(Live from Planet Earth — where democracy’s on fire and the arsonist is holding the hose.)

Legal Disclaimer: This is satire, comedy, and unlicensed civics. If you think the Constitution is a menu, or that “early voting” means showing up drunk the night before, you’re in the right place. If you believe Jesus personally wrote the Electoral College into the Bible, please go wait in line at the DMV — forever. 

For everyone else: buckle up. Because this election season, the biggest threat to democracy isn’t voter fraud. It’s voter fraudulence.

You ever notice the people who scream the loudest about election fraud are the same assholes who keep trying to commit it?

The guy yelling “Stop the steal!” has his hand in the ballot box like a raccoon at a picnic.

 And now — now we’ve got the big one himself: the President, His Fraudulency, the Fraudfather, Commander-in-Cheat — out here declaring no mail-in ballots, no early voting.

Yeah. The same guy who’s voted early and by mail.

Repeatedly.

He’s against it now. Because nothing says “integrity” like outlawing the exact way you voted last time. It’s like the guy who eats the entire cake and then bans frosting for everyone else.

He says it’s to stop “rigged elections.”

Buddy, you are the rigged election! We’re four years deep into reruns of the same bad TV show: “Election Fraud 2: This Time It’s Personal.” Every season it’s the same plot — “they stole it, the deep state, the mailman, the Girl Scouts.” The only thing missing is the laugh track.

And now he’s out here “banning” early and mail voting. Which, fun fact, he legally can’t do.

You can’t “ban” state-controlled elections from the Oval Office. The Constitution says states run elections — not the loudest guy on Truth Social with a persecution complex and a coupon for fascism. 

But hey, reading the Constitution would mean admitting it exists. And these people treat the Constitution like the iTunes terms of service for wannabe dictators — they just scroll to the end and click “I Agree.”

And the Department of Justice? Oh, they’re sending “monitors” to California.

Yeah. Because nothing says “free and fair” like a bunch of armed hall monitors standing around asking, “Who’d you vote for?”

They call it “election integrity.” I call it foreplay for fascism.

You don’t “monitor” elections you already poisoned. That’s like an arsonist volunteering to install smoke detectors.

Now he’s ranting about California ballots being “shipped.” Millions of them.

Yeah, genius — that’s how voting works. They’re mailed. It’s in the name! He hears “ballots shipped” and pictures George Soros hiding in a UPS truck. 

You’d think a guy who’s made a career out of shipping fraud would understand logistics.

But that’s the point, isn’t it?

This isn’t about stopping fraud. It’s about choosing voters.

You can’t gerrymander time, you can’t redraw a clock, so they’re trying to outlaw the hours when people who don’t like them vote. They don’t want fewer votes — they want different votes.

Preferably the kind cast by people who think Bluetooth is witchcraft and libraries are communist training camps.

They want “voter ID”? Fine. Let’s start with his.

Fake university. Fake charity. Fake tan.

That’s three strikes and an orange flag on the play. He’s been impeached twice, indicted four times, and convicted by reality every goddamn morning — and somehow he’s the integrity guy?

That’s like putting a raccoon in charge of food safety because it once washed something.

They keep saying, “We’re just protecting democracy!”

No, you’re beta-testing dictatorship. You’re running a loyalty program for autocracy. Every rally, every rant, every “witch hunt” is the same sales pitch: “Sign up today and get a free red hat and a lifetime of delusion!”

It’s not democracy anymore — it’s a customer rewards program for people who think freedom expires when other people use it.

He says, “No mail-in, no early voting.”

Of course he does. Because the later and harder it is to vote, the better it is for him. That’s not election reform — that’s voter suppression by calendar management.

So yeah, here’s the headline, folks: The election’s already rigged — by the guy screaming it’s rigged.

Law is for enemies, waivers are for friends, and “integrity” is a discount code for bullshit. They don’t want you to vote early, or late, or by mail — they don’t want you to vote at all. Because if you did, the con would end faster than a Trump casino.

And the punchline? They want us to pretend he’s defending democracy. 

He’s not. He’s defending the brand and protecting himself from prosecution, shame, and bankruptcy. America’s not a country anymore — it’s a franchise under hostile management.

So when he says “No mail-in, no early voting,” what he really means is: “No democracy — just me.” 

And if that doesn’t piss you off, congratulations — you’re already in the rewards program.