⚠️ Professional Outrage Ahead ⚠️ This performance contains explicit language, political indecency, and financial heresy. Side effects may include eye-rolling, sudden comprehension, and the uncontrollable urge to throw a shoe at the television. Viewer discretion—and a stiff drink—are advised.

You remember this guy, right? The walking orange grievance parade who’s spent years screaming that Biden was buying votes. “Handing out freebies to the lazy!” “Bribing the woke!” “Socialism for slackers!”

Yeah. That guy.

Well, funny thing happens when the voters stop showing up for you—suddenly you start handing out the goodie bags. Because this week, after getting his party’s ass kicked from coast to coast, FOTUS decided to play Santa Claus for the working class.

“Bad, bad insurance companies!” he bellows. “We’re cutting them out and sending the cash straight to YOU!” And while he’s at it, “$2,000 tariff rebate checks for every real American!”

Oh, real Americans? You mean the ones who can’t afford insulin because you froze SNAP and gutted the ACA? Those real Americans?

He’s out here pretending to be Robin Hood with dementia—stealing from the safety net to “give” you money that doesn’t exist. 

This isn’t populism; it’s a magic trick with your mortgage.

He says he’s “ending the middleman” by killing the premium tax credits. You know, the thing that keeps healthcare barely affordable for millions?

Gone. Poof. Vanished into the ether, replaced with “direct payments.”

Translation: “I took away your coverage, but here’s a gift card for half a checkup and a pat on the head.”

He’s selling you snake oil in a red, white, and blue bottle, and half the country’s lining up for refills.

And then there’s the $2,000 “tariff rebate.”

Oh, that’s rich. Let me explain how tariffs work, in case you skipped Economics for Dummies and Dictators. A tariff is a tax. Paid by you. Not China. Not aliens. Not George Soros.

You. Every time you buy something that says “Made in Anywhere But Here,” you’re footing that bill.

Even FOTUS’s lawyers admitted to the SCOTUS that 30-80% of the tariff revenue is being paid by American citizens. The rest is being absorbed by shippers and companies who don’t pass it on, a tiny minority.

So FOTUS is bragging about refunding money that you paid—because of his own stupid tariffs. It’s like setting your house on fire, then demanding a medal for handing you the ashes.

And here’s the best part: there’s no law, no budget, and no functioning Congress to pass this fever dream.

The House hasn’t done a damn thing since September, and at this rate won’t again until January—if we’re lucky. But sure, Donnie, tell us more about the checks in the mail.

He’s bribing America with Monopoly money.

He’s trying to buy loyalty the way he buys silence—from his ex-lawyers, his ex-wives, and anyone else who’s seen what really goes on behind the curtain.

You want to know what this is?

It’s panic dressed up as generosity. He doesn’t persuade people; he pays them. When the crowd stops cheering, he throws them a tip.

He’s turning the U.S. Treasury into his personal campaign wallet, handing out IOUs in exchange for applause. And the worst part? He actually thinks it’ll work.

This isn’t leadership. This isn’t populism. This is a garage sale for democracy—and he’s selling the country one fake check at a time.

So no, Donnie, you’re not putting America first.

You’re pawning it for spare change. And congratulations, buddy—turns out, even your bribes are bouncing.