Disclaimer: The following is satire. It’s angry, it’s profane, it’s George Carlin–style social commentary. If you confuse it with scripture, that’s on you, not me.

So Donnie waddles into the Museum of the Bible—because of course he does—and announces his Department of Uneducated is gonna “protect prayer in schools.” Total protection, he says. Total. Like God’s rolling out the red carpet and the Secret Service is handing out rosaries at the door.

Let’s cut the bullshit: this isn’t about freedom. It’s about feeding his base the juiciest slab of culture-war red meat. “Look, I’m bringing prayer back to schools!” Except it’s not prayer, it’s Christian prayer. MAGA-approved. Jesus-in-a-truck-stop prayer. The kind where God’s main job is to smite gays, keep women pregnant, and lower gas prices.

And don’t kid yourself—it won’t apply to anyone else. You think a Muslim kid rolling out a prayer rug in the hallway is gonna get “total protection”? Hell no. That kid’ll get ICE called on his parents before the rug hits the floor. Hindu student lights a little lamp? Fire hazard. Jewish kid puts on tefillin? Suspended for gang symbols. Religious freedom, my ass. This is a one-religion coupon book, and it expires the second your God looks different from theirs.

And you know what else it ties into? Those Ten Commandments laws. Every red-state Jesus salesman wants a granite tablet in every classroom, right above the busted clock and the asbestos ceiling tiles. Courts keep slapping them down—unconstitutional!—but the MAGA machine doesn’t care. Because the fight is the point. They don’t want to win in court, they want the picture of Little Johnny bowing his head while a teacher reads, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” right before Coach Johnson runs off to bang the PTA president in the parking lot.

And what’s the end game? Oh, it’s simple: control. Start with prayer in schools, then prayer at city councils, then laws “based on biblical values,” until the separation of church and state is as extinct as Republicans with integrity. You’ll have government picking winners in the religion game, and spoiler alert: if your God doesn’t look like a white guy with blue eyes holding an AR-15, you’re a loser.

Meanwhile, your bridges are collapsing, your water’s poisoned, your kids can’t afford insulin—but hey! At least you can say the Lord’s Prayer over soggy cafeteria pizza.

This isn’t faith. This isn’t morality. This is politics with a crucifix stapled on. And the people cheering it on are too busy clutching their pearls to notice the real commandments being broken: Thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness. Three strikes. FOTUS is out.