Legal Disclaimer: This is satire, folks. A political exorcism in the style of George Carlin. If you’re a federal employee, DHS intern, or red-hatted hall monitor with a clipboard — relax. These are jokes about public figures, public acts, and the public collapse of common sense. If it stings, maybe fix the fucking system.

You’ve got to hand it to him — Donald J. Trump is the first guy in history to lose the Nobel Peace Prize because the world couldn’t find any war he actually stopped… and then declare that it’s the Nobel Committee’s fault for not understanding greatness.

Buddy, nominations closed January 31.

At that point, your major accomplishments were yelling at wind turbines and signing hats. If there was a Nobel for Noise Pollution, you’d have swept the category.

And while he’s busy bragging about “ending eight wars,” the only one he’s actually winning is the war on reality. His fans believe it — they’ve got merch! T-shirts that say Trump Stopped Eight Wars — right next to the Trump 2028 hats. Because nothing says “faith in democracy” like preordering your next Dear Leader.

See, this isn’t a campaign anymore. This is a revival tent. They’re not voters — they’re parishioners. And the gospel of MAGAdom is simple: In the beginning, there was Trump. And then, fake news.

He told a Christian crowd last year, “Get out and vote! Just this time. You won’t have to do it anymore!” You remember that? July 2024. “Four more years, you know what? It’ll be fixed, you won’t have to vote anymore.” And the crowd cheered! They thought he meant divine salvation.

No, baby — he meant permanent incumbency.

That’s not Heaven; that’s Hungary.

And now we’ve got congressmen — actual, elected, allegedly literate adults — saying we should repeal the 22nd Amendment if his “Gaza peace plan” works. Randy Fine, Republican, Florida — which explains a lot. “If every hostage is returned, we should repeal the 22nd and thank the Lord for every day Donald Trump can be our President.” 

Jesus wept, and then filed for Canadian citizenship.

Repeal the 22nd? Sure. Why stop there? Hell, repeal the 1st while you’re at it — that one’s already half-dead. Maybe throw in the 13th for nostalgia. Bring back monarchy! He’s already got the gold curtains, the family brand, and the instinct for dynastic succession. 

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting: Donald the First, King of the MAGA Kingdom, Lord Protector of Mar-a-Lago, Defender of the Faith (His Own).

And the faithful say, Amen.

Because they don’t want a president anymore — they want a prophet. Someone to tell them the flag is sacred, the enemies are evil, and the Constitution is a pamphlet of polite suggestions.

Meanwhile, the same crowd that spent years screaming about “tyranny” and “freedom” now cheers for a guy who literally promised they’ll never have to vote again. That’s not patriotism. That’s Stockholm Syndrome with bunting.

Democracy isn’t dying in darkness anymore. It’s dying under floodlights at a rally, set to Lee Greenwood and pyrotechnics, while everyone waves the very flag he’s using to smother it.

So yeah, the Holy MAGAdom is alive and well.

And the rest of us?

We’re living in the Church of Perpetual Gaslighting, where the collection plate’s a Super PAC and the sermon ends with “Buy the hat.”