Disclaimer

This is satire. Nobody’s accusing the president of knowing football — hell, he still thinks a safety is something you hide your money in.

You ever notice how George Carlin said football isn’t a game, it’s a war? “Marching troops into enemy territory, aerial assaults, sustained ground attacks.” Meanwhile baseball’s about going home. Home! Safe. Football is helmets and blitzes and destruction. Baseball is chewing gum and spitting sunflower seeds. Carlin nailed it: one’s pastoral, one’s gladiatorial.

And that’s what sports are, folks — bread and circuses. Distractions. Gladiators for the masses while the emperors sneak off with the treasury. The Romans had lions, we’ve got linebackers. And here’s Donnie Distraction, screaming on Truth Social that the NFL’s new kickoff rule makes it “sissy football.”

Sissy football! He’s mad because they lined guys up differently and cut concussions by almost half. Returns are up too — in 2023, only about one in five kicks got run back; in Week 1 this year, three-quarters of them did. The game’s better and safer. But Donnie doesn’t care. He needs a circus. He needs you foaming about kickoffs instead of foaming about democracy.

Because while he’s whining about patriots and “sissy” football, a federal court just nailed his administration for violating the goddamn Posse Comitatus Act. That law says you can’t use the Army or National Guard as your personal police force. And what was FOTUS doing? Deploying them in American cities to set up perimeters, blockade streets, direct traffic — soldier-cops. That’s not football, that’s fascism. And a judge called bullshit.

But did Donnie go on Truth Social to rage about that? No. Because he knows Americans love football more than the Constitution. He knows you’ll get angrier about a kickoff than about troops patrolling your block. He’s counting on it.

That’s the trick, folks. Bread and circuses, cheerleaders and culture wars. Keep you screaming about “sissy football” so you don’t notice your rights getting tackled behind the line of scrimmage. And if we keep letting him call the plays, we’re not just losing the game — we’re losing the whole goddamn stadium.