Disclaimer: ⚠️ CONTENT WARNING: FINANCIAL PROFANITY AHEAD. ⚠️

 Contains graphic descriptions of late-stage capitalism, math-induced despair, and language unsuitable for mortgage bankers, hedge fund managers, or anyone who thinks “equity” is a synonym for “fairness.” If you’re still clinging to the fantasy that a 50-year mortgage makes homeownership “accessible,” pour yourself something strong. You’re about to find out what “eternal debt” really means.

You ever notice how every time the rich break something, they come up with a new way to sell us the pieces?

Now it’s the 50-year mortgage — the latest miracle cure for a disease they created. “We’re fixing the housing crisis!” FOTUS bellows, surrounded by grinning bankers and contractors with Super PAC loyalty cards.

Fifty years. Half a goddamn century. That’s not a mortgage; that’s a hostage negotiation with interest.

They’re calling it “affordable,” because it knocks a couple hundred bucks off your monthly payment. Wow. A whole $200! You can buy half a tank of gas and maybe a rotisserie chicken. All you have to do in exchange is double the time you owe your soul to the bank.

They didn’t lower the price of homes — they raised the price of life.

Here’s the trick: stretch the loan, shrink the payment, inflate the asset. Developers get to charge more, banks get fifty years of interest, and Wall Street gets a steady stream of debt to package into securities that’ll outlive your grandkids. And the politicians? They get to act like they solved something without spending a dime or touching the wage gap.

But wait — there’s a sequel. It’s called The Student Loan Shuffle.

Remember when you were told college was the ticket to a better life? Yeah, turns out it’s a ticket to a 25- to 30-year sentence, courtesy of FOTUS and his student loan “reforms.” He killed off forgiveness programs and stretched repayment plans until retirement age.

But let’s hold that in the sidelines for now. Don’t worry, it’ll come back soon enough.

Now you’re a college graduate, and we’ll say that you’re talented and lucky enough to land a job in your field with some upward mobility. Unfortunately for you, entry-level positions still pay just enough so you can starve slowly, so you grab that gig as a dash driver and manage to stay above water. 

Gradually, you climb the ladder. You start making money, enough so you can drop the gig and only work the insane overtime hours. Whoops, sorry, you’re taxed on that now; the credits expired. So sad!

Now you move into salaried territory, get that bump in pay, but lose the OT. No problem, who needs sleep when you have espresso? Meanwhile, you’ve been doggedly paying those student loans and finally, finally, can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Too bad it’s an oncoming train.

Seriously, you’re at least thirty before you can even think about buying a home, with your loans paid down to the point that they don’t hurt you. Add a 50-year mortgage, and congratulations: you’ll make your last payment right before they wheel you into hospice.

Life expectancy’s 79.4 years, by the way. You won’t live long enough to own your home. The bank will. You’re basically paying rent to your future ghost.

And let’s talk health care. Because while you’re signing your name to a half-century of debt, the same clowns are slashing coverage and premiums are skyrocketing. We’re building a country of people too broke to live and too in debt to die. You can’t afford a doctor, but hey — at least you’ve got a 2.9% fixed APR on your way to the grave.

Who benefits? Everyone except you.

• The banks, swimming in fifty years of interest.
• The developers, selling homes for record prices.
• Wall Street, turning your debt into a commodity.
• And the politicians, pretending to care while cashing donor checks.

You? You’re the collateral. The mark. The guy holding the bill when the lights go out.

This isn’t a housing policy. It’s a mortality schedule.

It’s generational indenture with a backyard and a granite countertop.

It’s the American Dream — brought to you by the same people who repossessed it in the first place. Remember what George always said: You know why they call it the American Dream? Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

So yeah. They say it’s “fifty years to freedom.” But the math doesn’t lie: you’ll die first.

Because in modern America, you don’t buy a house.

You finance your afterlife.