⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER:

This is satire, profanity-laced outrage, and righteous mockery. If you’re a member of Congress who thinks green card holders should be deported for a single drunk driving offense—or for merely admitting to one—then yes, this is about you. Cry into your donor checks.

So here comes the latest masterstroke of cruelty: the “Protect Our Communities from DUIs Act.” Cute name. As if this is about protecting anyone. Spoiler: it’s not. It’s about giving Trump’s xenophobic machine another bludgeon to bash immigrants, legal or not.

Under this bill, a green card holder who got popped for a DUI ten years ago? Deportable. An international student who admits—ADMITS—to drinking and driving once, even if charges were dropped? Deportable. You work, you pay taxes, you’ve built a life here? Too bad. One slip, one mistake, one stupid teenage confession, and ICE gets to boot you out.

And Congress? Those “co-equal” clowns? They lined up to lick Trump’s boots and pass it through the House like it was naming a post office. A bunch of Republican senators—Rubio, Cotton, Blackburn, the whole fascist fan club—are already polishing it up for the Senate.

Let’s pause and ask: who does this really protect?

Not the victims of drunk drivers. State laws already punish that.

Not “American communities.” You don’t deport U.S. citizens for DUIs, so why rip apart immigrant families?

Not “public safety.” Half the people targeted have no criminal record except this one thing.

What it does protect is Trump’s narrative. That immigrants are inherently criminal. That brown = bad. That only “real Americans” deserve second chances, rehab, or context. If you’re foreign-born, one mistake brands you forever.

Meanwhile, Trump’s own criminal rap sheet? Multiple bankruptcies, fraud charges, sexual assault findings, paying off porn stars, trying to overthrow an election, fomenting an insurrection, stealing classified docs, bank fraud—the works. Any consequences? Nope. He’s president again.

So let’s be clear: this isn’t about DUIs. It’s about weaponizing the immigration system to purge people who don’t look like Trump’s base. It’s apartheid in slow motion, written in legalese, sold as “safety.”

And the kicker? Even admitting to something counts. No trial. No conviction. No due process. You can literally confess during a plea bargain, or even during an immigration interview, and boom—you’re gone. That’s not law enforcement. That’s entrapment with a deportation stamp.

Final thought? If Congress wants to play morality police, maybe start with the orange menace who’s been drunk on power his whole life and leaving wreckage everywhere he goes. You want to protect communities from DUIs? Start with the guy Driving Under the Influence of Narcissism, Fascism, and Absolute Bullshit.

Because the real menace isn’t immigrants.

It’s the con artist in the White House and the coward chorus applauding him.