Disclaimer: This performance may contain traces of democracy, decency, and derision. If you’re allergic to truth, fairness, or laughter at the expense of fascists, please exit the theater and report to the nearest Fox affiliate.

You ever notice how when Democrats win an election, Republicans act like somebody stole their lunch money, burned the flag, and ate the ashes in front of Mount Rushmore?

This week was no different. Democrats take New Jersey, Virginia, New York City—and what does the big orange toddler in the Oval Office do? He climbs onto Truth Social, that padded room of digital grievance, and screams:

“PASS VOTER REFORM, NO MAIL-IN BALLOTS, TERMINATE THE FILIBUSTER!!!”

Yeah, Donnie, nothing says “confidence in democracy” like calling to abolish it mid-flight on Air Force One. You weren’t even on the ballot, buddy! You just took the L by association! That’s like the coach blaming the scoreboard for being racist.

Let’s talk results—because oh, the map is bleeding blue, and it’s glorious.

Zohran Mamdani—thirty-four, first Muslim mayor of New York City, youngest in a century, democratic socialist, and possibly the only guy who could make Bernie Sanders look like a moderate. He wins by energizing a generation that’s broke, burned out, and done being told by billionaires to smile while they starve. He didn’t just win a city—he cracked open the whole damn skyline.

Mikie Sherrill and Abigail Spanberger—two women who actually read their briefings, which immediately makes them unicorns in a government where half the men think “classified” means “too long; didn’t read.”

Now let’s get the credentials straight:

Spanberger? CIA.

Sherrill? Navy helicopter pilot and former federal prosecutor.

These are not your average glass-ceiling tourists. These are women who have landed on aircraft carriers and run covert ops, and they just crash-landed democracy squarely on the GOP’s front lawn.

Sherrill’s opponent—poor Jack Ciattarelli—lost the governor’s race for the third damn time. Third! This guy’s like the “Rocky V” of New Jersey politics: nobody asked for another sequel, but he keeps showing up anyway. 

In 2021, he tried to distance himself from Trump. Didn’t work. So this time, he glued himself to FOTUS so tightly it looked like a hostage situation. He campaigned like Don Jr. clings to his coke bag: sweaty, desperate, and utterly divorced from reality.

And you know what? It didn’t help. Sherrill didn’t win by a whisper—she crushed him.

 Double-digit margin. Not a “narrow win,” not a “statistical tie.” A full-on, CNN-calls-it-before-midnight blowout.

Over in Virginia, Abigail Spanberger turned the Commonwealth into a masterclass in strategic decapitation. She flipped 119 of 124 counties that went red for Trump last year. That’s not a victory—that’s a controlled demolition. She didn’t just win; she repossessed the narrative, cleaned it up, and sold it back at auction with a note that said, “Try honesty next time.”

And her opponent? The GOP’s Lieutenant Governor, Winsome Earle-Sears, a Trump-clone running on culture wars in a state full of federal workers who just got furloughed thanks to FOTUS’s shutdown. 

Spanberger looked those voters dead in the eye and said, “I’m not here to pick fights—I’m here to fix paychecks.” And they rewarded her with a mandate so clear it could be seen from orbit.

Two women. Two leaders.

One ex-spy, one Navy pilot.

Both of them won big—not on slogans, not on fear, but on the radical premise that government should work.

And somewhere out there, FOTUS is screaming into his phone, wondering how two women he can’t insult without tanking his suburban polling just out-maneuvered his entire operation.

California’s Prop 50 passed in a landslide, handing Democrats control of redistricting. Gavin Newsom looked at Texas’s gerrymander and said, “Fine, we’ll cheat back—but with better hair and cleaner energy.” It’s not gerrymandering; it’s aesthetic boundary-redefinition.

Maine told the GOP to shove their voter-ID law where the moose don’t graze and still had time to pass a red-flag law.

Colorado taxed the rich to feed hungry kids—because someone had to remind America that you can feed both capitalism and children, not just one.

Pennsylvania kept its Supreme Court blue, Detroit elected its first female mayor, and Georgia—sweet, stunned Georgia—fired two Republicans from their utility board. The first Democratic wins there since flip phones were cool.

That’s not a wave. That’s a baptism.

Meanwhile, MAGA world spent the night doing forensic astrology: “Oh, the turnout was rigged, Mercury’s in Dominion!”

Ramaswamy, bless his startup-funded heart, admits, “We got our asses handed to us.”

 No kidding, Vivek—you couldn’t win a debate against a parking meter!

Republicans are reacting like they’re in a twelve-step program for accountability addiction. “Hi, my name’s Ted, and I haven’t accepted responsibility for anything since 1997.”

Trump’s advisors are blaming the candidates, the campaign, the moon, and probably Hunter Biden’s Wi-Fi router. Anything but the truth: people don’t like you.

And Trump—oh, Captain Capslock himself—decided that losing elections means we need fewer elections. He’s like a gambler demanding the casino shut down after he busts at blackjack. “THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN—BECAUSE IT DIDN’T LET ME WIN TWICE!”

He’s yelling “TERMINATE THE FILIBUSTER!!!” like a man who doesn’t know his party controls everything. Yeah, Donnie, by all means—make it easier for the people who beat you to pass laws.

You’re playing checkers on a chessboard, pal, and you keep eating the pieces.

And the best part? Democrats didn’t even have to cosplay revolutionaries.

They talked about money.

Not pronouns. Not statues. Not bathrooms.

Money. Affordable housing. Health care. Groceries.

Turns out voters care more about the price of eggs than your culture-war cosplay. Who knew?

Spanberger and Sherrill ran on boring, grown-up competence—exactly the thing MAGA fears most. And Mamdani? He ran on hope—dangerous, addictive hope, the kind that makes fascists itch.

So let’s take a moment to savor this. In one night, voters handed Trump a map shaped like a middle finger. They flipped the governors, fortified the courts, redrew the maps, and fed the kids. 

It’s like democracy remembered how to throw a punch.

Even the Founders’ ghosts are up there going, “Holy shit, it worked!”

Hamilton’s doing jazz hands, Franklin’s mixing a drink, and Jefferson’s trying to explain ranked choice to God.

Here’s to the people who stood in line and said, Nah, not this time.

Here’s to every poll worker who counted until the coffee ran out.

Here’s to every voter who realized democracy isn’t a spectator sport—it’s a contact sport.

Because this week, America didn’t just vote. It reminded the bullies that the ballot box is mightier than the bullhorn.

And if the wannabe autocrats don’t like it—tough ballots, baby.