⚠️ Satire Disclaimer ⚠️This is a parody rant in the voice of George Carlin. It’s political satire — not a transcript, not legal advice, and definitely not approved by anyone with a financial stake in this circus. If you’re the sort of person who thinks hedge funds have your best interests at heart, buckle up, Sparky — you’re about to get a crash course in capitalism with a sledgehammer.
So now the government wants to sell the student loans. Not fix them. Not forgive them. Not make college affordable. Nope — sell them. Like a fucking yard sale for human futures.
They’re calling it “privatization,” which is a fancy word for “we found a way to make your misery profitable.” They’re gonna take $1.6 trillion in student debt — that’s trillion with a T, the “T” stands for too bad, sucker — and hand it to the same Wall Street creeps who crashed the economy, bought vacation homes with the bailout money, and then told you to “learn to code.”
And they’re not even pretending it’s about helping students. Oh no, it’s about “wiping it off the government’s books.” You know what else wipes things off the books? Arson.
Here’s the plan: sell “high-performing” loans to private buyers. High-performing meaning — and this is my favorite part — the people still paying! The ones breaking their backs to keep up with the interest. Those poor bastards get “rewarded” by having their debt sold to a hedge fund with a motto like “Predation Is Innovation.”
And who’s gonna buy them? Hedge funds. The same guys who look at a foreclosure and see a beach house. You can already hear the sales pitch: “Hey, you owe us $80,000 for your degree in biology. But good news — we also own the company you work for! So we’re offering a limited-time deal: 20 hours of unpaid overtime every week in exchange for continued employment! Don’t like it? No problem — we’ll garnish your wages and your dignity!”
You think they won’t do it? These people invented financial sadism. They turned mortgages into confetti, made billions betting you’d lose your job, and then took a bonus for accuracy. Now they get to hold your diploma hostage.
And of course, it’s all being sold as “fiscal responsibility.” That’s government code for “we couldn’t find a way to make billionaires pay taxes, so we’re selling you instead.”
Trump and his merry band of corporate vampires already killed the Department of Education — or at least handed it to Linda “WrestleMania for Literacy” McMahon. Now they’re selling off what’s left. Next up, they’ll auction the Smithsonian to Disney and rename it “The Hall of Alternate Facts.”
You see the pattern? They want government so small it can fit inside a billionaire’s pocket. And you? You’re the loose change.
They talk about the “free market,” but what they really mean is “free to exploit.”
Because in Trump’s America, everything’s for sale — the debt, the data, the democracy, and if you stand still too long, your kidneys.
And here’s the real kicker — every time they privatize something, it costs more.
Private prisons, private health care, private defense contracts — all the same con.
You pay the same taxes, they pocket the profits, and when it all collapses, they come back to you for the bailout. It’s the circle of strife!
They call it capitalism. I call it organized looting with better lighting.
And you know damn well how FOTUS makes out: He sets up a “consulting firm” — probably called Trump Debt Solutions — to “facilitate” the sale. He charges the government a finder’s fee, then charges the hedge fund a partnership fee, then charges the students an “American Greatness Surcharge” just to log in and check their balance.
If there’s a nickel in it, he’s already got the vacuum running.
You want to know what could go wrong with selling student debt to hedge funds?
Everything. It’s like handing a pyromaniac a lighter and a barrel of gasoline and saying, “Now don’t start any fires — but if you do, make sure to monetize them.”