Legal Disclaimer: This is a work of satirical commentary. No actual mummies, vampires, or Republican senators were harmed in the making of this rant — though a few might finally feel something resembling shame. If you’re clutching your pearls right now, try unclenching your wallet instead. It’s the government you should fear, not the words describing it.

Ah, Halloween in America. The one night a year we pretend to be scared of fake monsters while the real ones run the fucking country.

Forget zombies. They’re too obvious — pale, brainless, hungry for flesh. We call those “Senators” now. 

Forget vampires — we’ve got oil lobbyists sucking us dry at $4.39 a gallon.

Mummies? Please. Those were just ancient billionaires with better PR.

And werewolves? Half of Congress already howls at the moon every time a woman speaks in public.

But the real horror show? That’s happening in Washington. And unlike your neighbor’s cheap animatronic ghoul, these freaks vote.

Let’s start with the shutdown that wasn’t supposed to happen — except it did, because the GOP’s idea of governing is like toddlers finger-painting with lighter fluid. We’ve got an entire party screaming about “fiscal responsibility” while they can’t even keep the fucking lights on in their own chamber. They could fix it — today! — by changing Senate rules and passing a continuing resolution with a simple majority. But no, that’d be too easy. Instead, they’d rather let air traffic controllers work for free and blame “the deep state” when your flight to Cleveland turns into a game of mid-air Jenga.

And when the country asks, “Hey, why can’t we pay the bills?” 

They point at the Democrats and shout, “They made us do it!”

Like a drunk driver blaming the tree.

Meanwhile, the Epstein files still sit under lock and key. You notice that? Every time someone asks about them, there’s a new scandal — a plane delay, a fake terror plot, or Trump discovering a new holiday where white people get to feel like martyrs. They’re keeping that list sealed tighter than Clarence Thomas’s conscience. Because if those names ever saw daylight, the whole “family values” crowd would be in group therapy for a decade — assuming they could still afford it after gutting healthcare.

Speaking of hypocrisy, let’s talk about Marjorie Taylor Fucking Greene. Oh, she’s angry now! She’s furious about the “Big Beautiful Bill” — you know, the one she voted for. Turns out, it jacked up her kids’ insurance premiums. Suddenly, it’s “unfair to hardworking families.” Yeah, Marge — welcome to the goddamn club! We’ve been screaming about that since you were still Googling “Jewish space lasers.”

Now she wants to rebrand herself as “moderate.”

Moderate! 

That’s like calling a grenade “slightly loud.” She’s not moderating — she’s auditioning.

 She wants the Senate seat the GOP told her she’s too unpopular to win. So now she’s trying to be reasonable. But it’s hard to pull off “stateswoman” when your most famous quote starts with, “Well, I heard from a Facebook meme…”

Meanwhile, Trump — excuse me, FOTUS, because apparently that’s the era we’re in now — is rewriting history again. 

He says Watergate was a hoax.

Watergate! The goddamn scandal that gave us the phrase “-gate!” Next he’ll tell us gravity’s a liberal conspiracy and Nixon was framed by the janitor. He’s already issued a proclamation turning Columbus Day into Christian Nationalism Appreciation Week. According to him, Columbus was “the original American hero,” “a man of faith,” and “the father of Western civilization.” 

Yeah, if “faith” means genocide and “civilization” means smallpox.

He’s not rewriting history — he’s photoshopping it. He’s trying to convince America that cruelty is courage and ignorance is patriotism. And half the country’s nodding along because it comes with a free flag pin.

And while all this horror unfolds, the GOP’s out there handing out Medals of Freedom like trick-or-treat candy. Rush Limbaugh got one. Charlie Kirk got one. Next up, probably the MyPillow guy, for his “service to delusion.” They turned the nation’s highest civilian honor into a fucking loyalty badge. You don’t need to serve your country — just flatter the king.

So yeah, it’s Halloween.

The decorations are fake, but the fear is real. Because the monsters aren’t in the shadows anymore — they’re behind microphones, on the ballot, and sitting on the Supreme Court pretending to read the Constitution. And the real trick? They’ve convinced millions of people that the ones trying to fix this nightmare are the real villains.

You don’t need to be scared of ghosts tonight.

Be scared of the ones who haunt the Capitol.

You don’t need to fear the undead —Fear the unaccountable.

Because the scariest thing in America right now isn’t something crawling out of the grave. 

It’s the people running the country into one.

🎃 So light your pumpkins, lock your doors, and keep your receipts — because the only thing more terrifying than Halloween night in America… is waking up the next morning and realizing the horror show never fucking ends.