⚠️ Satire Disclaimer ⚠️This is a parody rant in the voice of George Carlin. It’s social commentary wrapped in profanity and sarcasm. Nothing here should be mistaken for a literal transcript of Carlin or factual reporting. If you’re allergic to satire, swear words, or pointing out when the Emperor has no clothes—strap in, because the turbulence is going to be rough.

So here’s the deal—October 2, President Trump decides we’re officially at war with the drug cartels. Yeah. A goddamn war. With cartels. Did Congress declare it? Nope. Did the people vote on it? Fuck no. He wrote a letter. That’s it. Put it in writing like he was canceling a Comcast subscription: “Dear Congress, please note the United States is now at war. Love, DJT.”

That’s how low the bar is now—wars by memo. Next week it’ll be a sticky note on the fridge: “Gone to war with Canada, back by Tuesday. Don’t touch my pudding cups.”

And here’s the kicker: he calls cartel smugglers “unlawful combatants.” Sounds official, right? What it really means is you don’t get a trial, you don’t get rights, you don’t even get called a person. You’re a label! Once you’re a label, they can do anything to you—bomb you, drown you, lock you in a hole forever. That’s the trick: stop calling people “people,” start calling them “combatants.” Poof—problems solved! Worked for Guantánamo, now it’s on to fishermen in the Caribbean.

And don’t you love how the legal experts all line up? “This isn’t stretching the envelope.” No, no—it’s shredding the fucking envelope, setting it on fire, and snorting the ashes through a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill.

The lawyers are saying what we already know: this isn’t war, it’s murder with a press release. “Still just murder,” one guy says. Of course it is! If I go down to Miami with a speedboat and blow up a guy because I think he’s got weed in the cooler, that’s not war—it’s dateline NBC! But if the President signs a letter, suddenly it’s “armed conflict.”

And don’t you love the irony? This is the “peace president.” The guy who campaigned on ending wars. Yeah, he ended them—by redefining war so it’s everywhere, all the time. Everything’s war! War on migrants, war on journalists, war on cartels. Next week: the War on People Who Cut Him Off In Traffic.

You know what this really is? It’s cosplay. It’s the Oval Office pretending it’s a Tom Clancy novel. But in real life, people die, and civilians get blown out of the water because a rich old man wanted to play Commander-in-Chief Fantasy Camp.

And the best part? The right-wing still eats it up. “Strong leader!” they cheer. Strong leader? He just gave himself “wartime powers” to fight people who aren’t a country, don’t have an army, and sell their product in half your neighborhoods already. That’s not leadership—that’s legal cover for chaos. That’s putting a “Made in America” sticker on tyranny.