DISCLAIMER

Tonight’s rant is brought to you by the fine people at “Holy Shit, This Is Corruption,” the network that never sleeps, never blinks, and never stops counting the ways your democracy is being pawned off like a busted lawnmower at a yard sale.

So here’s the scam: TikTok. Biggest youth platform on the planet. The one app where teenagers and twenty-somethings actually learn things their civics teachers can’t tell them because some dipshit school board banned the textbook. Dangerous stuff if you’re running an authoritarian clown show, right? So what do you do? You outlaw it, you bluster, you waggle your tiny little fingers—and then you quietly extend the divestiture deadline. Twice. ILLEGALLY. The law says you can do it once. But who’s gonna stop you? Congress? Please. They’re too busy polishing your golf shoes with their tongues.

And while you’re buying time, you make sure your buddy Larry Ellison—the billionaire samurai-wannabe who thinks “diversity” is what happens when his yacht crew has one guy from Rhode Island—steps in with Oracle cash. Boom. TikTok is “saved.” For America! For freedom! For Larry’s goddamn stock portfolio.

And as a bonus, Paramount caves. Why? Because Ellison’s kid wants the merger, Daddy needs the White House to play nice, and guess who’s holding the pen? Suddenly Paramount’s your bitch, Skydance gets the keys to the kingdom, and Larry Ellison becomes America’s newest media overlord—social media, legacy media, news media. All roads lead through Oracle. All favors trace back to Trump.

But wait—there’s more. While Larry is buying eyeballs, Trump is cashing chips. Literal chips. Remember Qatar? Trump’s envoy cuts a sweetheart crypto deal with Sheikh Tahnoon, the guy who controls $1.5 trillion in sovereign wealth. In exchange, Trump funnels scarce U.S. semiconductors—chips we don’t even have enough of for our own factories—to the Sheikh’s pet project. National security be damned. Got to keep the crypto casino stocked, especially when it’s your family running the goddamn casino.

And don’t forget the GENIUS Act. Oh, it’s genius all right. It gives a stamp of legitimacy to stablecoins—one of which, surprise surprise, Trump’s family sells by the billions. It’s not a financial system anymore, folks, it’s a laundromat. Crypto in, corruption out, everybody gets rich except you.

So put it together:

• Trump drags his feet on TikTok divestiture until Ellison can swoop in, consolidate power, and “save” the app in exchange for eternal fealty.
• Paramount caves for the merger, giving Ellison not just TikTok but CBS News, Paramount+, and half your cultural bloodstream.
• Qatar bankrolls the Trump crypto racket with $2 billion, and in return they get America’s bleeding-edge chips like it’s fucking Halloween candy.
• The GENIUS Act greases the rails so the whole house of cards looks legal while it loots your retirement account.

This isn’t policy. This isn’t governance. This is a goddamn smash-and-grab at the highest levels of power. They’re stripping America for parts—media, tech, finance, even the fucking First Amendment—and selling it off to the highest bidder, foreign or domestic, doesn’t matter.

And the cherry on top? Trump is now both the President and the brand ambassador for his own grift. The man is literally infomercialing the republic into bankruptcy. “Buy two stablecoins, get one free, act now while supplies last!”

Here’s the truth: Larry Ellison doesn’t give a damn about TikTok’s users. Trump doesn’t give a damn about democracy. Qatar doesn’t give a damn about your national security. They’re all in it for the same reason: power, profit, and keeping you so goddamn distracted that by the time you realize the walls are closing in, the deed to your country is already signed over to a billionaire with a private island.

So enjoy your TikToks, kids. Dance fast. Laugh loud. Because the man who owns the algorithm now also owns your news, your movies, and your future—and he bought it with the President’s blessing.

And that’s not genius. That’s treason dressed up as capitalism.