⚖️ Legal Disclaimer: This is a satirical commentary in the unmistakable, unfiltered voice of George Carlin. If you’re offended by words more than by corruption, you’re part of the goddamn problem. Public figures, public policy, public ridicule — it’s all fair game.

So apparently — apparently — Watergate was a hoax. Yeah. Donald the First, Lord of the Lies, has decided that one of the best-documented scandals in human history — complete with tapes, resignations, prison sentences, and an Academy Award-winning movie — was all make-believe. Like Santa. Or empathy.

You remember Watergate, right? The one where Nixon’s goons broke into the DNC, got caught, and then tried to pretend it was about “national security”? The one that gave us “the President is not above the law”? Yeah, that one. 

According to FOTUS, fake news.

He says it was “a hoax.” Which, in Trumpese, means “something true that makes me look bad.”

See, this is how it works in the Kingdom of Cognitive Dissonance. Every time reality takes a swing at him, he calls it a hoax. Pandemic? Hoax.

Election? Hoax.

Indictment? Hoax.

Watergate? Hoax.

Next he’ll tell us the Civil War was Antifa cosplay and Lincoln was a deepfake.

He’s rewriting history like it owes him royalties. Because he’s figured something out: if you can convince enough idiots that the past was fake, the present can be anything you want. You don’t need laws, or facts, or archives — you just need Wi-Fi and a megaphone.

Let’s not kid ourselves: this isn’t confusion. This isn’t senility. This is strategy.

He’s not stupid; he’s slippery. When you call Watergate a hoax, you’re not arguing about Nixon — you’re putting every future investigation of a president on trial. You’re saying, “If it happened before and it was fake, then anything you do to me must be fake too.” It’s the political equivalent of wiping your ass with the Constitution and calling it patriotism.

He’s building his own historical firewall — “No investigation of a president is legitimate because all investigations are hoaxes.” He’s trying to pardon himself retroactively, through time, using bullshit as a time machine. And the scary part?

It’s working.

Half the country’s nodding along like he just explained quantum mechanics with a Sharpie.

You see, dictators don’t just rewrite the future — they redecorate the past. They sandblast the monuments, rename the holidays, and repaint the villains as visionaries. He already gave us “Columbus Day for White Guys Who Don’t Read.” He’s working on “Watergate for People Who Hate Accountability.” Next up: “January Sixth — Bring Your Own Flag.”

And let’s face it, he’s not alone. The whole conservative clown car’s onboard this ride. You got senators quoting Orwell without realizing they’re the fuckin’ villains. You got preachers saying “God sent Trump,” which means the Almighty must’ve changed his number. You got media hosts with the historical literacy of a bag of hair explaining how Nixon was framed.

But here’s the kicker: Watergate wasn’t a hoax.

It was a warning.

It said, “If a president abuses power, the system will hold him accountable.” And what do you do if you’re a wannabe autocrat who hates accountability? You declare the warning label fake and eat the poison anyway. 

He’s not attacking history — he’s disinfecting it. He’s bleaching the record so when he does it again, it smells like freedom instead of felony.

Let’s do a quick review:

• Nixon recorded his own crimes.
• His staff testified under oath.
• The Supreme Court ordered the tapes released.
• People went to prison.
  That’s not a hoax, that’s a syllabus.
  It’s called evidence.
  Look it up — it’s in the dictionary, near education and endangered, which are both things his administration hates.

So, why say it? Because he’s allergic to accountability and addicted to grievance.

Because he wants to be remembered not as a criminal, but as a victim.

Because his cult doesn’t want a leader — they want a martyr with a social media account. They want Jesus with a spray tan. And if rewriting history keeps the collection plates full, so be it.

But here’s the thing about reality, folks. It doesn’t care what you believe. You can scream “hoax” at gravity and it’ll still drop your ass. You can call Watergate a hoax and Nixon still resigns. You can call yourself a genius and the dictionary still files you under dumbass.

The truth has receipts. And every time he tries to bury it, it crawls back out like the world’s angriest zombie screaming, “Check the tapes!”

So go ahead, Donald. Rewrite the textbooks. Rename the crimes. Rebrand the corruption. Hell, carve your own face on Rushmore with a steak knife if it makes you happy. But history doesn’t forget — it just waits. And when your grandkids ask why Grandpa called Watergate a hoax, they’ll find the tapes, the trials, the transcripts, and the lies — and they’ll realize the real hoax was you.

🎤 Final thought

You can’t make Watergate a hoax any more than you can make your toupee a personality.

You can rewrite the headlines, but not the evidence.

You can gaslight a nation, but not forever.

Because sooner or later, the lights come on — and the cockroaches scatter.