...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (THE SNARKY VERSION):

The following rant is brought to you by the spirit of every outraged electrician, AI engineer, and renewable energy worker in the country. It contains strong language, violent metaphors (not real ones, calm down), and a deep, molten-core rage at stupid economic policy. If you're easily offended, good. That means you're still paying attention.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS looked at the smoldering wreckage of the American economy—held together with...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. It's hot. It's legal. It’s paranoid with purpose. If you're a senator with fragile optics or a platform CEO trying to look “kid-friendly” while selling ad data to Beijing, this one's not for you. But hey, if you love the smell of pre-crime censorship in the morning, buckle up.

Ah, Senate Bill 1748—the Kids Online Safety Act. You hear that title and think, “Finally, they’re gonna stop the algorithm from turning my sixth grader into an Andrew Tate cosplayer.”

...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. A eulogy with bite. A tribute soaked in sarcasm, soaked again in reverence, and air-dried with the tears of a thousand canceled comedians. No actual pigeons were poisoned during the creation of this obituary. We miss you already, Tom. Thanks for making rage sound like show tunes.

Tom Lehrer is dead.

And now the rest of us are stuck here, trying to laugh our way through the apocalypse without the man who turned nuclear annihilation into a jaunty piano ballad.

He...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Loud, legal, locked, and loaded. No executives were harmed in the making of this rant—unless you count the ones who sold their souls for a merger, shredded their dignity for approval, and still got curb‑stomped by animated 8‑year‑olds in snowcaps. If you're offended, congrats—you found the truth.

So let’s talk about Paramount. Or, as I now like to call them, the world's most expensive doormat.

You see, Paramount wanted something. A shiny thing. An $8 billion...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (With Maximum Snark):

The following content is a fictional satire, delivered by our legally-definitely-not-reanimated friend George Carlin. Any resemblance to real billionaires, bootlicking Congressmen, or sociopathic trust fund toddlers destroying public health from a golden toilet is absolutely intentional. Viewer discretion advised if you’re allergic to truth, swearing, or basic fucking empathy.

STAGE LIGHTS UP. SPOTLIGHT ON GEORGE.

You wanna talk about Medicaid? Yeah?...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Wild, profane, exasperated, and legally protected under what’s left of the First Amendment. If you think this is about you—it probably is. No real billionaires, ex-presidents, or sex traffickers were harmed in the making of this rant. But we’d sure like a word with a few.

You smell that?

It’s the distinct stench of scandal panic, desperation cologne, and stale Big Mac breath—the unmistakable fragrance of the Felon of the United States trying to outrun reality...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Yes, satire—where freedom of speech dresses up in anger and calls bullshit with a megaphone. Nothing here is an accusation, just exaggerated commentary by a fictional foul-mouthed ghost with no respect for fascists or phonies. If you're offended, congratulations—your conscience might still be working. And if you're in legal, political, or spiritual proximity to the Felon of the United States… buckle up, baby.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, billionaires,...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (SERVED WITH A SIDE OF CHEESE-FILLED SARCASM):

The following rant is brought to you by common sense, unfiltered joy, and a double-dose of fuck-the-system. No billionaires were harmed in the making of this rant—because they were all too busy charging you $18 for a beer and $40 to “upgrade” your seat to one that doesn’t smell like hot dog farts. Viewer discretion is advised, unless you’ve ever paid a “convenience fee” for breathing. In that case, strap in.

[GEORGE STEPS...

RANT DISCLAIMER:

This rant contains blasphemy against fascist fantasies, swears aimed at bureaucratic bullies, and a spectacular disdain for legalistic lunacy. Not recommended for those expecting presidents to respect democracy, basic decency, or, you know, the Constitution.

So here’s the latest idiot trick from Team Trump: they’ve launched a full‑blown citizenship-cancelling campaign, painting naturalized Americans as checkable boxes on a Trumpian hit list. If you lied about pot 20 years ago...

DISCLAIMER:

The following rant is powered by common sense and rage. If you're allergic to accountability—or love bureaucratic belt-tightening that tightens around kids—this might sting.

So here’s Storytime with Ryan Walters—Oklahoma’s Dept. of Education head who apparently thinks orders are magical fairy dust. Last week, he rolled out the grand master plan: “Every kid gets a free lunch!” No extra cash, no funding plan, just a big red stamp of “MANDATED” on school budgets.

