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SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With One Free Waiver Per Felonious Head of State)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think a convicted felon representing the U.S. on the world stage isn't embarrassing, congratulations—you may already be experiencing the late-stage symptoms of fascism. Please do not operate heavy machinery while under this level of national delusion.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS—Felon of the United States—gets waved into the G7 summit by...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Selective Enforcement Edition – Now with Extra Hypocrisy)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think targeting ICE raids at liberal cities is just “law enforcement,” hold onto your empathy—it’s about power, not public safety.

So let me get this straight.

FOTUS just tweeted an order to ICE: “Go hard and heavy”—but only in Democrat-run cities. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York—sanctuary strongholds where millions of undocumented people live. Because...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Mass Shooting Edition—Now With More Cowardice Per Capita)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think the real threat is “hateful rhetoric from the left” while a shooter wearing body armor hunts people with an AR-15 in suburban Minnesota, maybe go back to sleep—you’re not using your brain anyway.

So let me get this straight.

Saturday morning in Minnesota, a man named Vance Boelter—tactical gear, fake cop uniform, AR-15 in hand—breaks into two homes....

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Immigration Edition: Now With Extra Fees and Fewer Human Rights)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think charging asylum seekers by the year is “fiscal responsibility” and not monetized cruelty, go gargle with razor wire and call it a tax deduction.

So let me get this straight.

We’re charging people to apply for a green card. Not asking for paperwork. Not vetting. Charging.

Thousands of dollars.

To live here. To work here. To survive.

But wait,...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This post is satire. It is not journalism. It is not objective.

If you’re looking for “fair and balanced,” turn on Fox and prepare to be lied to politely.

If you’re looking for medical advice, security assessments, or government policy analysis, go talk to a qualified professional, or at least someone whose job doesn’t involve shouting into a mic in rage and vinyl.

This is a George-Carlin-style stage rant—full of fire, fury, and facts so sharp they’ve been banned from the...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 100% More Broken Promises and Vaccine-Flavored Bullshit)

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin. If you think gutting a vaccine advisory committee is “pro-science,” and Susan Collins’ disappointed sighs count as accountability, you might already be eligible for a brain transplant—assuming RFK doesn’t defund it first.

So let me get this straight.

RFK Jr.—America’s favorite shirtless falsetto of pseudoscience—stood in front of Congress,...

Chapter Nine: Stronger Than This

“Wanna go for a drive?” TJ asked, grabbing his keys from the hook by the door.

I glanced toward the window, a reflex by now. The night outside was pitch black, the cold pressing against the glass like a silent warning. A flash of lightning split the sky, followed by a low, distant rumble.

“Now?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He cracked the door open. The clean scent of rain filtered in, soft and grounding.

“Yeah,” he said, grinning.

That smell always got to me—fresh...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Army Edition: Tanks, Tyranny, and Tiny Egos)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin—blunt, profane, unforgiving. If you think a parade is about love of country, not love of your big boy toys, congratulations: you just volunteered for emotional flashbang duty.

Congratulations, U.S. Army—You’re 250 Years Old (And You’ve Earned Some Gray Hair)

Let’s start with what’s real: the Army has served its country, defended liberty, and yes—many of its ones and zeros...

There was a time—not long ago—when Robert Heinlein’s “Crazy Years” were a curious bit of speculative fiction. A warning. A satirical stretch of chaos meant to bridge the rational, grounded past of humanity with its stellar future. You’d flip through the Future History chart and chuckle nervously at the absurdity—sexual anarchy, fractured politics, mass delusions, reality outpaced by spectacle. A cautionary bridge between world wars and lunar colonies.

But now?

Now it feels like we’ve taken a...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With 2,262 Posts and Counting!):

This is a fictional stage rant delivered in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're the type who believes that a flurry of late-night social media posts constitutes effective governance, you might want to reconsider your news sources.

[Spotlight on. George stalks the stage, mic in hand, middle finger practically twitching.]

Hey, I got a question.

