Disclaimer: This ain’t economics, it’s George Carlin with a migraine. If you were hoping for balanced trade analysis, go call the World Bank. If you want a profanity-laced autopsy of a clown stapling tariffs to everything that moves, stay seated.

First up, pharmaceuticals. FOTUS decides: 100% tariffs on imported brand-name drugs, unless Big Pharma is already building a factory here. Not producing here—just shoveling dirt counts! “Break ground and you’re golden.” This isn’t policy, this is a real estate scam disguised as healthcare.

You know what happens when you double the price of imported medicine? People die. But hey, maybe Pfizer can put up a pop-up tent in Kansas and call it a “facility.” That’s the level of genius we’re working with here.

And the kicker? Trade agreements probably don’t even let him do this. Germany’s already rolling its eyes and saying, “Sorry Donnie, 15% cap, that’s the deal.” But FOTUS doesn’t care. He doesn’t read deals, he signs them with a Sharpie and then wipes his ass with the copy.

Then there’s movies. A 100% tariff on “foreign-made films.” What the fuck does that even mean? Half of Hollywood blockbusters are filmed in Canada or New Zealand. Lord of the Rings? Tariffed. Game of Thrones? Double the dragons. Hell, Marvel shoots half its movies in Georgia—what happens if the wrong zip code gets flagged? Is Spider-Man suddenly foreign if he swings through Toronto?

And guess what: movies aren’t even “goods” anymore. They’re streams, downloads, licenses, services. How the fuck do you tariff Netflix pixels? Is Customs gonna stand at the Wi-Fi router with a clipboard?

And retaliation? Oh, you bet your ass. Other countries can slam tariffs on American movies. And Hollywood is one of the biggest U.S. exports. You think Disney’s gonna take kindly to having Frozen 3 taxed out of German theaters?

This isn’t economic strategy. This is a toddler with a hammer screaming, “Everything’s a nail!” Medicine? Nail it. Movies? Nail it. Trucks, cabinets, kitchen sinks? Nail it all! Tariff everything until America is a closed-off casino where the house always loses.

This isn’t America First. This is America Screwed.