Disclaimer: This is satire. If it feels like the truth, that’s only because the truth has been mugged, gagged, and stuffed in the trunk of a black SUV.

So now we’ve got this shiny new scheme: the White House sends letters to nine universities — and tucked inside? A 10-page “compact.” Sounds official, doesn’t it? Compact. Like a peace treaty. Like the Magna Carta. What it really is? A mob contract. “Sign here, kid, and maybe your school doesn’t have an unfortunate accident where the federal funding falls down a flight of stairs.”

What’s in this sacred compact? Oh, the usual. Freeze tuition for five years. Limit those scary foreign students. Define gender the way Dear Leader says it should be defined. And above all, make sure nobody ever says anything mean about conservatives. Because that’s the great crisis of American higher ed: not hunger, not debt, not collapsing infrastructure — no, it’s that Kyle got his feelings hurt in Sociology 101.

And the carrot? “Sign this, and you’ll get multiple positive benefits.” Translation: you’ll keep the money you’re already owed. That’s not a benefit, that’s extortion with a smiley face.

This isn’t governance, this is academic racketeering. It’s turning universities into subsidiaries of Trump, Inc. You don’t get to set policy, you don’t get to teach what matters, you don’t even get to decide who counts as a student — you follow the compact, or the compact follows you home.

And spare me the fig leaf about “protecting conservative ideas.” Universities already protect speech. What this protects is power. It protects the administration from criticism, from dissent, from young people who can see through the bullshit. You want to study gender? Too bad, the definition comes from the Oval Office now. You want to host international students? Not unless they pass the loyalty test. You want to raise tuition because the feds gutted your funding? Sorry, the Don says freeze it — but don’t worry, he’ll send a gold-plated “TrumpRx” pill bottle to cover the gap.

This compact isn’t about education. It’s about obedience. It’s a gag order dressed up as reform, a ransom note written in legalese. And if you’re a university president thinking of signing it, I’ve got two words for you: bend over. Because once you take that deal, you’re not running a university anymore. You’re running a Trump franchise with ivy on the walls.