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LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and social commentary. It does not reflect the actual views of any public figure or institution and is intended solely for criticism, parody, and entertainment.

If you’re offended, you’re probably the type of person who thinks empathy is a handout and irony is a security threat.

Put the pitchfork down—this is free speech on full blast.

George Says: “CUTTING FOOD STAMPS TO LOWER FOOD...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a satirical roast, performed in the unmistakable style of the late George Carlin—raging, raw, and immune to lawsuits from people with podcast sponsorships for pine needle supplements. It is not polite. It is not bipartisan. It is Carlin. If you’re clutching pearls, you probably funded a Super PAC called “Moms for Misinformation.”

“RFK Jr.: From Conspiracy Candidate to Trump’s Witch Doctor-in-Chief”

A George Carlin-Style Rant in Two Insane Acts

Act One: RFK Jr., the...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. It’s angry, profane, and unfortunately, entirely plausible. If you came for comfort, this ain't the monologue for you.

George Says: “IT’S NOT A TAX POLICY—IT’S A FUCK YOU POLICY.”

So Trump and the GOP say they won’t lift the SALT cap.

Not because it’s bad economics.

Not because it’s wasteful.

Not because they give two shits about fiscal responsibility.

But because the wrong people would benefit.

You hear that?

Not criminals.

Not...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. If you think banning hurricanes with a Bible verse is good governance, you may want to stop reading now and go vote for a storm drain.

George Says: “THEY CAN’T FIX ROADS, BUT THEY’RE GONNA FIX THE SKY?”

So now Republican state legislatures are passing bills to ban weather manipulation.

Let me repeat that: Weather. Manipulation.

Because apparently, droughts, hurricanes, and heatwaves aren’t caused by fossil fuels or a collapsing...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire in the voice of George Carlin. It's angry. It's pointed. It's probably not fit for TV. But it’s also the kind of truth we’re not supposed to say out loud.

George Says: “IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH THE FAMOUS ONES. THEN IT’S YOU.”

So now Donald Trump wants the DOJ to investigate Beyoncé, Oprah, and Springsteen.

You heard that right.

A former president demanding criminal investigations into musicians and talk show hosts.

Why?

Because they said nice things about someone...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If your ego bruises easily, you may want to leave the room now and go hug a flag.

George Says: “THE ONE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL? MORE LIKE THE ONE BIG BULLSHIT BONANZA”

You know what they should’ve called it?

“The We Don’t Trust You Bill.”

Because that’s what it is.

It’s a 1,100-page hand grenade lobbed straight at democracy by a bunch of sycophants playing lawyer dress-up in the middle of the night.

Let’s take a...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you're in favor of criminalizing protest, filming cops, or generally telling people to sit down and shut up, this one’s probably gonna feel personal.

George Says: “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE BEING FILMED IN PUBLIC, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE A PUBLIC FUCKING SERVANT”

Let’s talk about Texas Senate Bill 1208 and its evil twin, HB 3565.

On the surface?

“Interference with public duties.”

Sounds reasonable, right?

But then you read the...

“The Orange”

A tragic poem in the tradition of Edgar Allan Poe, defiled by narcissism, Twitter rage, and cheeseburgers.

Once upon a press night dreary, while he ranted, bored and bleary,

Over many a slanderous screed of fake news he would deplore—

While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping,

As of someone gently clapping, clapping outside Mar-a-Lore.

“’Tis the base,” he muttered, snapping, “lining up outside my door—

Just the patriots. Nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant written in the voice of the late George Carlin. If you’re offended by sharp language, sharper wit, or the idea that books might be more important than pearl-clutching politicians, turn back now. And go read something.

George Says: “THEY TRIED TO BAN BOOKS IN TEXAS—AGAIN. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID.”

You know what HB 1375 was?

It was a lawsuit delivery system for the terminally fragile.

It said, “Hey, if you read something that makes your pants tight...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a satirical rant in the voice and style of the late, great George Carlin. It does not reflect the actual views of George Carlin (though he’d probably nod along from the afterlife with a cigarette and a sarcastic smirk). No trade ministers were harmed in the making of this screed—though a few egos might get bruised.

George Says: “YOU CALL THIS A DEAL?”

Oh, goodie! A 90-day pause on tariffs! That’s not a deal. That’s economic foreplay with no intention of...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Filed Under “You Can’t Legislate the Stupid Away”):

This satirical rant is delivered in the voice and volcanic tone of George Carlin. It does not represent the Carlin estate, the Texas legislature, or anyone who confuses internet hoaxes with public policy. It may contain language, logic, and laughter not suitable for lawmakers.

