SNARKY DISCLAIMER: This rant contains explicit language, contagious rage, and traces of hoof disease. Viewer discretion advised, especially if you own a farm, a functioning brain, or any remaining faith in capitalism.

So let me get this straight.

The U.S. government is shut down. Federal workers aren’t getting paid, SNAP’s about to go dark, and millions of Americans can’t afford Thanksgiving dinner. 

But somehow — somehow! — the Treasury found forty billion dollars to bail out Argentina. Not because it’s good policy, or strategic necessity, or humanitarian aid. No, no — it’s because the little fascist haircut running Argentina is Trump’s spirit animal. Javier “Chainsaw Jesus” Milei — the man who looked at neoliberalism and said, “Nah, not unhinged enough.”

And FOTUS sees that and thinks: Finally! Someone who gets me.

We’re not bailing out a country.

We’re buying an escape route.

Because when the indictments pile too high, the walls close in, and the Secret Service finally says “you’re on your own, Don,” he’s going to need somewhere with friendly faces, loose extradition, and a nice German enclave that remembers how to hide war criminals.

But that’s not even the stupid part.

We’re not just sending cash. We’re buying pesos. We’re propping up a collapsing foreign currency with American tariff money —the same tariffs that raised prices for U.S. consumers, strangled our exports, and pissed off China so badly they stopped buying our soybeans.

So now we’re paying off farmers for crops they can’t sell because of tariffs we imposed,

 using tariff revenue that came from American companies paying those same tariffs. It’s a perfect circle — like a snake eating its own ass while waving an American flag.

And to really complete the set?

Now we’re importing Argentine beef. Not because it’s safe. Not because it’s cheaper.

 Because the President of the United States thinks “Foot-and-Mouth Disease” sounds like a branding opportunity.

American cattle farmers are dying out — drought, parasites, skyrocketing feed costs —

 and he’s over here saying, “What if we bought foreign meat from a bailout country with a foot fungus problem?” It’s like burning down your house because you’re cold.

He tells reporters, “We’ll buy some beef from Argentina, help them out, bring prices down.” Right — and maybe we’ll import some plague rats to lower rent.

Every economist on the planet says it won’t work. Argentina doesn’t even produce enough to affect U.S. prices. It’s theater — the kind of dumb, chest-thumping, self-serving performance art that makes rich men richer and everyone else poorer.

And who benefits?

Trump’s hedge-fund buddies who bet on Argentine bonds. They get to cash out before the peso collapses for good. We bail out their losses, prop up their profits, and call it “economic diplomacy.”

This isn’t America First.

It’s America Bent Over. We’re fucking ourselves in three directions:

• Screwing over our farmers.
• Feeding a dictator’s economy.
• And using our own recession-bait tariffs to bankroll it.

All while pretending it’s about “helping allies.” Allies, my ass. It’s a payday for plutocrats and a passport for Trump when the coup goes south.

You want to know what “systemically important” means in MAGA-speak? It means “they know where the money’s buried.”

So yeah — we’re swapping dollars for pesos, buying infected steaks, and calling it strategy. Meanwhile, the farmers get silence, the workers get furloughed, and the rest of us get E. coli with a side of hypocrisy.

The Founders threw tea into a harbor over less. 

We’re throwing beef into a dumpster and thanking the guy who lit the match.