Disclaimer: This rant is satire. George Carlin’s ghost is not running for office, the DOJ cannot subpoena punchlines, and no actual ballots were harmed in the making of this performance.

You know what I love? When the government tells you it’s about integrity.

 “Integrity” means they’re about to jam their hand up your ass and rummage around for your wallet.

The DOJ—now run by Pam Bondi, who couldn’t find the First Amendment with a flashlight and a Sherpa—is suing states to hand over their entire voter rolls. Driver’s license numbers. Partial Social Security numbers. Addresses. All so they can “check for fraud.”

Fraud! Jesus Christ, fraud! These people act like Americans are sneaking around voting six times a week like it’s Taco Tuesday. The truth? Louisiana just went through DECADES of voting records and found—ready?—a couple dozen cases. Out of millions. Millions! Statistically speaking, you’re more likely to get struck by lightning while being eaten alive by a shark and a bear at the same time.

But the fraud story sells. It’s red meat for the base. “Illegals voting! Dead people voting! Non-citizens voting!” Yeah, right. Your grandma shows up at the polls twice and suddenly it’s a national emergency.

Here’s what’s really going on: purges. They want to purge the rolls. If there’s a Doug Jones in Georgia and a Doug Jones in Ohio, poof, both get wiped out. Congratulations, you’ve been deleted. Your crime? Having a common fucking name. Welcome to America, where you can’t vote if you sound too much like somebody else. Unless your name is Koch. Or Trump. Then you can vote with your checkbook.

And let’s not forget intimidation. You think the DOJ’s keeping all that juicy personal data locked up tight? Hell no. These are the same clowns who treat your Social Security number like a raffle ticket at a gun show. Sooner or later, that data drips down to the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, or some other “concerned citizens group,” and suddenly people start getting mysterious phone calls. “Hey, Maria, nice address you got there. Be a shame if someone knew how you voted.”

And if you’re a naturalized citizen—God help you. You do everything right. Study the questions, take the oath, wave the flag. And then? “Sorry, Paco, we found a Pablo with the same last name in Nevada. Must be fraud. Pack your bags, amigo.” You’re deported for the crime of believing America meant what it said about freedom.

This isn’t about fraud. It’s about fear.

 Fear is the product. Fear is the strategy. They want election officials scared of lawsuits. Activists scared of speaking. Voters scared of being “investigated.”

And the endgame? The same as always: fewer people voting. Especially the ones who don’t vote Republican. Especially the ones with brown skin, funny names, or no yacht.

They call it “cleaning the rolls.”

 I call it what it is: a fucking mob hit on democracy. They don’t want integrity; they want impunity. They don’t want voters; they want obedience.

So the next time some red-tie ghoul tells you it’s about election fraud, remember this:

 In America, your vote counts—unless it doesn’t. And guess who decides? Spoiler alert: it ain’t you.