⚠️ SATIRE DISCLAIMER ⚠️: This is a work of political satire in the style of George Carlin.It’s not journalism, not bipartisan, and not designed for delicate constitutions.

 If you’re clutching pearls or flags, set them down gently — this one’s gonna rattle the glassware.

You ever watch a dog chase its tail, catch it, and then bite down? That’s the Trump trade policy. The dog caught its tail, bit it clean off,and then declared victory on Truth Social.

Let’s roll back the tape, kids, because this clown car didn’t just roll into Beijing yesterday.

Day one of the FOTUS Administration — yeah, that guy, the Tangerine Authoritarian Clown Operative, The TACO in Chief — he wakes up, snorts a line of grievance, and decides:

 “You know who’s stealing our jobs? China!”

Never mind that the jobs left because billionaires wanted cheaper labor. Never mind that his own MAGA hats are made in Guangdong. No, no — it’s China’s fault.

So he slapped tariffs on everything from microchips to microwaves, from steel to sex toys, and called it “America First.” But all it did was make everything else more expensive.

You know who paid those tariffs?

You did.

You, the consumer, the small business owner, the factory worker he claimed to love. You got the bill — he got the applause. That’s the Trump Doctrine in a nutshell: He fucks something up, you pay for it, and he calls it winning.

So the trade war starts. China retaliates — because that’s what sovereign nations do when you punch them in the wallet. They hit back. Soybeans? Tariffs. Cars? Tariffs. Farmers start losing their shirts. So Trump bails them out — with your tax money. We’re fighting socialism abroad by practicing it at home. 

“Here’s your check, Farmer John. Don’t call it welfare, call it patriotism.”

Then he called a truce. You remember that? He bragged that he’d “fixed” the trade war — like a guy who set his own house on fire and then sold tickets to the rebuild. He paused the tariffs, took a photo with Xi, and called it “The Art of the Deal.” 

You know what China called it? Thursday.

Now here we are, months later, and the “truce” is deader than American manufacturing. China says, “Fine, you like tariffs? We’ll stop exporting the stuff you actually need.” Rare earth minerals. The building blocks of modern civilization. The magic dust that makes your iPhones glow, your Teslas roll, and your missiles go boom. 

And Trump’s response?

Slap another hundred percent tariff on everything else. Because when you’re drowning, the smart move is to pour more water in.

Let’s put this in perspective. He’s already got a 30% tariff on Chinese goods. Now he’s adding 100%. That’s a 130% tax on the same shit Americans already depend on. That’s not protectionism — that’s economic self-harm with patriotic branding.

And now, China’s locking down the rare earth market. Neodymium, dysprosium, terbium — these aren’t Marvel villains, they’re the ingredients for every microchip, magnet, motor, and missile we’ve got. Without them, America’s high-tech economy turns into a Flintstones rerun. 

Welcome to the future: we’ll be chipping stone tablets again, but at least they’ll say Made in the USA.

Short-term? 

Prices go up. Factories slow down. Stock markets nosedive like a Boeing jet built under Trump’s FAA. Your smartphone costs more, your electric car costs more, your electricity costs more. And guess what? The rare earths we do get will come from China anyway,

 because they own half the mining companies in Africa and South America.

Long-term? 

We lose the tech war. China gets to decide who gets the toys, who gets the chips, who gets the future. They don’t even have to invade Taiwan — they’ll just turn off the tap. And when America starts screaming “National Security!”, China will smile and say, “Oh, you mean economic security? You sold that in 2025.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s over here bragging about his “deal-making.” Yeah, he’s dealing alright — dealing cards from a deck we printed in yuan. He’s playing five-dimensional checkers on a board made in Shenzhen. And while he’s screaming about “rare earths,” he’s got a rare brain cell left to rub together.

You know what this is? This is what happens when you let a guy who thinks “supply chain” means “gold necklace” run the economy. He doesn’t understand how global trade works. He thinks tariffs are like Yelp reviews — if you leave enough bad ones, China will apologize and give you free shipping.

But tariffs don’t make America rich again. They make Walmart barren again. They make inflation worse, wages stagnant, and international confidence evaporate faster than his self-control at a buffet.

You want to hurt China? Fine — invest in American manufacturing. Fund STEM education. Rebuild supply chains here. But that takes planning, foresight, and patience —

 three things Trump hasn’t shown since the day he was born.

Instead, he’s giving us Trade War 2: Electric Boogaloo, and this time it’s powered by spite and Diet Coke.

So buckle up, kids — because the market’s about to crash harder than his hair in a hurricane. And when it does, he’ll blame China, Biden, immigrants, windmills, and the “deep state coffee cartels,” before selling a $99 NFT of himself as a rare earth miner.