Satirical Disclaimer: This is a George Carlin–style rant. It’s loud, profane, and aimed at public acts by public officials. If your job title includes “acting,” “spokes,” or “senior adviser,” wear a helmet.

Yesterday, with the government still shut down and troops going unpaid, the Felon of the United States decided to “fix” it by breaking the damn law. He raided the Pentagon’s Research, Development, Testing, and Evaluation fund—the money meant for building the future of national defense—and used it to cover payroll. His justification? “The money’s just sittin’ there.” Because in his mind, every unspent dollar is a personal piggy bank waiting for executive fingers.

He didn’t find a “creative solution.” He stole the fucking wallet and called it philanthropy. Paying furloughed troops with RDT&E money is not clever; it’s a smash-and-grab on the power of the purse. The Antideficiency Act isn’t a suggestion—it’s the lock on the cash drawer. And Captain Comb-Over just crowbarred it while the press office applauded like trained seals.

This isn’t about the troops. If it were, he’d recall the House, pass a bill, and pay them the legal way. But no—Little Mikey keeps Congress on a spa schedule, and the Felon of the United States plays sugar daddy with funds Congress set aside for, you know, research, testing, and the future. “Creative solution”? Sure—like paying your mortgage with the neighbor’s kidneys.

Founders 101: no king spends without the people’s say. We fought a whole revolution to keep some powdered wig from dipping into public money on a whim. Now the wig has a Wi-Fi password and a Truth Social account, and we’re all supposed to clap because he “kept the troops paid.” That’s not leadership; that’s hostage-taking with a flag on it.

And spare me the “Democrats want to sue him for paying soldiers.” No—they want to sue him for breaking the fucking law. The law is what protects the money from the monarch. If you cheer when your guy breaks it for a good cause, congratulations: you’ve just built the causeway for him to break it for a bad one. Today it’s paychecks; tomorrow it’s a slush fund for cronies and campaign stunts. Oh wait—that started yesterday, when he bragged about yanking billions from “Democrat districts.” The Impoundment Act? The appropriations clause? Into the shredder, right after the weather balloons and flood grants.

And look at the broader pattern—because autocrats don’t nibble, they swallow. Strip oversight. Starve blue communities. Announce war noises from the balcony. Turn DOJ into a protection racket with indictments for the disloyal and winks for friends. Then call protesters terrorists and pretend the crowd outside is a mob while the actual mob is wearing cufflinks inside.

You know what this really is? Kingship by accounting trick. He can’t pass a budget, can’t run a government, can’t keep the weather service funded long enough to warn a village in Alaska—but he can reroute the money and grin for the cameras. It’s the Tea Act with worse hair: lower the price to sell you the principle that you don’t get a say anymore.

Here’s the rule: if the president can move money wherever he wants because he says it’s urgent, then the people don’t own the purse—the palace does. And if the palace owns the purse, democracy is just a tip jar.

So no, Karoline, it’s not “creative.” It’s not “unprecedented leadership.” It’s a felony fantasy with a marching band. Pay the troops the legal way. Recall the House. Pass the damn bill. Otherwise stop pretending you love the Constitution while you’re using it as a napkin for executive gravy.

And to the rest of us: stop applauding the burglar because he left a mint on the pillow. This isn’t charity. It’s a stress test for autocracy. If he gets away with this, the next “creative solution” will come with sirens and a receipt you’re not allowed to read.