Disclaimer: This is George Carlin with the gloves off. No polite science lecture, no fair-and-balanced horseshit. If you want soft voices, turn on Sesame Street. If you want blood, you’re in the right place.

So now Tylenol “causes autism.” That’s the line. No proof, no causation, just correlation wrapped in political horseshit. The best studies—the good ones, the sibling-control ones—show no link. But who needs science when you’ve got fear?

And here’s the genius move: FOTUS knows people still remember the Tylenol murders in the 1980s. Cyanide in the capsules. Panic across America. Whole brand tainted overnight. He’s banking on that buried memory—“Tylenol equals danger”—to make his new autism boogeyman stick. Doesn’t matter that it’s apples and oranges. In the MAGA brain, bad headline plus scary drug equals “truth.”

Now, the “cure.” Folinic acid. Real thing. Used in cancer treatment, used in certain rare folate deficiencies. A small subset of autistic kids with a specific antibody problem—cerebral folate deficiency—can see improvements in speech and adaptive behavior if they get it. That’s real, that’s science. But it’s not a cure. Not for everyone, not even close. It’s an ameliorative therapy for a fraction of patients.

But why tell the truth when you can sell snake oil? Here’s where Dr. Oz slithers in. Mr. Miracle Supplement himself. Folinic acid is now hot news, and iHerb—his old stomping ground—sells it over the counter as a “supplement.” All you need is a slick new ad campaign: “Purer! Stronger! Why deal with doctors, why beg for prescriptions, when you can get your miracle right here, two-day shipping!”

Will the FDA stop them? The FTC? Ha! These agencies aren’t watchdogs anymore, they’re lapdogs. Every regulator’s been replaced by a MAGA rubber stamp. Yes, FOTUS! Stamp it, approve it, don’t ask questions. Autism cure in a bottle, get yours today.

And then, the cherry on this rancid sundae: Trump gets to make an example of Kenvue, the company behind Tylenol. They’re not on his team. They’re not fighting him, but they’re not clapping either. They’re trying to keep their heads down and survive. But in Trumpistan, neutrality is treason. So he drags them through the mud, tanks their stock, and sends a message to every other corporation: “See what I can do if you don’t play ball? See how fast I can turn your brand toxic? Now, about those donations…”

This isn’t medicine. This isn’t policy. This is a mafia shakedown with a presidential seal on it. Scare the public, pump the cure, silence the regulators, and squeeze the companies until they cough up tribute.

And people still wonder if Tylenol causes autism? No. But I’ll tell you what does cause brain damage: living in a country run like this.