⚠️ Satire Disclaimer ⚠️: This is a parody rant in the style of George Carlin. Strong language, exaggerated tone, and biting criticism ahead. It’s not a transcript, biography, or legal argument—just truth wearing a flamethrower.

So President Trump strolls into a discussion and says: “We took the freedom of speech away… when they burn the flag.” Bless his heart. That’s like a magician telling you he made your watch disappear—then asking for it back.

Let’s be clear: the Supreme Court — that’s right, the people Trump claims to revere — already ruled in Texas v. Johnson in 1989 that burning the flag is protected speech. You can’t just burn the Constitution when it offends you. But here we are, with the president saying he’s got the authority to rescind courtroom decisions like they’re parking tickets.

He claims flag burnings “agitate and irritate crowds… you end up with riots.” So now we’re living in the world of emotional liability. Can’t hurt someone’s feelings—or their patriotism—or else they lose their speech. This is Orwell with fireworks.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please refrain from thinking — it agitates the masses.”

And isn’t this exactly what the MAGAts have been whining about for years? Emotional fragility. The “snowflakes,” remember? The libs who “can’t handle the truth,” who “cry when they hear something they don’t like”?

Turns out the real snowflakes were wearing red hats the whole time.

They’ve built a movement around weaponized grievance — a 24/7 tantrum with better merch. They want “safe spaces” too, only theirs are wrapped in barbed wire and draped in the flag. They melt down over pronouns, Starbucks cups, rainbow logos, and football players kneeling — and now they want to criminalize discomfort.

They talk tough, but they’ve got the emotional resilience of a soufflé in a thunderstorm.

 “Don’t burn that flag! It hurts my feelings!” Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. You told everyone else to toughen up, remember? Free speech means free speech — even when it pisses you off, even when it singes your precious sense of nationalism. Otherwise it’s not freedom — it’s a permission slip for propaganda.

They don’t want liberty. They want a hug-box for fascists. A country where they can scream whatever they want — and you can shut the hell up. Where outrage is patriotic, but dissent is treason. Where the flag is holy, but the Constitution is optional.

That’s not America. That’s a cult with better branding.

Now, Trump refers to his August executive order to prosecute flag burnings. Because nothing says “protect the First Amendment” like issuing an order that explicitly criminalizes a form of speech the courts have already protected. That’s not “tough-on-crime.” That’s thugocracy.

They don’t say “freedom of speech except when it offends me.” They just act like that’s implicit. They twist the meaning of “protected rights” the way a toddler twists his spaghetti on a fork — until it’s unrecognizable.

Here’s the punch: when you burn the flag, they want to treat you like an insurgent. A terrorist. An unlawful combatant. Because in this new world, words or symbols aren’t ideas — they’re weapons. If you disagree with him, if you protest, if you wave a flag upside down in disgust — that’s violence. That’s chaos. That’s incitement, not expression. (Never mind the irony that name-calling and bullhorn screaming happen a lot more at his rallies.)

Oh, and the spin from the White House: “We protect the First Amendment… while prosecuting flag desecration.” That’s like saying, “I’m a pacifist — but I’ll punch you if you disagree.”

Let me tell you what I see: this is preparatory work. They’re testing the idea that the President can unilaterally revoke speech, or punish it, if it rubs him the wrong way. It’s not about flags. It’s about power. It’s about who gets to decide what’s allowed.

Flags will burn. People will say things he doesn’t like. And he’s trying to build legal scaffolding to respond with force. Because that’s how he sees law: not as restraint, but as his toy.

You know the saying: “If you don’t believe in freedom of speech for people you despise, you don’t believe in it at all.” This guy clearly only believes in it when it says “God, Gun, Trump, America!”

So here’s what’s really happening: He isn’t protecting the flag. He’s protecting his flag.

 He isn’t defending the First Amendment. He’s cultivating the right to punish dissent.

And that is what you call a soft coup.