Then he screamed, “Or...

SNARKY DISCLAIMER:

Tonight’s performance of “The Constitution Still Technically Exists” is brought to you by the Supremacy Clause, Article VI of your pre-owned Constitution. No substitutions, no refunds, and no guarantees that tomorrow won’t be a flaming shitstorm again. All rights reserved. Unless you're undocumented, queer, trans, female, or just generally inconvenient—then it's more of a suggestion.

So let me get this straight… SCOTUS—this SCOTUS!—actually upheld the Constitution?

Wait,...

DISCLAIMER (brought to you by Pfizer, Moderna, and the flaming dumpster fire of MAGA logic):

The following rant contains unfiltered common sense, satire sharper than an anti-vaxxer’s cognitive dissonance, and enough side effects to trigger Marjorie Taylor Greene’s panic button. Viewer discretion is advised. Especially if you're RFK Jr., a plastic surgeon with delusions of grandeur, or anyone who thinks injecting kids with saline is “heroic.” Let’s go.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,...

Snarky Disclaimer: The following rant is satire. It’s also what happens when you hand a Sharpie to a narcissist with a Napoleon complex and let him play economic Calvinball on live TV. Any resemblance to reality is, unfortunately, entirely intentional.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up for the latest episode of "America: The Dysfunctional Decline!" Starring your host and failed steak salesman, Donald “Tariff-My-Feelings” Trump, now proudly weaponizing Microsoft Word and...

Snarky Disclaimer:

This performance may contain disturbing scenes of bureaucratic overreach, fascistic cosplay, and offensive metaphors involving vegetables. Viewer discretion is advised. No loyalty oaths, biometric scans, or gold-leafed fealty signatures required—yet.

Let’s talk about what the MAGA machine’s America looks like right now. You know, the big beautiful country they promised to make great again by shoving it headfirst into a wood chipper.

We start in the fields—where food comes...

Disclaimer: This is satire, people. If you find yourself nodding along too hard, congratulations—you’re either mad as hell or finally paying attention. Either way, strap in. George is taking the mic.

You ever notice how every time the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals rules on something, it's like a raccoon got into your legal library and rewrote the Constitution with a Sharpie? These are the folks who treat civil rights like a seasonal option. Like, maybe you get healthcare, maybe your uterus...

Satire Disclaimer: This rant is brought to you by the spirit of George Carlin, reanimated for educational, sarcastic, and facepalming purposes. If you’re offended, congratulations—you still feel something.

FOTUS pulls so much shit, it’s easy to forget the other imbeciles clinging to his soiled diapers like barnacles on a flaming garbage barge. And at the very top of the rotten heap? Marjorie Taylor Greene, the lovechild of Alex Jones, a push broom, and a Men’s Rights subreddit.

Let’s take a...

(Because nothing says ‘land of the free’ like “U.S. citizens only—no refunds, no foreigners, no fun”)

SATIRE WARNING

This rant is protected under the Endangered Satirist Act of 2025. Contains high-altitude profanity, wildlife-grade sarcasm, and absolutely no tolerance for xenophobic bullshit. If you think “America First” means “Everyone Else Go Home,” then honey, you’re the reason we can’t have nice trails.

You ever just wanna take a walk?

Just a simple goddamn walk in the woods—no agenda, no...

(Now with 70% less democracy and 100% more limited-edition cologne)

SATIRE WARNING

This rant is rated G—for “George is tired of your shit.” The following material contains high-grade profanity, righteous indignation, and more truth than any State of the Union address you’ve heard since the Nixon administration. If you're looking for polite analysis, go watch a think tank cry on C-SPAN.

You ever wonder what happens when a con artist wins the presidency and decides he’s not gonna govern, he’s...

—Brought to you by the same people who think “freedom” means cutting your meds in half to afford heat

SATIRE WARNING

This is your final boarding call for the “Bullshit Detection Express.” If you’re easily offended by truth, sarcasm, or your own government screwing retirees with a smile, please exit the reality loop now.

You know what’s worse than getting old?

Getting old in a country that lies to your face and calls it a goddamn bonus.

So let me get this straight. The Social Security...