Disclaimer: This is satire. If it sounds like the truth, it’s because the truth got mugged, stripped naked, and duct-taped to the front of the Capitol.

You think the GOP stumbled into this shutdown? Wrong. They wanted it. They’re rubbing their little grubby hands together going, “Perfect—lights are off, cameras are off, the referees are out cold, let’s loot the joint.”

Because here’s the deal: a shutdown isn’t gridlock, it’s cover. With no oversight, no staffers, no watchdogs, they can run the government like a pawn shop after a hurricane. Suddenly, $18 billion in New York infrastructure? Oops, sorry, we’ve gotta “review those contracts” for DEI violations. Translation: Trump doesn’t like your politics, so get in the back of the line. Doesn’t matter that it’s already funded, doesn’t matter that his “execrative order” (yes, execrative) can’t make diversity illegal. There’s no one around to stop him. It’s “Oops, my bad—guess you’ll have to wait while we weaponize red tape.”

And OMB? They’re not managing the budget, they’re kneecapping blue states. $8 billion gone overnight because it “fuels the Left’s climate agenda.” California, Colorado, Massachusetts—congratulations, you’re on the naughty list. Santa Trump doesn’t do presents, he does punishment.

Then there’s the federal workforce. Furloughed workers being told, “Don’t bother coming back, we’ll fire you anyway.” Because what better time to gut the civil service than when the lights are out and everybody’s too distracted trying to keep their rent paid? They’re using the shutdown as a hiring freeze and a firing spree, all at once.

Meanwhile, what still gets funded? Oh, you’ll love this—Trump’s pet projects. The $20 billion bailout of Argentina—because it helps a Trump crony hedge fund manager and his pal Javier “Chainsaw” Milei. And construction on Trump’s brand-new ballroom in the East Wing. That’s right: your government may be shut down, but Donnie’s Dance Hall is still on schedule. Bread lines and no paychecks, but hey—there’ll be marble floors where the East Wing used to be.

This isn’t a budget fight, it’s a stickup. It’s using chaos as camouflage. They’re not embarrassed by it, they’re not ashamed by it—they’re proud of it. They’re counting on you being too broke, too tired, and too busy trying to survive the mess to notice.

And here’s the kicker: they’re selling it to you as “responsibility.” Fiscal discipline. Tightening belts. Yeah, your belt—while they’re ripping the wallet out of your back pocket.