Disclaimer: This ain’t policy analysis, it’s George Carlin with his middle finger up and a spotlight. If you want nuance, tune into NPR. If you want to hear how your country’s being sold off like a clearance rack at Walmart, pull up a chair.

So Fat Orange Jesus waddles into the Oval Office, waves his tiny Sharpie, and suddenly an H-1B visa—the lifeline for skilled workers, scientists, doctors, and engineers—jumps from a couple grand to a hundred thousand dollars. One hundred. Thousand. Dollars. For paperwork. That’s not immigration policy, that’s a fucking shakedown with a letterhead. That’s a mob boss in a flag pin saying, “Nice little company you got there, be a shame if it couldn’t hire anyone competent.”

And you know what his logic is? “We need great workers, so this ensures we get great workers.” Yeah, because nothing says “great worker” like the boss having a hundred grand lying around for each one. You don’t get doctors that way, you don’t get coders that way—you get oligarchs’ kids with fake résumés. You want the world’s best biochemists? Too bad. They’re in Toronto now, working on a vaccine you’ll never see, because Canada didn’t slap a fucking cover charge on science.

But wait—there’s more! Introducing the Trump Gold Card! Sounds like a shitty credit card you get pre-approved for in the mail. Permanent residency and a “path to citizenship” for one million bucks. Got five million? Well then step right up, sir, you get the Platinum Card! Spend nine months of the year here tax-free. That’s right, folks, America’s for sale, and every visa comes with a set of steak knives.

Meanwhile, real immigrants—you know, the ones who work the jobs Americans won’t, the ones who pay their taxes, the ones who wait in line for decades—those people get told to piss off. Because the system isn’t about merit, or hard work, or family anymore. It’s about money. Flash the cash, buy the pass. Everyone else? Back of the line, sucker.

And the best part? He slaps his own name on it. “Trump Gold Card.” Like it’s a casino, like it’s bottled water, like it’s another scam in a long line of scams. The presidency has become QVC. “Act now and you too can own a piece of America! Limited time only, while supplies last, batteries not included.”

And the MAGA morons cheer, “America First!” Yeah, right. America First, Brainpower Last. Because you know what happens when you make visas cost as much as a house? The talent goes somewhere else. The jobs go offshore. The labs go overseas. The innovation that made this country matter? Gone. So instead of America First, it’s America Alone. America Broke.

This isn’t immigration reform—it’s immigration racketeering. It’s a toll booth run by the world’s dumbest toll collector. And the message to the planet is clear: America’s not for the best and brightest anymore. It’s for the richest and dumbest. And guess what—we’ve already got plenty of those.