Blog

Legal Disclaimer

This is satire in the full-throated, pissed-off spirit of George Carlin. If you think the problem here is the language and not the policies, go find a safe space in a civics textbook. This one's for the people wondering how the hell authoritarianism got rebranded as “tough on crime.”

In the Style of George Carlin

Step 1: Scare the Sh*t Out of Everybody

First thing you gotta do: make 'em afraid.

Terrorists, immigrants, drug dealers, protesters, cybercriminals, people who say...

Legal Disclaimer

This is satirical commentary in the voice and vein of George Carlin: profane, precise, and pissed off. If you think this is “too harsh,” imagine how it feels to be illegally deported from your own country and then told, “Oops. Different agency.” This is for the people who still believe in accountability, civil rights, and not getting yeeted out of your homeland by spreadsheet error. Public figures and public policy are fair game. If it burns, maybe fix the f***ing policy.

...

Legal Disclaimer

This satirical piece is a fictional homage to the late George Carlin, crafted to critique contemporary political developments. It is not authored by George Carlin and is intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons, fascist governors, or bloated authoritarians is purely intentional. You’re welcome.

"Free Speech, My A!" – The Unabridged, Unapologetic, George Carlin Rant We Deserve**

Let’s talk about “free speech” in 2025.

That...

"Application Denied"

The loan officer smiled like he’d been trained to do it.

Not too wide. Not too long. Just enough to suggest empathy without commitment.

“I’m afraid your application doesn’t meet our revised qualifications.”

Mira blinked. “Which part?”

He flipped through the sleek, black tablet on his desk like it might offer divine guidance. “Credit score’s fine. Income’s stable. You’ve got a perfect payment history. It’s… more of a risk model issue.”

“Risk model?”

“It’s proprietary....

Legal Disclaimer

This is not respectful commentary. This is a George Carlin-style rant: fully loaded, foul-mouthed, fact-based, and fed the f* up**. If you’re looking for “both sides,” try cable news. This one only has one side—the one screaming ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHT?!*

“Proof of Citizenship? More Like Proof of Authoritarian Fantasies”

A George Carlin-Style Rant on Trump’s Voter Suppression by Executive Order

So the Trump administration—America’s ongoing experiment in...

Off the Clock

Javier punched out at 11:58 p.m.

He had chemistry at 7:40 a.m.

Not that he’d studied. Or slept.

The walk home took twenty-two minutes if the shortcut behind the gas station wasn’t flooded. It was. His shoes squelched with swamp water. He didn’t flinch anymore. Not even when the loose dog barked at him from the trailer yard.

His mom was already gone—early shift at the poultry plant. His little sister curled up on the couch, inhaling sugar cereal like it was oxygen.

“Did you bring...

Legal Disclaimer

This is satirical commentary in the style of the late, legendary George Carlin—raw, unfiltered, unapologetic, and 100% protected by the First Amendment and the sacred art of yelling truth at power. If you mistake this for news, therapy, or a permission slip to be an asshole, that’s on you.

The names mentioned—like Pete Hegseth, Donald Trump, or anyone else allergic to integrity—are public figures. Their inclusion in this roast comes with the territory of public influence and...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a satirical commentary in the style of George Carlin. If you're DHS, ICE, or just a red-hatted bureaucrat with a clipboard and a confused moral compass—yes, we're talking about you. Public figures, public policy, public consequences. If it stings, maybe fix the fing system***.

"Born in the USA? Prove It, Or Pack Your Sh*t"

A George Carlin-Style Rant on Deporting American Citizens

So here we go again.

The Department of Homeland Security—America’s favorite paranoid uncle...

Legal Disclaimer

This is satire in the style of George Carlin. That means it’s got teeth, it’s pissed off, and it does not care if it hurts your feelings—especially if you wrote the executive order. If you’re allergic to honesty, bite marks, or truth with a side of profanity, turn around now.

“DEI? More Like ‘Don’t Educate Intelligently!’”

A George Carlin-Style Rant on Trump’s War Against K-12 Education (and the Judge Who Bitch-Slapped It)

So, Donald J. Trump—president, emperor, and...

Legal Disclaimer

This is satirical commentary written in the spirit and style of George Carlin: unapologetic, profane, brutally honest, and aimed at institutions of public power. If you're clutching your pearls instead of questioning your institutions, maybe you deserve the next rant too.

"Pope Francis, JD Vance, and the Eternal Circle of Bullsh*t"

A George Carlin-Style Rant on Papal Politics and Holy Hypocrisy

Well, first off—

It’s a damn shame about Pope Francis.

Really.

