Disclaimer: This is satire. But when reality looks like parody, satire’s job is just pointing out the punchline.

So here it is, folks: TrumpRx. Yeah, because nothing says “trustworthy medicine” like a discount drug website named after the fucking guy who thinks bleach is a sports drink.

They’re calling it a “direct-to-consumer platform.” I call it a drug cartel with a .gov URL. You log on, you buy your meds, and in exchange Pfizer gets a three-year hall pass on tariffs. That’s not policy, that’s a protection racket. “Nice little pharmaceutical industry you got there. Shame if something happened to it. Sign here, kiss the ring, you get to keep your patents.”

And don’t miss the brand play. TrumpRx. This isn’t Medicare reform, it’s fucking merchandising. Same guy who sells sneakers, steaks, and NFTs is now slapping his name on insulin. What’s next? TrumpChemo? TrumpChewables? Melania’s Midol?

Here’s the real kicker: he’s dangling tariffs like brass knuckles. “Discount your pills or I’ll slap a 100% import tax on every branded drug.” That’s not negotiation, that’s extortion. Pfizer bends, and suddenly he’s a health care hero. Except—you know who doesn’t win? You. Because insurance, PBMs, generics, and the whole goddamn mess of the system aren’t touched. You’ll still drown in bills; now you’ll just do it with a shiny Trump logo on the receipt.

And don’t get me started on the legality. Presidents can’t set drug prices or rewrite trade law out of their ass. But who cares? Laws are for suckers, right? That’s the whole vibe: America First, Constitution Last.

So let’s call it what it is: TrumpRx is a scam. A drug-dealer’s loyalty program. Pfizer pays in discounts, Trump pays them back in tariff exemptions, and the American people pay in higher premiums and more bullshit.

You want affordable meds? Stop letting billionaires sell you snake oil branded as salvation. Because at the end of the day, this isn’t medicine. It’s a mugging in a lab coat.