When the fuck did the Commander-in-Chief turn into a...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Padilla Edition—Now With Shackles and Shock Troops)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin—no filter, no tribute act. If you think pushing a U.S. Senator to the floor and cuffing him mid-press briefing is “keeping order,” you might want to show up at the next parade with a participation ribbon and see how that works out.

So let me get this straight.

Senator Alex Padilla—ranking member of the Judiciary Immigration Subcommittee—shows up to ask one question: “...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with 100% More Deportation Threats!):

This is a fictional stage rant delivered in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're the type who thinks the First Amendment is optional and that dissent equals deportation, you might want to skip this one and go recite the Pledge of Allegiance in a mirror until you feel better.

[Spotlight. George strides up, eyes blazing, voice sharp as ever.]

So, let me get this straight—

Zohran Mamdani, a...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With ICE, Camo, and a God Complex)

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin—political satire sharpened to a point. If you think deploying Marines against protestors is “efficiency” and Dr. Phil is a field correspondent, maybe take a seat before you choke on your bootlicking.

“Okay, kiddo. Sit your ass down and listen—because apparently you skipped every civics class between birth and your last Fox News binge.”

So here’s the story you’re being told:

“It’s not...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (NOW 25% SMALLER THANKS TO BUDGET CUTS):

This is a fictional stage rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're the kind of person who thinks “access to education” is some kind of communist plot, maybe close this tab and go read your bank statement out loud until the numbers stop hurting your feelings.

[George stomps onstage, already pissed.]
TRIO and GEAR UP.
Programs designed to help kids get to college. You know—first-gen...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now With Extra Riot Gear):

This is a fictional rant in the voice of George Carlin. If you think deploying Marines on Main Street is “community policing,” maybe stop snorting the Constitution like it’s powdered patriotism.

So let me get this straight.

Los Angeles says, “No thanks, we’re good,” and the federal government responds by sending in the fucking Marines?

Not for a hurricane.

Not for a wildfire.

Not for a goddamn mass shooting.

No—this time it’s immigration raids.

ICE...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Trickled Down and Watered Out):

This is a fictional stage rant delivered in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you're part of the 0.1% who thinks tax cuts are a form of charity and believe “deficit” is just a liberal buzzword, you might wanna go count your offshore accounts instead. No billionaires were harmed in the making of this rant—because they all got tax breaks.

[Spotlight. George strides up, eyes blazing, voice sharp as ever.]

...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Extra Loyalty Tests):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire and delivered with full stage-rant fury. If you think civil service should come with a loyalty oath, this one's for you.

[Spotlight hits. George steps up, arms wide, eyebrows up like he’s seen some shit.]

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and whatever’s left of the independent civil service—

Welcome to the Trump Administration’s new hiring...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Now with Extra Accountability):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think taking responsibility is overrated, this one's for you.

George on stage, spotlight hot, eyes blazing with that familiar mix of fury and amusement:

So, here's a twist in the never-ending saga of the January 6th circus. Pamela Hemphill, a 71-year-old former Trump supporter from Idaho—nicknamed "MAGA Granny"—decided to do something...

George on Stage, Mic in Hand, Full Throttle:

So the FOTUS is being sued.

Not by the Justice Department.

Not by a whistleblower.

By Elmo.

ELMO, motherfuckers.

Red. Furry. Adorable. Elmo.

We have officially hit the bottom of the satirical barrel, and they’re still drilling.

You know things are bad when a literal puppet goes, “Yeah, this shit’s unconstitutional, I’m calling my lawyer.”

And why is Elmo suing?

Because President Donnie Tantrum is out here swinging at PBS like it’s part of Antifa.

He’s...

SATIRE DISCLAIMER (Justice Department Edition, Now With Bonus Bigotry):

This is a fictional rant in the unmistakable voice of George Carlin, written as political satire. If you think cutting crime prevention means more funding for Punisher bumper stickers, buckle up.

So let me get this straight.

The same party that swears they’re “tough on crime” just yanked the plug on 373 federal crime-fighting grants—and not for the fun kind of crime, like insider trading or gold toilet tax fraud.

No, they...