Disclaimer: This is satire, not scripture. It’s profanity in the service of truth, rage with rhythm, and gallows humor wrapped in constitutional protection. Every insult, metaphor, and verbal Molotov cocktail herein is aimed squarely at public figures and public nonsense, not private citizens or unsuspecting bystanders. No one’s being threatened, summoned, or invited to riot—unless it’s a riot of laughter and overdue accountability.

The author recognizes that public figures occasionally confuse “criticism” with “defamation.” To them we say: breathe. This is commentary, parody, and protected speech under the First Amendment—that thing you keep quoting while trying to silence everyone else.

If you’re still reading, congratulations: you’ve consented to political comedy that bites, swears, and sometimes chews. If you lack a sense of humor, moral compass, or basic reading comprehension, now’s the time to exit quietly before you hurt yourself on the irony.

You ever notice how every time the government breaks something, they blame arithmetic? “See, it’s not the trillion-dollar tax cuts or the shutdown or the tariffs or the fact that we’ve got a Space Force but no functioning Congress—it’s you, America! You didn’t believe hard enough in trickle-down magic!”

Cast your memory back. January, February, March. Use that wayback machine, and remember when DOGE was running rampant through various government agencies. FOTUS and his pet Nosferatu—Steven Miller, the man who makes beige look menacing—decided to “save” Social Security by hunting imaginary zombies with pension plans.

Trump gets up there in front of Congress, does his best carnival preacher routine, and tells the country the system’s overrun by millions of dead people cashing checks. “We found 4.7 million centenarians! 3.6 million people aged 120! One guy’s 360 years old!”

A 360-year-old. On Social Security.

Yeah, that’s not fraud—that’s Biblical longevity. If Methuselah’s cashing benefits, the least you can do is let him finish retirement.

Then there’s Elon, the self-appointed “Secretary of Government Efficiency,” bragging this might be “the biggest fraud in history.” Buddy, the biggest fraud in history is you convincing people that an electric car company makes you qualified to run a bureaucracy.

So where are these ancient con artists, these pension-drawing phantoms?

Nowhere. They don’t exist.

Turns out the fraud was in the PowerPoint.

The Social Security Administration quietly admitted it: the “millions” were database errors. Translation: the numbers were wrong because some IT intern in 1998 didn’t format a field correctly.

Just like all the experts were saying at the time. You know the ones – the libtards and snowflakes covering up for the corruption in the swamp. But rather than admit that, FOTUS declared victory, added twelve million nonexistent ghosts to the Death Master File, and called it reform.

And what’s the actual result? Record numbers of real people—living, breathing, hungry, rent-paying Americans—are claiming benefits, because half the country’s been priced out of staying alive without them. That’s the scandal, not some 140-year-old pension ninja haunting the Treasury.

Meanwhile, the administration’s math skills make Enron look honest. They’re promising to “save trillions” while adding trillions through the “One Big Beautiful Bill Act”—which, by the way, sounds less like legislation and more like a midlife crisis written in crayon.

They blew open the deficit like a birthday piñata, stuffed the rich with candy, and now they’re telling the rest of us, “Sorry, Social Security’s broke. Guess you should’ve died sooner.”

Here’s the fun part: every time Trump screws the economy, he blames Democrats, “radical left math,” and dead people. He says he’ll “protect and strengthen” Social Security, right after stabbing it through the trust fund. You know who else promised to strengthen things while burning them down? Every arsonist ever.

They say the program’s unsustainable, that taxes must rise and benefits must fall.

 No kidding—it’s hard to keep the books balanced when you’re handing billionaires tax rebates big enough to buy small moons.

And the chorus chimes in: “We need fiscal responsibility!” from the same crew that turned the Treasury into a casino for corporate welfare. 

“Cut spending!” they yell, right before voting themselves another defense contract to buy tanks for Kansas.

This isn’t fiscal policy. It’s cosplay capitalism. It’s a bunch of rich pyromaniacs telling the rest of us to bring marshmallows.

So next time they say “we found millions of fake Social Security recipients,” remember—they didn’t find fraud. They invented it to distract you while they pick your pocket. They took your future, wrapped it in a red hat, and sold it as patriotism.

The markets don’t care about feelings?

Good—because the only thing they’re feeling now is nausea watching a government this stupid still try to balance its books on the backs of the poor.

And when the checks stop, when the safety net frays, when the retirees start rationing medication and ramen, remember: it wasn’t the dead who robbed the living. 

It was the living dead—orange-tinted, power-addled, and allergic to truth—who did it with a smile.