⚠️ SNARKY DISCLAIMER

This is satire. Vulgar, furious, George Carlin–style satire. If you’re the kind of person who thinks extorting a Fortune 500 CEO is “good business,” you should probably quit reading now and go polish your Trump NFT. Everyone else: buckle in.

So here’s the deal, folks: Donald Trump, the Felon of the United States, has finally pulled the mask off the whole operation. Forget the bullshit about “free markets” and “conservative principles.” He walked into Intel, pointed a fat, ketchup-stained finger at the CEO, and said: “Gimme 10% or kiss your job goodbye.” And guess what? Lip-Bu Tan folded faster than Trump’s casinos.

And now—brace yourself—the United States government owns nearly 10% of Intel. Not through an act of Congress. Not through market buy-ins. Through extortion. Straight-up, old-school mobster shakedown.

Think about the hypocrisy here. For forty goddamn years Republicans have been screaming: “Government shouldn’t own anything! Regulations are socialism! Taxes are tyranny!” These people had aneurysms over Michelle Obama telling kids to eat a vegetable. But now? They’re clapping like trained seals while their orange messiah nationalizes a tech giant like it’s fucking Venezuela.

This isn’t capitalism. This isn’t socialism. This is Trumpism: state power wielded to enrich one man and humiliate everyone else.

And let’s talk about Intel itself. This company gets 75% of its money overseas. You think foreign governments are gonna keep doing business with a company part-owned by an unstable American despot? “Sure, let’s let Trump peek under the hood of our national chip supply chain!” Yeah, that’ll happen right after Putin signs up for NATO.

Intel’s SEC filing even said it: this deal could tank their partnerships, spook their investors, and crater their business abroad. Translation: Trump’s “deal” isn’t just rotten—it’s radioactive.

But here’s the kicker: HE doesn’t care. Because Trump holds the tokens, the warrants, the kickbacks, the hidden profit streams. Just like his casinos, his steaks, his water, his university, his airlines, his vodka—every one of his scams—he CASHES OUT FIRST. And the rest of you poor bastards, the “base,” the “patriots,” the “investors”? You eat the loss. Again.

And let’s not forget the pattern here. This is the same guy who stiffed contractors in Atlantic City. The same guy who bankrupted multiple casinos in a town where the house ALWAYS wins. The same guy who sold $99 trading cards of himself in a cape. A con man. A two-bit huckster with a gold toilet.

Now he’s playing the same game with the United States Treasury.

And the MAGA faithful? They cheer. Because nothing gets the cult more excited than being robbed blind as long as the guy doing it calls them “patriots” while doing the reach-around.

FINAL THOUGHT:

This isn’t “making America great again.” This is America as a pawn shop, with Trump behind the counter. Selling off the family silver, hocking the heirlooms, and telling you it’s a good deal while he pockets the cash.

The free market? Dead. Democracy? Gasping. Trump? He’s running the biggest pump-and-dump scam in history. And the suckers? That’s us.

Welcome to the United States of Trumpistan—population: fucked.