The guy tried, okay?...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a George Carlin-style rant. It includes historical betrayal, authoritarian bootlicking, foreign policy fraudulence, and language not safe for press conferences. If you’re here to defend it—don’t. If you’re here to scream at it—pull up a chair.

"Abandoning Ukraine: American Hypocrisy, Now with Fewer Webpages!"

A George Carlin Rant About How We’re Handing Putin Exactly What He Wants—on Stationery

So.

The U.S. just made Ukraine an offer.

A “peace plan,” they called it.

...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a George Carlin-style rant. It contains adult language, brutal sarcasm, and very few surviving illusions. It is not here to make you feel good about policy. It’s here to drag it out into the daylight, pour gasoline on it, and light a cigarette just to throw the match.

"AI in Schools? We're Gonna Automate the Ignorance!"

A George Carlin-Style Rant on the Latest Educational Gimmick

So the Trump administration signed an executive order to bring artificial intelligence...

Legal Disclaimer

This is a George Carlin-style satirical rant. That means profanity, mockery, truth-bombs, and absolutely no apologies. If you’re looking for economic nuance or gentle analysis, go hang out with your hedge fund manager and cry into your stock portfolio. Otherwise—buckle up, buttercup.

“Tariffs, Tantrums, and the Fine Art of Economic Arson”

A George Carlin-Style Rant on Trump’s Trade War Reboot

So, here we are again.

President Spray Tan has slapped tariffs on the global economy...

"Accredit This, You Bureaucratic Bastards!"

A George Carlin-style Rant on Trump’s Higher Ed Executive Orders

Ahh, higher education. The sacred temple of knowledge.

Where students go to get into lifelong debt while learning about the mating rituals of 14th-century Flemish goats.

But don’t worry—Trump’s here to fix it!

And when Trump fixes things, it’s like giving a toddler a blowtorch and telling him to "redecorate the kitchen."

EO #1: Accreditation ‘Reform’

Oh boy.

Trump signed an executive...

This fictional rant is a satirical homage to the late, great George Carlin—comedian, truth-teller, linguistic demolition expert, and national treasure. George Carlin did not write or perform this piece (because necromancy is, sadly, still illegal in most jurisdictions). Any resemblance to real persons, events, or cable news guests with suspicious hairlines is purely intentional and delivered with love, rage, and a raised eyebrow.

This post contains strong language, unapologetic political...

The Fertility Report

White House, West Wing – April 17, 2046

Subterranean Briefing Room C

The air was filtered. The coffee was synthetic. The mood was… muted.

President Mitchell scanned the half-empty room. “Where’s the Surgeon General?”

“Dead, sir,” said Chief of Staff Raynor. “Sepsis. Postnatal. Rural delivery center lost funding. No backup.”

A beat.

Mitchell exhaled through his nose. “Add it to the list.”

He turned to the big screen. The words U.S. POPULATION REPORT – CLASSIFIED blinked in gray....

Dry Season

The wind changed at 2:13 p.m.

Not a whisper of warning. Just a gust that turned the sky orange and set the ridge ablaze.

Maggie Thomas was still on the phone with the state emergency office when her porch caught fire.

“We’re aware of the situation in your county,” said the calm, utterly doomed voice. “Please shelter in place until responders arrive.”

“There are no responders,” Maggie said. “You fired them.”

The line crackled. “Ma’am, the State Emergency Management Agency is operating at...

Registry

The knock came at 6:17 a.m.

Not a pounding. Not a battering ram. A polite knock. That was worse.

Ellie didn’t answer. Not right away. She checked the feed on her slate—four government vans parked across the street. Two uniformed officers on the stoop. One drone hovering, lens already calibrated to her biometric ID.

She tucked her son tighter into the blanket. Leo stirred. He was always warm in the mornings, cheeks red, curls plastered to his forehead with sleep-sweat. Ten years old....

In 1776, a group of ragtag colonies—poorly armed, geographically scattered, and politically divided—declared war on the most powerful empire the world had ever seen.

Not over taxes.

Not over tea.

But because a long list of offenses finally tipped the scale from patience to rebellion.

Today, we find ourselves staring at a political landscape that feels all too familiar. With the Trump administration barreling through its second term, the echoes of King George’s abuses aren’t just academic. They’re...

Good news, fellow readers, genre nerds, and chaos gremlins—I’m getting out of the writing cave and into the wild this year! If you’ve ever wanted to chat sci-fi, snag a signed book, or ask what inspired that scene (you know the one), now’s your chance.

Here’s where I’ll be appearing this spring and summer:

April 27 – Pueblo MiniCon

Sangre de Cristo Arts Center, Pueblo, CO

Small but mighty, this con is a gem. Come for the art, stay for the nerds. I’ll be there slinging stories and probably...