Disclaimer: This is satire. But when the government starts labeling criticism as terrorism, satire becomes the last line of defense.

So here it is, folks: NSPM-7. Sounds harmless, right? Like a new printer model. “Now with more toner, less paper jams!” But no, this is FOTUS’s shiny new weapon in the war on reality. Official title? Countering Domestic Terrorism and Organized Political Violence. What it really means? Shut the fuck up or you’re the next Unabomber.

They wrote this thing so broad, so vague, so sloppy, you could drive a convoy of bullshit through it. “Civil disorder.” “Harassment.” “Radicalization.” Translation? If you protest too loudly, if you call a politician an asshole on the wrong day, if you donate to a group that prints mean bumper stickers — congratulations, you’re now on the terrorist watchlist.

And who’s in charge of enforcing it? Oh, just every three-letter agency they could drag out of the basement. FBI, DOJ, IRS, Treasury. They’re not countering al-Qaeda anymore — they’re countering Aunt Linda with a megaphone at the school board meeting.

The IRS gets to yank tax-exempt status from any group that dares organize. The Treasury gets to freeze your accounts because you Venmoed twenty bucks to “Moms Against Bullshit.” And the Joint Terrorism Task Forces — you know, the guys who were supposed to stop bombs on airplanes — are now tasked with monitoring whether your student club is plotting violent dissent or just ordering pizza.

And don’t forget the cherry on top: the power to designate domestic terrorist organizations. That’s right. They can slap the word “terrorist” on anybody who makes FOTUS look bad. No trial, no jury, no nuance — just poof, you’re a terrorist. Assets gone, reputation destroyed, welcome to the black hole of American justice.

This isn’t about safety. This isn’t about violence. This is about control. They’ve taken the legal toolkit meant for terrorists and turned it inward, onto activists, journalists, teachers, comedians, anyone who won’t kiss the ring. They’re making speech into crime, protest into conspiracy, and dissent into terrorism.

So here’s NSPM-7 in plain English: the government decides who’s a threat, and the definition of “threat” is “anyone who doesn’t clap hard enough.” That’s not counterterrorism. That’s authoritarianism with a bureaucratic memo stapled on top.

Welcome to America, folks. Land of the Free — unless you speak freely. Then you’re fucked.