⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER (Because the lawyers drink too):

This is satire. It’s also profane, exasperated, and fact-based enough to make MAGA accountants sweat. If you invested in Trump’s last NFT of him riding a velociraptor in a cape, I regret to inform you: this is gonna sting worse than your Coinbase balance.

So, folks—he’s at it again.

 Donald Trump, the man whose business record reads like a goddamn obituary page for failed casinos, steaks, airlines, and “universities,” is hawking a new scam from inside the White House. This time it’s called a crypto treasury. Sounds official, doesn’t it? Like Fort Knox, but shadier, flimsier, and run by the guy who once stiffed plumbers and drywallers on a casino that went bankrupt twice.

The pitch? Buy WLFI tokens from his shiny new outfit, World Liberty Financial. Supposed to be the next Bitcoin. Except it’s not Bitcoin. It’s not even Dogecoin. It’s Monopoly money with an orange spray tan. Holders don’t get profits, ownership, or anything resembling reality. You get… 5% of a vote on a stablecoin Trump’s company controls. That’s like buying a timeshare and finding out your “week” is the Tuesday after Labor Day in a hurricane zone.

Meanwhile, Trump sits on a mountain of WLFI, and his family’s cut entitles them to 75% of every sale. Seventy-five fucking percent! This isn’t crypto. It’s a loyalty tax. It’s the Trump Tithe. It’s the same playbook he’s used since the ‘80s: Trump gets in first, Trump gets out first, everyone else gets mugged by reality.

Remember Truth Social? Down 73% from its peak. Remember the $TRUMP memecoin? Fell 90% after day one. Remember $MELANIA? Christ, you don’t—because it tanked even harder. The NFTs? Digital cartoons of Trump cosplaying Superman? Early flippers made a buck. Everyone else ended up holding a JPEG of a geriatric crook in spandex worth less than the price of lunch at Applebee’s.

This is what he does. Always has. Casinos, airlines, vodka, football teams, steaks, ties—every business died the same way: Trump grabbed the cash, left the corpses behind, and strutted out the back door screaming “Biggest success in history!”

And now he’s doing it again with crypto.

 But this time, it’s not just fleecing gamblers in Atlantic City. It’s fleecing his own voters. MAGA retirees, QAnon Facebook uncles, church grannies cashing Social Security checks into digital monopoly chips. They think they’re buying freedom. What they’re buying is Donald Trump’s next fucking golf cart.

Finance experts are calling it what it is: a violation of every principle in investing. But Trump doesn’t do principles. He does pump-and-dump. He’s the human embodiment of a rug pull.

So let’s call it: WLFI isn’t the future of finance. It’s Trump University for crypto bros. It’s the latest slot machine in the Trump Taj Mahal of scams. And just like always, the house wins, the suckers lose, and the orange conman walks away pretending he invented money.

FINAL THOUGHT?

 Every time Trump says “infinite upside,” grab your wallet, lock your doors, and hide the checkbook. Because there’s one thing infinite about this man: the number of times he’ll fuck you over and still call it a bargain.