⚠️ SNARKY LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire. This is fury. This is protected speech under the First Amendment, until FOTUS figures out how to burn that too. If you’re a legislator with a Sharpie and a god complex, duck and cover.

You hear that noise?

That’s the sound of democracy getting redrawn like a toddler’s coloring book.

Utah voters—remember them? Actual people?—passed a ballot measure for an independent redistricting commission. They wanted fairness. They wanted sanity. The legislature said: “Ha! Fuck your crayons. We’re using permanent marker.” They tore up the people’s will, jammed through SB-200, and carved four safe Republican seats like a butcher hacking ribs. Court steps in: “Nice stunt. Redraw it.” Utah, congratulations—you’re the Exhibit A in “We Don’t Care What You Voted For.”

Now pan to Louisiana. Still being sued. Still losing. Because you can’t “accidentally” erase Black voters every decade and pretend it’s about “compactness.” The judges aren’t buying it. But the legislature keeps running the same play like a drunk quarterback who lost the playbook.

And then Texas. Oh, Texas. These geniuses decided mid-decade redistricting was the move. They literally waltz into court—where they’re already being sued for racial gerrymanders—and say, “We didn’t gerrymander. We just, uh, redrew the gerrymander. Again.” That’s not a defense, that’s a confession with extra steps. They packed Houston and Dallas minorities into single sardine cans, cracked Latino communities like piñatas, and told the judge it was all about “giving more Texans a voice.” Sure. As long as the voice is Republican, white, and pre-approved.

This isn’t governing. This is burglarizing the ballot box.

Utah erased a referendum. Louisiana keeps gaslighting. Texas is gerrymandering inside a gerrymandering lawsuit, which is like cheating at poker during your cheating trial. And all of it comes with marching orders from FOTUS: redraw, rig, and lock down the House for 2026.

They don’t give a shit about your vote. They don’t give a shit about your district. They give a shit about power—and making sure you never have the numbers to take it back.

Final thought?

This isn’t redistricting.

It’s voter arson.

They’re torching the map so you can’t find your way home.

And unless we scream, fight, sue, and vote harder than they rig, we’ll wake up in a country where elections are theater, maps are weapons, and democracy is a rumor.