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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "academic freedom" is a brand of granola, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STARTS TELLING UNIVERSITIES WHAT TO THINK, WE'RE ALL ENROLLED IN THE SCHOOL OF AUTHORITARIANISM.”

So, Linda McMahon—yes, the same Linda who once ran a wrestling empire—is now the Secretary of...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Privacy Not Included):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a cop with a license plate reader and a God complex, buckle the fuck up.

George Says: “WELCOME TO TEXAS—WHERE YOUR WOMB HAS A GPS TRACKER AND YOUR RIGHTS HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.”

So now the cops in Texas have decided that your uterus is a crime scene and your license plate is probable cause.

You hear about this shit?

They tracked...

No Justice, No Ethics, All Pardons

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Shredded Constitution Edition):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you’re someone who thinks selling presidential pardons is “just good business,” kindly eat your gold-plated golf cart.

George Says: “PARDONS USED TO BE MERCY. NOW THEY’RE MERCH.”

You want to know how you get a pardon under FOTUS?

Three ways.

One: Donate.

Two: Might donate.

Three: Be a violent...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a federal official whose idea of border security is frisking every woman with a brain, a passport, and an opinion—grab a chair and prepare to be roasted.

George Says: “WOMEN WITH AGENCY? IN THIS ADMINISTRATION? DON’T BE RIDICULOUS—THEY’D RATHER YOU CAME WITH A USER MANUAL AND A WARRANTY STICKER.”

Let’s break this down.

You’ve got ...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage and Financial Whiplash):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a hedge fund manager with a moral compass that spins like a roulette wheel, you might want to skip this one—or better yet, read it twice.

George Says: “WHEN THE ECONOMY STARTS TAKING STOCK TIPS FROM MELTDOWNS, YOU KNOW THE SYSTEM’S BROKEN.”

So the suits on Wall Street have cooked up a new get-rich scheme, and...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Feathers):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire with a rare touch of tenderness. No birds were harmed in the making of this monologue. Except maybe a few Republicans metaphorically.

George Says: “IN A WORLD FULL OF ASSHOLES, LEAVE IT TO A BALD EAGLE TO BE THE DECENT ONE.”

So here’s the scoop: out in Casper, Wyoming—a place best known for wind, wide skies, and probably more gas stations than...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're Pete Hegseth or someone who thinks Call of Duty qualifies as military strategy, you might wanna grab a drink and brace yourself.

George Says: “THEY PUT A TALKING HEAD IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY—AND NOW THE TANKS ARE GONE BUT THE BAR’S FULLY STOCKED.”

Let’s talk about Pete Hegseth.

Yes, that Pete. Fox News Pete. Coffee-mug-throwing,...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a bureaucrat who thinks "emergency powers" are a blank check, you might want to sit this one out.

George Says: “TRUMP DECLARED A TRADE EMERGENCY, AND THE COURT SAID, 'NOT SO FAST, SPARKY.'”

So, the big news? The U.S. Court of International Trade just told Trump to take his "Liberation Day" tariffs and shove 'em where the sun don't...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now With Surprising Optimism):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire—with a rare glimmer of hope. If you're allergic to education, facts, or the idea that Americans might actually learn what the Constitution says, grab a helmet.

George Says: “HOLY SHIT—HARVARD’S GIVING AWAY EDUCATION THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS.”

Now this? This is weird.

Because for once—just once—we’ve got a big-name institution doing...

(Spotlight hits. George steps out, chewing on the air like it owes him rent.)

“So Texas wants to define what a man is and what a woman is. Real original, boys. Glad we solved hunger, poverty, and the healthcare crisis—now let’s legislate vaginas and testicles. That’s the ticket!”

pacing the stage like a tiger in a cage full of idiots

“Apparently, in Texas, you’re not a woman unless your body produces ova. Ova! That’s Latin for eggs, folks. So congratulations, ladies, you’re legally chickens...

“Oh great, now they want you to narc on history at a national park. Yeah, because nothing says ‘land of the free’ like ratting out a park ranger for mentioning genocide.”

smacks lips

“You know what this is? This is what happens when your country runs on branding. You don’t get history anymore, you get Historical. And it better be upbeat, goddammit! We want Mount Rushmore in 4K and the Trail of Tears reimagined as a brisk scenic hike. Sponsored by Jeep!”

