Disclaimer

This is satire. No wind turbines were harmed in the making of this rant — they were too busy being canceled by executive order. Any resemblance to actual government policy is, unfortunately, deliberate.

Labor Day’s around the corner. A holiday to celebrate American workers. So what does the Trump administration do to honor it?

They cancel $679 million in offshore wind funding, yank a $716 million loan guarantee, and shut down a wind farm that was 80% finished. That’s right — they honored workers by pulling the plug on their paychecks. Nothing says “we respect labor” like kicking 1,000 union workers into unemployment the week before Labor Day.

This isn’t energy policy. This is revenge cosplay. Wind and solar? Too “Biden.” So they strangle it in the crib. Offshore wind powering 350,000 homes? Gone. Tax credits for clean energy? Gone. Solar grants for low-income families? Gone.

Meanwhile, fossil fuels get the full body massage: more drilling, fewer regulations, partnerships with Russian oil giants back on the table. It’s less “America First” than “Exxon and Rosneft First, bend over everyone else.”

And while we’re at it, let’s talk jobs. Renewable energy employed 3.5 million Americans. Growing twice as fast as other sectors. Union jobs, skilled jobs, wages, pensions — a middle-class backbone. Coal? Trump’s fossil fuel fantasy? That industry employs about 40,000 people. Forty. Thousand. That’s half the seating at Gilette Stadium. But sure, let’s bet the future on it.

Electricity prices? Up 10% this year. Projected to rise another 5.8% next year. And Trump blames — wait for it — renewables. Never mind that most of the grid still runs on gas, coal, and nuclear. Never mind that the real culprit is data centers sucking down power like frat boys at an open keg. No, it’s gotta be the windmills. The same windmills he swears cause cancer.

And the fallout isn’t just bills and blackouts. It’s democracy itself. Because renewable energy meant decentralized jobs, local supply chains, economic independence. The kind of economy where power spreads wide and ordinary people get a say. Fossil fuels? That’s extractive. That’s oligarch territory. You dig it up, you sell it off, and the profits funnel to a few billionaires who tell the rest of us what to pay and when to shut up.

That’s the point. Kill the wind, kill the sun, kill the future — and keep the country chained to oil barons, coal tycoons, and Russian strongmen. Workers lose their jobs, families pay more, the planet keeps burning. But a handful of men get richer, and that’s all that matters.

So happy Labor Day, America. The message from this White House is simple: your labor doesn’t matter, your wages don’t matter, your future doesn’t matter. What matters is keeping you hooked on fossil fuels and praying to the gods of coal dust while the rest of the world sails past us on the wind we killed.