Disclaimer: This is satire. But if it feels uncomfortably close to reality, that’s because reality’s been sniffing glue behind the gym again.

So here we go: FOTUS and his ventriloquist dummy Hegseth drag 800 generals into a room at Quantico. Not for strategy. Not for defense. Not for, oh, I don’t know, protecting the country. No, it’s for a goddamn loyalty seminar.

They stand up there like two mall cops on a power trip and basically say: “Listen up, you fat generals, shave your beards, stand up straight, and swear fealty to me. If you don’t like it? Resign. Immediately. Or I’ll fire you on the spot.”

That’s not leadership, folks. That’s a fucking mob audition. “Kiss the ring, salute the Don, and by the way, don’t look at Melania, she’s property.”

And the message? Clear as a boot up the ass: Law doesn’t matter. Constitution doesn’t matter. Your oath? Forget it. The only oath that counts now is to the tiny orange Caesar who thinks he’s Patton reincarnated but couldn’t even win at Risk.

Trump actually told them we’ve got a “war from within.” You catch that? He’s not talking about Russia, China, or even those imaginary Venezuelan drug boats he keeps blowing up on Truth Social. He’s talking about YOU. Americans. Protesters. Journalists. Teachers. Anybody who spits in his face—metaphorically or literally. He said it: “They spit. We hit.” That’s not policy, that’s a bar fight with nukes in the back pocket.

And Hegseth? He’s busy stripping protections like it’s amateur night at a strip club. Anti-hazing rules? Gone. Oversight on “toxic leadership”? Gone. Diversity and inclusion? Forget it. It’s now a test of how fast you can goose-step while yelling “Yes, Sir, FOTUS, Sir!”

Let’s be clear: the U.S. military swears an oath to the Constitution, not to a clown with spray tan and delusions of grandeur. But these guys? They’re building a culture where loyalty to the regime trumps loyalty to the law. That’s how democracies die, folks—not with a bang, but with 800 generals sitting in silence while a reality show president tells them to pick sides.

So congratulations, America. The Department of Defense is now the Department of War—because apparently we need to war on ourselves. What’s next, loyalty tattoos? “FOTUS Forever” tramp stamps issued at boot camp?

This isn’t leadership. This is a shakedown. A mob movie where the punchline is martial law.