Disclaimer: This is political satire, loaded with profanity, rage, and disrespect for bullshit. If you’re looking for balance, go watch cable news pretend both sides are equally nuts. Here we name names.

Texas tried to rig the game so hard the refs finally blew the whistle.

Again.

Let’s walk through this flaming clown car nice and slow.

FOTUS and Greg Abbott cooked up a little scheme: “Hey, what if we redraw Texas in the middle of the decade and grab ourselves FIVE more House seats? We’ll call it… election integrity! Or the Big Beautiful Map! Or Freedom Cartography! Who cares, the base’ll eat it.”

So the Texas GOP rams through a brand-new congressional map in August — not after a census, not because of population changes — but because Donnie wanted more seats before 2026. Straight-up, mid-decade, power-grab gerrymander. They weren’t even coy about it. This wasn’t subtle; this was spray-painting “REPUBLICANS ONLY” across the state and calling it democracy.

And then a three-judge panel in El Paso takes a look and goes: Yeah, no.

Not “creative districting.” Not “partisan tilt.”

Racial gerrymander. Illegal. Throw it out.

The opinion isn’t coming from some Berkeley law professor in a Che Guevara T-shirt.

 The lead judge is Jeffrey Brown.

A Trump appointee.

That’s how bad this was: Even Trump’s own judge looked at the map and basically wrote, “You racist idiots overreached.”

They tried to slice and dice Black and Hispanic voters into bare-majority districts like they were doing math homework on human beings:

– Take Al Green’s district, hack it to pieces so fewer Black voters.

– Take Sylvia Garcia’s district, scramble Latino voters so she’s suddenly underwater.

– Turn a coalition district into a white-leaning Trump district by surgically removing Latino neighborhoods like they were a tumor.

All so FOTUS could brag about “gaining five big, beautiful seats” and pretend it’s the will of the people instead of the will of his pollsters.

And when Democrats said, “This is racist, this is illegal, this is straight-up VRA violation,” what did the GOP say?

“NO NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THIS IS ABOUT HISPANIC REPRESENTATION. WE CARE ABOUT HISPANIC VOTERS. WE MADE SOME MAJORITY-HISPANIC DISTRICTS. WE’RE CIVIL RIGHTS HEROES NOW.”

The court: Cool story. Still racist.

The judges looked at their “bare majority” districts — 50.3% here, 50.5% there — and said, “Yeah, funny how every line you draw just happens to give Republicans more power while Black and Hispanic voters get shuffled like a bad deck of cards.”

And now? Now the whole thing gets tossed.

Suddenly, the mood flips.

In August, Republican candidates were drooling. Filing, fundraising, measuring the drapes in their brand-new stolen districts. The Trump–Abbott–Paxton trifecta was strutting around like they’d already installed the new majority in Congress.

Now?

Those same candidates are out there going, “We are running full steam ahead under the Big Beautiful Map, the courts will not thwart the will of Texas voters!”

Buddy, the “will of Texas voters” is exactly what the court found you violated.

Meanwhile, Democrats are having the time of their lives.

People who announced retirement? Un-retiring.

Members who were about to be forced into Hunger Games primaries against their own colleagues? Breathing again.

Jasmine Crockett is on video like, “Old Don’s gonna be BIG MAD,” grinning like Christmas came early. Lloyd Doggett is basically doing a Mark Twain impression: reports of my political death have been greatly exaggerated. Greg Casar, Sylvia Garcia, Al Green, Henry Cuellar, Vicente Gonzalez — all suddenly standing on much firmer ground because the court said, “Nah, you can’t nuke their districts that blatantly.”

What’s Paxton doing?

Same thing he always does: Screaming to SCOTUS.

He’s on social media whining about partisan gerrymanders in blue states while his own map gets torched for racial ones. He’s banking on the Supreme Court to bail him out, because that’s the new GOP model: break the law, dare the courts, pray the six robed partisans in D.C. save your ass at the last second.

And here’s the part that really fries their circuits: This isn’t just a political loss. This is an embarrassment.

They tried to rig Texas so hard it backfired.

They tried to weaponize race for partisan gain and got nailed for the race part.

They tried to shove Black and Hispanic communities into minimum-safe-dose districts that technically “comply” but practically silence them — and a Trump-appointed judge said, on paper, nope, too obvious, too ugly, too illegal.

This after months of FOTUS and his circus howling about how Democrats are “destroying democracy” by… checks notes… letting people vote and drawing their own maps in California.

He pushed Texas to redraw the map for partisan advantage.

California responded with its own partisan counter.

DOJ went after California, not Texas.

And now Texas gets slapped anyway — not by Merrick Garland, not by Newsom, but by a federal court saying, “You went too far, you broke the law, try again.”

That’s not the deep state.

That’s not liberal elites.

That’s your own judge telling you you’re racist and sloppy.

And here’s the bigger picture: They keep trying this. Over and over. In Texas, in Alabama, in North Carolina, in Ohio, in whoever’s next.

They cannot win clean. They do not trust voters.

So they carve, and hack, and slice lines around communities of color like they’re cutting out coupons.

And sometimes it works. Sometimes they get away with it.

But sometimes — like this week — the scam is so loud, so brazen, so cartoonishly racist that even a judiciary packed with their own people has to say: “Yeah. No. Too much. Do better, fascists.”

So now the Big Beautiful Map is a Big Beautiful Trash Fire. Republican candidates are left campaigning in districts that may not exist by the time ballots print. Democrats have new life.

And FOTUS?

He’s going to be stomping around Mar-a-Lago, yelling about “rigged courts” and “unfair judges” and “disloyal appointees,” wondering why the hell his own guy in Texas didn’t bend reality hard enough.

Here’s why, Donnie: Sometimes the lie is so obvious the system actually works. 

Not often. Not consistently.

But every now and then, the grift is so big, so racist, so naked, even your pet judges have to hit the brakes.

And if that makes you big mad?

Good.

Because democracy won one this week.

Not by much. Not forever. Not securely.

But it won.

And you hate that more than anything.