🚨 Satire Disclaimer 🚨The following rant is a work of parody in the style of George Carlin. It uses strong language and sharp humor to criticize public figures, institutions, and the absurdities of human behavior. Nothing here should be mistaken for a factual statement about ongoing cases, individuals, or organizations. If you’re offended by profanity or truth dressed up in a flamethrower, you’re on the wrong flight.

So the FBI busts into this Florida mansion, right? Fifty-seven people packed into shoebox bedrooms like it’s a goddamn Spirit Airlines red-eye—and who’s running the show? Some clown calling himself “Apostle David Taylor.” Apostle! That’s what I love—slap a holy word in front of your name and suddenly you’re exempt from decency. Apostle, Bishop, Reverend, Prophet—fuck it, why stop there? Why not “Jesus’ Pool Boy” while you’re at it?

And he’s got his executive director! The church has an org chart, folks. Apparently God runs His kingdom like Goldman Sachs. “Armor Bearers”? Sounds badass, right? No, it’s just a fancy way of saying “slave.” These poor bastards fetching his sandals, polishing his Bentleys, hauling his stone statues. Yeah, nothing says humble servant of God like seven Mercedes and half a million in gold bars. Even the Pharaohs are looking up from the afterlife like, “Damn, tone it down, buddy.”

And the call centers? Fifty million dollars in ten years, all from wringing donations out of people who think they’re buying a ticket to heaven. You gotta love it—eternal salvation sold like magazine subscriptions. “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of the Kingdom of God. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior and would you like to put that on auto-pay?”

And if you didn’t hit your quota, oh boy—no pizza party for you. No, you got punished by God’s middle manager: sleep deprivation, humiliation, beatings, and divine threats. Imagine that: working for free all day, then being told you failed Jesus because you didn’t sell enough invisible product. Even Amway’s like, “Whoa, tone it down!”

Oh, and let’s not forget Apostle Dave’s “holy booty call service.” Transporting women around like Amazon packages, making sure they had Plan B ready. Yeah, “Armor Bearers” doubled as Uber drivers for his dick. That’s not religion, folks—that’s DoorDash for depravity.

This prick says he’s “Jesus’ best friend.” Best friend! What’s that even mean? You’re hanging out with the son of God, you’ve got the inside line on eternal wisdom, and all you come away with is “Hey, can you get me more gold bars and some nude videos?” If Jesus had friends like this, no wonder he walked around with twelve strangers.

And here’s the kicker: disobey him and you’re disobeying God. That’s the scam! They make themselves middlemen between you and the Almighty. “You don’t like me? Guess what—God’s got a problem with you now!” It’s like Comcast customer service: your bill’s wrong, your internet’s down, and somehow it’s your fault.