And then he leans in, eyes wide.

“Can you...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Standard Issue, Now with Extra Rage):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're a billionaire tech mogul who thinks ethics is a bug in the system, you're probably not gonna like this.

George Says: “THEY CALLED IT A BEAUTIFUL BILL—BECAUSE ‘OLIGARCHIC POWER GRAB’ WAS ALREADY TAKEN.”

So now they’re calling it the One Big Beautiful Bill—like it's a golden retriever instead of a legislative back-alley mugging with...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire, in the full-bore, vein-popping, bullshit-scorching voice of George Carlin. Everyone’s guilty until proven hilarious. If you’re a lawmaker and feel personally attacked—good. That means you were paying attention.

George Says: “YOU KNOW WHAT CONGRESS IS? IT’S A COUNTRY CLUB WITH VOTING PRIVILEGES”

Mike Johnson—you know, the Speaker of the House, Third in line for the presidency—says he’s “sympathetic” to lawmakers who want to keep trading stocks.

Because—and I...

“JabberTrumpy”

With Explanatory Footnotes for Readers Who Don’t Speak MAGAnese

’Twas MAGA, and the slithy libs

(‘Twas a dark and stormy cult rally. “Slithy libs” = Slippery liberal elitists, best served with soy and panic.)

Did gyre and gimble in the Fake,

“Gyre and gimble” = hysterical flailing in the ‘Fake News’ cycle, often accompanied by fact-checking and tears of democracy.

All flimsy were the newsy fibs,

Flimsy, yes. But somehow still more structurally sound than Trump’s legal defense.

And...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the style of the late George Carlin. No actual microphones were harmed, but some political egos may be. If you think gamifying human rights is entertainment, you’re probably not the target audience—but you’re definitely the punchline.

George Says: “IMMIGRANTS COMPETING FOR CITIZENSHIP? CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE INVENTED HUNGER GAMES: AMERICA EDITION”

So let me get this straight.

The Department of Homeland Security is considering a reality TV show...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin, crafted for the purpose of political satire and darkly accurate humor. If your last name is Trump and you're already angry, maybe don’t do a line off the Constitution before calling your lawyer.

George Says: “DONALD TRUMP JR. WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT? YEAH, AND I WANT TO BE MISS UNIVERSE.”

So Don Jr. might run for president, huh?

Well sure, why not.

After all, we’ve already established that the presidency is no longer a job—...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “Kiss My Asparagus”):

This is a satire-laced rant written in the spirit of George Carlin. It represents the opinions of no one officially, except maybe the ghost of every pissed-off working-class hero who's ever had to count pennies at the grocery store while Congress debates their worth. Strong language. Stronger opinions. No apologies.

SNAP JUDGMENTS: STARVE THE POOR, FEED THE BASE

You wanna know what the GOP’s real plan is?

It’s simple.

Take food off your table...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin, inspired by current events and aimed squarely at bullshit, not belief. If you're offended, maybe ask yourself why your politics need a costume change and a Book of Esther to sell themselves.

George Says: “PROJECT ESTHER? MORE LIKE PROJECT DISTRACT-YOU-WITH-A-BIBLE.”

So now Trump’s launched Project Esther to fight antisemitism.

Sounds noble, right?

Until you remember it’s coming from a guy who hosted Kanye West and ...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “You Can’t Ban What You Don’t Understand”):

This is a George Carlin–style rant. It doesn’t speak for the Carlin estate, Congress, or your local angry PTA. It does speak for everyone who’s ever read a book, loved someone “the wrong way,” or touched themselves in the dark and didn’t feel ashamed afterward.

THE OBSCENITY BILL: CLEANING UP AMERICA, ONE FREEDOM AT A TIME

So now they’re pushing the Interstate Obscenity Definition Act. Sounds important, doesn’t it?

Like...

Associated Press

August 17, 2025

NUUK, GREENLAND (AP) —

In a development that has drawn muted international response but sharp condemnation from Denmark, elements of the United States National Guard landed in Greenland this week in what the Trump administration is calling a "strategic territorial assertion in the national interest."

The operation, conducted under direct presidential order, saw approximately 400 personnel from Florida and Texas deployed to the island. Troops arrived wearing...