THE FURRIES ACT? TEXAS, YOU’VE FINALLY LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND

So let me get this straight.

Texas—home of “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper stickers and ...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a work of savage, satirical fiction written in the style of George Carlin. If you came here for nuance, go find a TED Talk. This is the verbal equivalent of dragging hypocrisy behind the barn and beating it with the Constitution.

“Trump’s Antisemitism Crusade: Weaponized Guilt, Woke-Washing, and a Big Fat Power Grab”

As performed by George Carlin’s ghost, wired on espresso and constitutional outrage

Let’s be real: when Trump says he’s “fighting antisemitism,” he doesn...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical commentary in the spirit of George Carlin. It aims to provoke thought and highlight the absurdities in current events. If you're offended, perhaps it's because the truth hits too close to home.

George Says: “WHEN A DEAD WOMAN HAS MORE LEGAL RIGHTS THAN A LIVING ONE, YOU KNOW THE SYSTEM'S FUCKED”

So, let me get this straight. Adriana Smith, a 30-year-old nurse and mother from Georgia, is declared brain dead—legally dead—after suffering severe blood clots...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Fresh-Pressed for 2025):

This rant is a satirical blowtorch in the voice of the late, great George Carlin. It does not represent the Library of Congress, the Carlin estate, or anyone who’s ever used “DEI” as a slur. Contains profanity, sarcasm, and blindingly bright logic. Side effects may include clarity, anger, and spontaneous applause. Don’t drive while listening—your steering wheel might flip off the nearest politician.

THEY FIRED A LIBRARIAN. A FUCKING LIBRARIAN.

Let me...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical performance in the style of George Carlin. Names are real. The rage is theatrical. The laughter? That’s up to you. But if you’re still defending this shit by the end, you might be the punchline.

George Says: “ADAM SCHIFF’S GOT RECEIPTS—BUT AMERICA’S STILL SHOPPING AT THE GRIFTMART”

So Adam Schiff—yeah, that guy.

California Congressman.

Now Senator.

Looks like a high school principal who confiscates vape pens and then writes a 38-page memo about it.

BUT—

He...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

The following is a satirical performance in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It is fiction. It is fire. It is not safe for policy wonks or embassy procurement officers with fragile egos.

George Says: “YOU EMPLOY ME, YOU OWN ME? GET BENT.”

So now the United States is sending letters...

to foreign contractors...

in other countries...

telling them:

“Hey, we’re hiring you to fix our plumbing—but also, could you go ahead and abandon your entire country’s civil rights...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire. It is not meant to imply that Ryan Walters is, in fact, a salad sandwich, a Quayle clone, or functionally allergic to facts. However, it is meant to suggest that his educational policies are objectively dangerous, historically regressive, and politically manipulative. Consult your teacher, librarian, or any functioning adult for further clarification.

George Says: “There’s a War on Intelligence—and Oklahoma’s Winning It”

The Oklahoma Department of Education has...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because It’s Either This or Bail Money):

This is a satirical commentary in the voice of George Carlin. It does not represent the views of the Carlin estate, the State of Texas, or anyone with a functioning science education. May contain rage, profanity, and harsh truths. If your feelings are hurt, go hug a solar panel.

TEXAS PASSES A BILL DEMANDING THE SUN WORK OVERTIME

Let’s just say it, folks: Texas has officially declared war on reality.

They passed a bill—SB 1285—that...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical rant in the voice and style of the late George Carlin. It is a fictional performance and does not represent real statements by Carlin or any living person. If you are a former Congresswoman, current intelligence overlord, or newly-minted autocrat with hurt feelings… you’ll be fine.

George Says: “YOU KNOW WHAT SHE IS? SHE’S THE TRIFECTA.”

Stupid.

Full of shit.

And fucking nuts.

Let’s start with stupid.

You fire your top intelligence analysts…

for telling the...

Author’s Note:

The following is a work of fiction.

It is not a prediction. It is not a manifesto.

It is a story.

“Clean Hands, Dirty Deals” is set in a dystopian near-future America where pornography has been outlawed, sex work driven underground, and legal protections dismantled in the name of “moral restoration.” This is not reality—but it is a reflection of the real-world dangers when ideology is weaponized against bodily autonomy and freedom of expression.

Any resemblance to real events or...