SATIRICAL DISCLAIMER: Warning: The following performance contains strong language, political profanity, and jokes sharp enough to cut through legal stationery. This is satire — not journalism, not legal advice, not a subpoena magnet. All characters and public figures are skewered in the name of comedy, catharsis, and the First Amendment. If you find yourself offended, consult your doctor to see if a sense of humor is right for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round for today’s episode of “Congressional Grifters Leaving the Scene of the Crime… But Not Before Stopping at the ATM.”

Because Marjorie Taylor Greene — yes, that one, the CrossFit Cassandra of Screaming Bullshit — has announced she is resigning from Congress.

And oh, the drama.

The theatrics.

The FOUR-PAGE resignation letter dripping with enough self-pity to fill a saltwater tank at SeaWorld.

She tells us she’s leaving because it’s… unsafe. She’s worried about her family. She’s devastated. She’s heartbroken. She’s become — and I quote — “a battered wife of Washington politics.”

But here’s the part she forgot to include: “P.S. I’m staying long enough to vest in my Congressional pension.”

Because — let’s say it together —IT’S ALL A GODDAMN GRIFT.

“I’m resigning! …in six weeks.”

When normal people fear for their families? They quit TODAY. They walk out, hand in badge, pack the desk, tell Karen in HR to choke on a binder, and GO.

But not Marjorie!

“Oh no, I’m sooo unsafe…as of January 5th.”

Why January 5th?

Because that is five years and two days from her swearing-in. Which means she qualifies for…the pension!

And what a pension! Not rolling-in-caviar money — oh no. Just a cute little $8,700 a year at age 62.

Barely enough to cover her supplement stack at GNC, but still — Marjorie LOVES free government money. Almost as much as she loves yelling the word “communist” at anything that moves.

“I’m doing this for the people!”

RIGHT.

Sure.

Totally.

Except the people she’s supposedly fighting for don’t have:

• a multimillion-dollar portfolio,
• a congressional health plan,
• a book deal pipeline,
• a right-wing media circuit waiting with a fresh bowl of cash,
• or the luxury of timing their resignation for maximum payout.

Real people quit when shit gets bad.

 Rich politicians quit when the pension matures.

And Marjorie? She’s worth $25 million and counting. 

Some of that earned the old-fashioned way — working. Some of that earned the Congressional way — insider trading that somehow never gets proven because everyone in the building is doing it.

The Four-Page Love Letter to Herself

Her resignation letter is a masterpiece of melodrama.

She positions herself like Joan of Arc with a Wi-Fi connection. “I fought! I bled! I screamed on Facebook Live!”

She says Washington hates her. Newsflash: Washington hates everyone. The difference is most people don’t make it their personality.

But she didn’t walk away. Nope.

She clung to that job like it was a CrossFit rope climb, panting and screaming and refusing to let go until she hit that sweet five-year vesting period.

George would’ve said: “When your resignation letter has a vesting date, you’re not leaving Congress — you’re clocking out for lunch.”

The MAGA Base Should Be Furious… But They Won’t Be

Here’s the real kicker. She’s not only grifting the country. She’s grifting her own supporters.

She’s leaving them with:

• no representation,
• no fighter,
• no champion,
• nothing but a tear-soaked manifesto and a TikTok video.

But she still gets:

• her pension,
• her fame,
• her money,
• her platform,
• and her future political ambitions neatly preserved.

Because she’s not done. Not by a long shot.

Oh no — Marjorie Taylor Greene is going to reinvent herself as “the voice of the betrayed American.” She’s gearing up for:

• a Senate run,
• or a gubernatorial run,
• or a national grift tour,
• or maybe a reality show where she screams at appliances.

Whatever it is, she wants the next act.

And she wants the pension.

Closing: The Grifter’s Gospel

So let’s sum it up: Marjorie isn’t quitting because she’s noble. She’s quitting because she’s done profiting from this particular grift and ready to move on to the next one.

This wasn’t an act of courage. It was an act of accounting.

George Carlin said it best: “It’s all bullshit, folks. And it’s bad for ya.”

In Congress? The bullshit is policy. The grift is tradition. And the only red line they won’t cross is the one under their own income column.

Marjorie leaves with everything. The people she supposedly loves leave with a vacancy sign and a shrug.

Welcome to American politics. Where even the exits are monetized.